Perhaps this will be my solo entry for 2014? I am unsure. I honestly lost any real motivation to write years ago. I no longer frequent coffee shops or dark alleys. I now find a completely different set of rules appropriate. What a sham. On the flip side of everything, I am happily employed by an award winning start up company that makes a dating application for mobile devices. I will not say the company name but rest assured we have made a splash and news feeds the world over have been talking about us. The culture at work is amazing. I work with some of the most brilliant minds in southern CA. We have toys and deadlines, booze and coffee, flat screens, yoga, more toys and about 3 dozen nerf guns with lots of ammunition. Because sometimes, bitches just have to get shot. Or bitches be wired in with a headset and the only way to get their attention is by simply shooting them until they start paying attention. #payattentiontome I suppose by the end of this year I will have finally proposed to the girl. We started our journy down the rabbit hole just over two years ago and I find her comfortable. Unless she ends up killing me in my sleep, I am sure we will be married sometime in 2015. zomgwtfbbq?

First SD post was over ten years ago. Completely had forgotten this site existed. Wonderfull to see Scott still keeping it going. Cheers to life. Cheers to new beginings and new family and friends. Long live skynet and the anom movement. We are legion.

i seem to only come here to vent these days, days which tend to be few and far between... i really miss having someone to call my own. so many friends and family have gotten married over the last few years. my sister is married now as well and has a kid. im not sure at what point i let things slip away. i know that i want someone who fits into my life and mine hers. i dont want her or i to have to let go of what makes us real. i have so many things i enjoy doing and every girl over the past decade has wanted to nuke some of that. i understand compromise but not when it involves what makes someone happy. i dont even know where to start looking, and i dont have time either. i cant pull from my groups of friends and i dont like the idea of bringing someone into the fold too early on because history can repeat itself. i dont like clubs anymore and if i go to a show, im usually in the pit and not paying attention to much else. i dont do the bar scene anymore and i dont do blind dates. (not like any ever come up) i have a terrible reputation amongst my friends as a player and i can understand why. truth be told though, that my occasional hook ups' are with the same friends and its been the drunken make out thing for years. i can honestly say i havent been laid in over a year and a half or so. telling people i have been a different person for years now wont make a difference as to how they view that side of me. people will come to me for a variety of proplems but wont want to accept im not the same person i was years ago. im going to be 30 and single, i just know it. i missed out on so many things and was too ignorant about loving people back who truly loved me as well. i dont know what else to really say. all i want is that connection, a friend and lover. someone to grow old with and have a family. someone to nerd out with me or go to a show or game. i guess maybe this is what i get for my past.

So after a weekend of thoughts I find myself no closer to a solution for the woes... Part of me wants nothing more than to let go and get out and about. Search for that someone with vigor. I know I have at least decided to try my best in letting go of certain demons. It hinders me to look back at failings and allow the shadows to overcome me. I have my family and my friends, whom over the years, have proven to me my foundation and grounding. People who will do anything and everything within their power to help me when I need it. But, like any other human, I yearn for more. I seek that which is known as the other half. I dismissed too many, and as I said previously, I will not let go the next time. Now I just have to find that person. That someone who becomes a part of me. That individual who will be nothing less than my best friend, confidant, and lover. To grow old with and love. I am 26 now and I don't want to be 30 and looking back as I do so now; through eyes of the past.

Guess I needed some S.D. therapy, for it has been too long. I have been getting closer and closer to some of my friends lately. Others, I have chosen to stand back from for one reason or another. I am inclined to want to cut out parts of my life, even memories that tend to haunt. I find myself so lonely. I spent my entire life wanting nothing more than to live for me, to do as I saw fit. Now, I see life for what it is; a short time frame in which a person either allows himself the luxury of happiness or the pain of sadness. It is all very simple indeed. I spent the last couple days randomly finding girls I once loved and cared about just to see where they were at. All of them married, all of them more beautiful than ever. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and done what I now know I should have done. To treat them with love, care for them, absorb their passions and explore the life that could have been. In a day and age when things move so quickly, it is hard for me to comprehend the likelihood of ever finding what I know I have lost. I am not sure what is more depressing, knowing I could have had someone who would have given me their everything, or knowing that I have grown into something that tends to reject anything new because of that. I suppose I am playing the same game with myself; woe is me. But damnit, woe is me. Parents always say, 'noone wrote a book on how to do this.' Well I say, noone wrote a book on how to recognize and hold on to the precious and the beautiful when your young. How was I supposed to know women were not always going to be throwing themselves at my door? What a failure. I digress now, my venting complete for the time being. Perhaps I will wake up in the marrow and I won't see a shadow lying beside me.

came home from work tired as hell... laid down not caring if i slept 30 mins or 30 hours... my thoughts turned to dreams. but not the dreams that are found deep within ones mind. these dreams were on the surface; mixing with semi conscious thoughts... started with going back in time with todays knowledge... preventing 9/11, telling my mother to call her brother the day before he died, saying by to my grandmother... one thing led to another and i began reliving my life making different decisions... complete mind fuck... here is to you johnny walker...

still here... a touch of reality sometimes does the trick... an ODE to the zeros... -------------- i have tickets to see the pumpkins tomorrow night... cheers...

at school... its 07 now... life has equated to work, school, wow... single... no time for anything... including friends really... socially interactions limited to MMORPGs...

went to shannans and kicked it tonight... felt great holding her and layin on the couch... flirted a bit and that was awesome... i see love in her eyes and it makes me feel complete... im waiting babe...

thought this site was gone for good... been in love with shannan and shes been going through some very rough times... i pray that we can find each other again... i pray that she finds herself... she has taught me how to truly love and ive been trying to change a few things about myself... life is a fucked up thing and maybe when my days come to an end i can leave this earth knowing i did a few things right...

sometimes i feel as if i need to defrag my mind... the clusters that have been lost are starting to get in the way of any new information i try to prosess at any given moment... maybe i could wipe the hard drive clean and start anew... --------------------------------- for the first time in my life i think i have come to the conclusion that if i could go back and hit the restart button i would... ive never said that before... maybe im only now allowing myself to realize what i have always known... one chance to start all over... id know id only have to change a few things in order to be in a different place... who knows... maybe id be right back here...

so i wasnt going to write anything but when i jumped on to see if someone was working on the site i noticed that an individual had posted something on relationships... bravo pelatos or whatever your name was... i fealt as if that note was written by me from a female perspective... thats been the story of my life... ill want you until you want me or i get some then that feeling i had is gone like it was never there... dont ask me how or why...

so this shit with tony and G is bothersome... i always knew something would go down and finally rip what was already tearing the fabric which was the Sweet Daddy's crew... i think worse than accepting that reality is knowing where i truly stand on it... and if either of them ask me flat out... well they will get my 411 on that note... and i could give two shits about what people think because im the mother fuckin mac daddy... w00t!!! go WoW on a side note...

its 3am and i think im getting sick... i blame john... -------------------------------- my back hurts... i blame this chair... -------------------------------- WoW is doing maintenance... i blame blizzard for keeping me up... -------------------------------- i dont want to get sick... i blame you...

so bee went to arizona to visit a dying grandmother... while on her way we relayed text after text in a continuance of our last conversation at work... this girl blows my mind because i see so much of myself in her... the jaded portions of my mind are hers as well... we have both been through some horrible relationships and we are now in the process of using each other for healing... this was never even in the realm of possibilities when we first met and hooked up... this girl i want but i cant have and it is the same for her as well... looks aside, and she is a looker, hell she is trying out for the san diego chargers cheer squad, she has more depth than i know what to do with... and not the depth that has a metric ton of baggage attached either, this girl just has ten thousand levels to her... she has allowed me to open up and begin to admit things openely that i have not wanted to let forth for anyone... it all just fell into place like it was nothing... my general annoyance is gone and i find myself wanting to just sit and talk with her more and more... the text messages at eight in the morning bring a smile to my face as do the ones right before bed... it has also occured to me that i am ninety nine percent sure that she or i will end up in the end with someone else by our side but thats ok now... strange as it is for me to process this situation like that... she doesnt deserve what she has had in the past nor should she continue to find guys like she has had... i hope more than anything we both can walk away from this and be not only better people but were able to have at least that one person to count on emotionally without that attachment... we both need it...

so in seven days this journal will be exactly three years old... which is pretty wierd considering everything... i cant say that it details the last three years but i can say that it at least sheds some lite into certain areas of my life... i always have had problems figuring out when exactly something has happened and giving a time period has always sucked... this has allowed me to three years to to check up on... for instance... it has been two years sence i moved back to southern cali... sigh... went by pretty damn fast and i knida miss bloomington... a lot... on another note i think that everyone i know that knows about this page has completely forgotten about it... word yo... i kinda like that...

i know that scott has been workin to fix this site now... i just wish hed hurry the hell up and get it done... he hasnt posted anything new in a few months and id like to be able to access the user info once again... well thats my two cents on that note...

i have yet to seriously sit down and question the voices in my head. they have formed a sort of democracy that is very similar to the two party system we have here in america. granted they are pretty much one sided when it comes to most things. as an example most of the voices would tend to lead me in the direction of the closest beer or or bottle of liquor. but thats cool. sometimes they even let me do both. they also have the tendency to draw me into fights or the such. i really dont mind as long as they let common sense come into play. little bastards. anyway ill touch up on this more later.

sometimes i dun know how i manage to do it... truley a champion last night... viva la Clancy's baby... ------------------------------------- party out at Oscars tonight and every member of the deuce is rollin down... we shall see how this plays out... perhaps KG and i will have to show the others how we role... ------------------------------------- gave brit the letter i wrote back in 2002 when G and i went on our first road trip... she said she wanted it so i gave it to her... wierdness...

so i have almost had this site nmow for three years... wow... it still trips me out when i think about when and where this page started... sigh... oi drow...