Some one who is very dear to my heart is driving me nuts. My friend I'm saying with is helping me out. I just wish I could run away at times. Hell that's what I do best. I'm trying to break that nasty little habit. My life is so out of control right now it's not even funny. I'm having the what ifs about a friend who I liked at one time ( but I was chasing some one else at the time and well he was also in a shitty relationship. So we didn't pursue things). I think I made the wrong choice. This guy and I are great friends now and when he can he will be moving out here. We will be getting a place together. So I want to get these what ifs taken care of before we live together. Others wise I think it will make living arangements very odd on my end. I found out last night he and his g/f (which I do like by the way) have all ready started talking about living together. This is the first I have heard of this. I knew she planned on moving out to cali when he did or shortly after , but never knew of them talking about living together here. They have also discussed him moving out to DC to live with her and save money up for them both to move here. Not exactly a great time to find out about all of that. I'm also tryind to deal with the time lost on some one else. Not sure why I did it. I not sure who I really feel about it right now because I have so much other stuff going on in my life. I really don't need this on top of every thing else but not much I can do about it. Not like I can just set it aside and deal with it later. I do try not to thing about it to much but can't really stop it some times. I was lucky enough to have talked with some one who some what knows me last night. Some times I feel better talking to others about what is going that I don't know so well and they dont' know me so well. It gave me new insite on to some of it. I just wish life would give me a break and let me rest just for a bit. I can't take much more. My plate is full as it is. I go back and forth between wanting to kill people and then just ignore them or just say eh. I feel all over the place. I think I just need to get really drunk one night. hehehe my friend I'm staying with did her best the first night I got here but just wasn't in the right mood to drink. It would kick ass if her and I could go out to a club. Not sure how her husband would feel about that though. He seems like a really nice guy. We are going to go to some store to day to look at things. Her and her husband are very nice and are doing alot for me. Came at just the right time. I was starting to think that the world was just filled with uncaring bastards. Any ways I have shit I should get done before Rene gets back home. buh bye

I some times wonder why I even bother to get out of bed. It has been a long time since any thing good has really happened in my life. I know life is not ment to be a cake walk but does every little thing have to also be a battle. I'm just so tired of having to fight day in and day out just to get any thing. Once again I have to look for a place to live. I was suppose to move in with two friends. That fell through. Then I was going to beable to stay with her and her family till Jan. Now that has also fell through on me. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm six and a half months pregnat and wondering what went through my head on having another child come into this world where most every one could careless about any one but themselves. I have been told I must do some thing about my stress level or I could cause myself to go into premature labor. Great not only am I fucking my own health up with being stressed now I'm putting my poor child in danger. I really want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world and just let it all pass me by. Maybe if I do that it won't fuck with me any more. Out of sight out of mind. Nowing my luck though I wouldn't go unnoticed and life would just fuck with me all that much more. I have been thinking about getting into church. I was forced as a child by my step father which left a bad taste in my mouth. I know that is why I have issues with relgion. My problem now is finding a church that in nonjudgemental. I know they all are suppose to be but that is not the case most of the time. And well if any of you have ever seen me well lets just say I like body piercing and most frown apon that. So I would need a church that did not judge me for that or the fact that I'm an unwed mother. I know they hate sex before marrage but what can I say there is no why I could marry some one before having kicked the tires. I nkow myself well enough that if he were not good in bed I would wander. It's human nature I don't care what any one says. Well shit I'm feeling a bit sleepy and I do have to work tonight so I think I will lay down and nap a bit.

Well the truth finally comes out. Glacierbear finally admitted to me he was telling me we were together when I would ask him. Then telling others we weren't together when he was talking to them. I'm so lucky to be having a child with him. HAHAHAHAHA I don't know why I wasn't a better judge of character. I really do suck at that when it comes to guys. I think it is time to leave them alone and see how it is to bat for the same team. I still live with Glacierbear. Which is odd because we are no longer together. I just want the next chapter in my life to begin. I wish it would start now. I do have a new job. Hopefully that will be the start of my new life. I'm so alone right now. I do miss having someone to cuddle with. I hate being single right now but really who wants to date a pregnat girl. I'm also having a hard time with the weight game because I'm alone right now. It would be different if I were with someone who cared about me. Then it wouldn't bother me as much. I just miss being held, holding hands, having someone to kiss and cuddle with. I'm starting to work out though so I will just gain the weight I need for the child and nothing more. Also so my body will go back to normal after I have the child. This is all I have to say take it or leave it either way. P.S. sorry I don't update that much I have to do it at friends houses because I don't have the internet right now.

Well let me all shock you with some thing. As of yesterday I broke up with glacierbear. who is by the way the father of my child. In the time I have been thinking about things I realized he won't be a good father. He is to selfish. He doesn't want to have to change his life for a child. Which is why I told him he is off the hook, but he didn't want that. So today I put him to a test to see how much the child meant to him. Low and behold I was right. He would rather spend time with his friends then have to worry about things related to the child. So when I see him later on today. That is when ever he is done hanging out with his friends that mean more to him then his child we need to have a talk about him signing away his legal rights to the child. Which is going to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I called a few lawyers today on it and one actually gave me an idea of what to do but not much more. I have an idea in mind of my own. I just have to get glacierbear to agree to take some tests. If not well then I guess he will be paying child support and other bills that deal with the child. We had a really bad fight last Friday also. It was really ugly. He had said he should beat me up that way I might respect him. I had told him that it would not be the first to,time a b/f had hit me. All he had to say tto that was that I must have had it coming to me or some thing close to that. He also said he should kill me. It took awhile for that to sink in, and now that it has. Well lets just say I realized if he cared about me he wouldn't have said such things. So here I am all alone and I think it will just make me all that more stronger in life. tata for now folks.... I need to go walk and clear my head even if it is just for five minutes.

I'm not sure why I even keep this thing going. It's not like any one really reads it, and I have a journal at home I can just write in. Most the people on my list are not any more and the ones that are don't respond. I know one of them probably goes throuhg and checks every one else on his list, but mine. Or if he does he doesn't respond. He use to just respond with out leaving his name now he can't even do that. I also do things for this person and I feel it doesn't mean a damn thing. So I have decided to stop going out of my way to do any thing for said person. I have also been bummed because I have not been in touch with a couple of good friends of mine. Morna is my soulmate. I have never had someone care so much for me knowing all my flaws. She could careless how flawed I am. She is suppose to be callling me soon. I can't wait. It will do me a world of good just to talk to her again. I wrote to her last night. She thinks I should stop worrying about others and just take care fo me or else there won't be enough of me to go around. She always writes the sweetest things to me. The e-mail I read today made me cry. I can just feel how much she cares for just through what she writes to me. I don't know what I would do without her. I take that back I go nuts without her. She has always been there for me. No matter how late I needed her to stay up and talk with me she did so without complaining ever. Unlike other who said they would be there but when I neededt to talk always gave the same excuse I need to get up early in the morning for work. I was there for them when they need to talk. Oh well. Any ways I don't know if I will keep this thing going. I thing Im going to start on throught a different site. If any on here wishs to read the new one when I start it let me know. I will give you the link. I will come back to check other journals though. In hopes that the people on my list will be back to writing soon. ttfn (I just love Tigger)

This is not new at all. I just wanted to post it again because well it is the best writing by me so far. I have let a few people read it before I posted it here awhile ago. I hate most of my writings. So no one gets to read them. So please if you don't like it don't say so because I'm trying to nurture my writing. I also want to get to a point first where I can share it with people, then take helpfull comments On a side note I was talking today about what would have to happen in order for me to shave my head. Glacierbear and a friend think it would be hot if I were to shave my head. Well I said for that to happen Glacierbear would have to follow through with him saying he would get a piercing down bellow and also get a hundred dollars. My friend was like hundred dollars (it was the tone in his voice) which lead me to believe he would pay that to get me to shave my head. So I took his sisters advice and said it would take five hundred and Glacierbear getting pierced. For the feel of flesh Laying on top of you I feel your smooth warm skin on mine I brush my teeth against your neck Your body welcomes the touch of my teeth I nibble on your neck softly You press up against me inviting me I bite harder as you caress my neck with your hand I can feel you shivering underneath my body I feel you swell and it excites me I let go of your slightly salty skin You roll me over onto my stomach I lie there awaiting I feel your warm breath on my skin Just before you teeth sink into my flesh My body withers as you bite me Till a faint moan parts through my wet lip I turn to face you our eyes meet We kiss as I take you and you of me Our tongues entwine My body shakes as I climax Your body trembles as you let go We quietly slip into a bliss full sleep

I feel a bit devilish . I just wish there where someone to enjoy the mood with me. I just want to do some thing outragous. Like running down some street screaming at the top of my lungs. I want to go back to the days when I felt I could do any thing. That's the kind of mood I'm in right now. I just feel energized and hyped up. I felt about myself today. Part of it was some comments that were said to me. They were comments on some old pics I took. *looks down blushing* I wearing nothing but black duct tape that says cencered on it. Alot of people like those pics and seem to remember them even though they are a year old. I need to take new pics. I have a friend who can do them. I also had someone else offer to do them. He has a studio in his apartment. I just started talking to this guy last night. I'm on a web site that you can look for others with like interests to be friends or more. Any ways he thinks I'm beautiful and would love to take pics of me. I'm very flattered to say the least. I think that is part of why I'm in such a good mood. I need someone to rub lotion on my back *pouts* I have a sun burn from earlier today. I went to two of my friends company party today. It was fun but that is where I got burned on my back. I missed a spot when putting on my back. *sigh* I think I will leave my friends house now and go just sit in the dark and enjoy what is left of this natural high because it won't last long. later

So last night I went out with a few friends. One person that I was hanging out with last night had just ended a 2 year relationship with his girl friend. I wanted to go out and drink and so did a couple other friends. Well Aa the night went on things took a turn and I don't really think it would have been for the worst but there was a chance things could get fucked up later on. To be quick and to the point I could have gotten laid last night but thougth it was probably not the best idea in the long run. All thought it was rather tempting because the guy is good looking and well the last time glacierbear put out was on Saint Paddys day. It felt great to know someone still found me attractive and wanted to do more than just cuddle with me. Not that I don't like cuddling because I do but I also enjoy sex. I guess I just thought it would be better for us not do any thing right now because he just dumped his girl friend and doesn't really want to get involved with someone else right away. As for me I just don't thing it would be a good idea to get sexually involved with any one till my life is not so fucked up. I don't think it best to rely on someone else to make me feel good about myself. So there you have it folks. Tonight I think I will just hang out with other friends and watch moves. My life is all a mess and needs to be straightend out soon before I lose my mind. All right now I'm off to read other journals.

Lookie lookie who is updating. Im offline right now that is why I have not been posting any thing. I miss talking to you on here who are on my friends list and not actually in the same state as me. My life is still not so great but fuck I have had it. I'm about to fucking go nuts. Things seem to look up for me for awhile then it goes to hell in a hand basket again. Whats a girl to do. I have not been able to talk to two people who mean alot to me for some time now. That has taken a toll on my heart and soul. I want to know when my brother is going to move out here (my good friend). I miss my friend Morna also. She has always been there for me and I neede her more now then ever. I hope to talk to her soon. Now for some new that has been looming over my head for some time now. My blood brother is in the Army. He goes over in Sept. I hope and pray all the shit over there will be taken care of before then but I know it won"t be. He tries to make me feel better by saying he will be far away from all the bad shit going on over there but he can't promise me that. Even though I hate that he inlisted I,m very proud of him from becoming and emt. He passed his test with flying colors. The more I thing about him going the more I cry. I started crying while I was driving the other day because I thought about him going there. If any thing happens to him when he gets there I will lose my fucking mind. Im really trying not to think of all the bad things, but some times they just take over all other thoughts. I wish I could just get away, or have some one come along who could help me get things off my mind. I have so much on my mind and don't want to bother you all with all of it. I just figured I would hit a few that were really getting to me. I hope to write soon again but not sure when that will be. To all that have kept checking my diary thanks for missing me and checking back to see if I'm writing. hugs to you all

I hate most every thing at times. I just can't seem to let go, and just take things lightly. Any ways that's here nor there. I just hate the way things are going right now. My life is just a mess as usual. I'm all alone ( as in no one to talk to). I have no one right now. I think I'm going to just disappear after I leave Glacierbears house. I'm sure I will go unnoticed. No one I'm really close to is even near me. I want both my brothers around. My blood brother graduates his boot camp tomorrow. My mother is going to be there. My grandmother was suppose to be there. I miss her. It kills me to think she was going to be here in just a few days to spend time with me. It makes my heart ache. I also want my adopted brother with me (great friend), but he is all the way one the east coast. At least he has Silver there with him. I wish they were out here all ready. I need my brother. I'm feeling rather more unattractive than usual. I can't do much about it. There are other things going on that confirm how I see and feel about myself. I have no idea what to think. I try to get answers, but I don't get them at all. Fuck this fuck that I'm going to bed and hoping to wake up to a better life. Not this shitty one that I can't seem to escape.

Wow some guys. I'm still seeing glacierbear. WEll today he got some new pictures of him and a best friend that he has a thing for still. I'm sitting in the room with him and he is talking about putting up a pic of them for his background. I have not met some one so insensitive before. IT really makes me feel like shit that he wants to put up a pic of him and some other girl he has a thing for on his computer. I don't know what to say. He knows I'm upset, but has no idea why. I told him he was insensitive and he seems to have no clue why I said that. We were suppose to go do some thing with his best friend today, but I think I will just stay here. I don't want to ruin Magonuts day even more by being around him and in a shitty mood. Any ways I think I will go busy myself with other things now as to try to get my mind of what an insensitve ass glacierbear can be.

To set the record straight for glacierbears sake. He believes in one of my entries it sounds like he is gay. This is what I had posted. Ah glacierbear and his b/f and I are to all go out clubbing some time. By B/F I meant best friend and not boy friend like glacierbear took it, yet he is now bitching for me to hurry up. So I'm going to end this so he stops throwing a fit. Hmmm or maybe he is, because he sure is hell is not putting out for me.

Fight Club! What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by Quizilla You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent alwaysangry, but they cannot easily forgive and holdgrudges. You probably often get in fights withyour friends and family, and its difficult foryou to understand. When someone makes amistake, you dont let go easily and hold on tothose memories. Your very stubborn and yourrage is known to everyone. Though you neveractually mean it, you can say mean things in afight and go over board. Many people aresometimes intimidated by your anger. But youhave many redeeming qualities and those arethat you are quite intelligent and smart. Youwould make a good businesswoman or lawyerbecause you know how to prove your point. Youcherish the ones around you, and appreciatelife, even though you can complain or throw atantrum now and then. The good things is, youkeep your emotions very outspoken, and arenormally a very happy person because all yourrage is let on the outside. Anger is simply astate, but you, yourself as a person, aregreat. What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures! brought to you by QuizillaYour: Angry eyes. Chill out dude! No need to be sopissed! Sure lifes tough but you gotta deal.Your one hell of a ass-kicker and nver letanyone get close to you. What type of eyes do you have? brought to you by Quizilla You are a Vampire Creeper! Vampires do notexist.Most people know this. You do not.Youmost likely take an anti-depressant, such asZoloft or Paxil, because you have no soul. Atleast you like to think you don't.You can'tsuck my blood, but I wouldn't put it past youto try. Stay away from me, creeper. What Kind Of Creeper Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

Well alot has and has not happened while I have been away. The biggest thing that has happened while I have been away and is the most recent also. My grandmother passed on. She was 87 years old but it still hit me hard. I was to be seeing her Sept 3rd. She was coming out her with my mother and brother. My grandmother wanted to come out her she has never been to Southern Cal. She was really looking forward to coming out here. I feel cheated because I was to be spending time with her so soon. Lately there has been this pattern in my life if some thing good happens some thing bad soon follows. So right now if I get good news I wait for the next shoe to drop. I'm back in Socal and finally got glacierbears computer online. Thats why I'm online right now. I'm waiting for a phone call back to see when I get to have my 3rd interview for a job. I really need to get this job. I really need to find a place to live also. Some times I really hate life and just want to know why it has it out for me. Any ways I'm done for now and I'm off to read others journals I have not while I have been gone.

Ok about my date. I did this once all ready but you know this damn thing, and what it likes to do. My date went well with glacierbear. He asked I had fun I told him yes, and he said he also had fun when I asked him. I'm not sure when our next date will be. As for details here they are. Are you all ready ???? hahahaha First we went to Ipso Facto. I wanted to go shopping there. I called him first to see if he wanted to go or not. I got this cute pin striped dress. I have to adjust the straps though they kept falling, hahahah and when they weren't falling on there own some one was pulling them down. His excuse they looked sexy down along with my bra straps. Men hahahaha. Then we went to lunch at the Old Spagitti Factory. I had this amazing greek chicken. OMG the chicken was so tender. Then we went to go see a movie. We wanted to see Dodge Ball. We get there is a huge line and we would have missed part of the begining, and we both hate missing parts of movies so we decided to leave. We then decided to get things to make a hair wrap for my hair at Michaels. We did that then went back to his house, and he did my hair wrap. Then we went back to see the movie again, and we missed it. So then we had two choices. Stefford wives and Riddic. We went with Riddic. It was all right. Then after the movie we just went and hung out at his house. I stayed the night and we behaved ourselves hahaha. I swear we did. We just cuddled. I love cuddling with him because well he is 6"4' so when he lays behind me he completly covers my body. I guess it gives me a really really safe and secure feeling. Hehehehe then when I spoon behind him I feel so small because it takes most of my body just to cover his torso. He has work the next morning so we didn't spend much time together in the morning. hahaha I swear that boy takes forever to get his ass going some times. I was going to get up, and shower he looked at the clock. Then told me he had to get ready in a few minutes. I said fine you go first. He didn't get up he laided in bed longer, and we just cuddled till he was pushing it on being on time. After I got ready I left his house and went to both a friend. We watched Club Dread (spelling?). It was ok but not as funny as Super Troopers. Then we went to another friends house because he told joltbloodedpsycho we would go over to Sinbads house. We watched more movies. Then we went to a Huka bar with his friend he likes. She is really nice. I like her and she gets my approval to be with him. He is a really sweet guy. I was joking with him and told him it's ok you can date her. Then he told me that he had us hang out together so I could get to know her a bit. I feel honored he wanted my opinion on her. Like I said before he is a really nice guy, and I hope for the best for him. I can't wait to see if they get together or not. OMG he wrote this beautiful poem. He is such a romantic. I wish more guys were like him. Any ways I may or may not see him Friday night at a game thingie. Ugh I have no plans for the fourth. I want to have fun for the fourth. I think I need to get really smashed for the fourth. Any one out there having a killer party hahaha. I really need one. Yes parts of my life are looking a hell of alot better, but there are some things still crappy. I just need a release. Ah glacierbear and his b/f and I are to all go out clubbing some time. I hope it is some time soon. I so want to go out dancing. Glacierbear is even going to get all dressed up. Ah other good news. My friend Dana called me today to see how I was doing. She moved and is closer to where I use to be staying, but still closer. She wants to get together some time soon and have dinner. I bet I could get her to go clubbing. We went out clubbing one time when I stayed with her back in March. *sigh* I wish I had some place to stay up North where most of my friends are at. I will just have to keep saving so that I can move up there. It just seems like it will take forever to get there. Any ways I have run out of shit to say so tttthat's all folks

bah I had and entry and this thing once again didn't save it and at this momment don't feel like retyping it. So I will type it all over again later on some time.

Ok where to start. Hmm I'm back at home but I had to leave for a bit. I took off Sunday night. Went and stayed at glacierbears. He is such a sweetie. He helped cheer me up. I had to get out of this house. It has been a mad house. They made me believe in happly ever afters again but also destroyed that. I don't want to go into detail. I really needed to get away and thank god glacierbear wasn't joking about me going to see him. He always puts me in a better mood. *giggles* Speaking of glacierbear we have a date Saturday night. Well we might also go to Disneyland before the dinner and movie. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I have some cloths I order but not sure which skirt will get here first. I really want to wear the short one but I have a feeling the long one will get here first. The long one does have a very very high slit and is cute but I want to wear the short one. I also have no idea what shirt I will wear. AHHHHH what is a girl to do. Ugh I have didn't work today which is shitty. I was told it would take awhile for work to pick up for me but this is taking to long. I'm going to start looking for a new job come next week. I really want a data entry job. It would be a great job for me. I just didn't have any luck with the ones I applyed for. eck will finish later if I can

Bare skin exposed to all Claws sharpened to a point Scratching digging tearing Flesh torn away from the bone Bleeding searing pain Drip drip as it hits the floor Blood collects in a pool There lays his heart Still beating

Well Tues night I went up to Oc and stayed the night with a friend so we could hang out on Wen. We just ran around and went shoping pretty much. I bought new panties,shirt,and a braclet. I tried to find a doll made my bleed edge goth because well it is named after me so I want it hahahahaha. We could not find in stock any where :(. Hehehe I had more fun than just that and have the marks to prove it hahaha bad bad bear. Any ways I also spent the night there thurs day and we just hung out then I took him to work. I found out I will be working every day next week no big deal just means more money for me . WOO HOO. I want to buy more cloths hahaha. Friday I went and got my hair cut. It's not what I wanted. The freaking lady just did not understand what I was trying to tell her. So I just let it be before she really fucked it up. I had some one offer to cut it for me and I think I might just let him. He has trimmed and shaved the back of it before for me and didn't do a bad job at all. I also went out with my friend Rene Fri night. We dance for three hours straight. Any ways when we left to go home we found that her car had been towed, and no she was not drunk. She was ok to drive. We had all ready decided if we were to drunk we would stay in a hotel for the night. AWhat had happened is we parked in Denny's parking lot. Well they wait and watch to see if you go in or not and if you don't with in ten minutes they tow you. So we get out and Rene says they towed my car. I thought she was fucking with me but she wasn't.So we had to get a cab to the tow yard then get the car. I was so tired from dancing I just wanted to crash but couldn't. OMG and they charge you out the ass for stupid shit. They charged her for two days when it wasn't even there for one day. We called and woke up her husband thinking he would have to come get us. IT was one hell of a night. Oh well it's done and over with. And folks that's all I have to write for now.

Wow I had one hell of a weekend. My friend decided she needed time away from her husband and kids. Well her husband has been a bit insecure lately. It was driving her nuts and there were other things also. He and I got drunk Friday night. I explained to him how I get the same way and need time alone. I don't want any one around. He felt better after we talked Friday night. Saturday we went to Dave and Busters. That was my first time there any ways back to what I was talking about. Well then he found out she had a male friend show up and it upset him because of who he was. I explained she is probably just doing what you did Friday night. Getting a males point of view on things. Which I was right. He had me talk to her when she got home to explain how he felt. He had also wrote a note for her. He just didn't want to piss her off and wanted me to smooth things over I guess. Any ways now they have had some kind of talk and well she is going to get her time alone and then family time and he will also have his time. At first he wanted me to save up money and leave right away. Which I didn't find out till Friday. Now after they have talked he said he wants me to stay around for moral support. I'm glad I helped them both. She has also said thank you for talking to him because now he under stands things. It just for some reason has taken a toll on me some how.. So now I want to get away for a day. I might be heading up to OC tomorrow night. I just have to work a couple of things out before hand. I hope they work out for me. I need to go up and spend time with some one who is really good for me. You know who you are and for those of you who don't know it's my friend glacierbear. He is a sweetie. He always helps me out when he can. We have no idea what we are going to do besides go to Dickies outlet store and get hoodies. I don't care what we do really just as long as I get away from here for a day. It's just weird around here. I mean I'm not sure how they can just be so unhappy one minute and then the way they were with each other today. I mean hell if I had not been around I would have no idea that they were unhappy before hand. All right I need to get some sleep I do have work in the morning.