There is such anger in my heart right now, and I can't put my finger on its cause. Maybe its because its so many things that have just built up until I can no longer stay in silence. I have finally found someone that can almost bring me to the brink of happiness, and all that I have gotten is hell for his age. No support, no happy you are happy. And I am not saying that I am happy, but this is the closest I have been to happiness in a long time, and because of it all i feel is more desolotion. Everyone i once loved and relied on has gone so far away. I know that I have said this again, but the pain has yet to cease. I often cotemplate my life, and what I want. What I want is either to have my life back or to have all the strings cut. My Wings is being cold to me, and yet I am still married to him in technicallities. He is so far away, and has moved on. but, i still have to stare at that string almost every day. It is fucking up my life. but how can you cut a string when the one holding it won't talk to you, not really. He's in town but I doubt that he will come to see me. like everyone else in my past he wants nothing to do with me, hasn't said it, but i hear it in his tone when he called. once he has called in the past four months. the man i once thought would always be my best friend the one that i would always love, and all i fear for him now is anger hurt and i think hate. this hole is emptying of love and is filling up with anger and hate. i am learning and that knowledge only makes me hate more, you myself everyone. until happiness is the light at the end of the tunnel that i don't have the strength to go towards. i sit here and wonder what i should have done differnt. would anything have been differnt if i didn't go down to New Orleans. I am starting to feel less guilty about sleeping with BJ because in the end it wouldn't have mattered. I would gotten bored, your demons would have eaten you up. You were my Wings but we were doomed so long i wanted to hold in my arms but you are just as poisonous as BJ, he taught me pain you taught me slow desolation. I think that if were meant to be we would have found a way, you wouldn't have wandered off with Kelly we would still be togther, but all of our promises were lies. I am bitter i am pain filled and i want to make someone pay. Silence is a bitch.