I know I'm supposed to be on hiatus but I can not believe what my aunt just told me. My stepdad is suing the hospital because he thinks that my mom wouldn't be dead if they hadn't given her a certain drug. I've struggled so hard to get over putting blame on anyone and I don't need this. It would be easier to blame a doctor but I'm not looking for easy. I'm looking for finding a peace in my life. Having a person to blame gives me the excuse to carry around all kinds of hatred and negative thoughts. I just stared at my aunt when she told me. This lawsuit could change my life. My school could be paid for, I could have money in the bank. But I don't want it. My mom is dead. No amount of money will help it or change anything or make me feel good about it. I don't equate human life with financial value. It blows my mind that I spent all this time hurting and grieving and trying to piece my life back together and it's all in vain. Because the second a judge says that it was a wrongful death I will backtrack. It'll be like she's dying all over again. I don't care if it was someone's fault. I was doing great just accepting it as an act of God. And I know it was an act of God even if it was a doctor's fault but you can't put blame on God. Well, I guess people can but I don't. I just wish things were the same now as they were this morning.