Emptiness is what you feel when you obtain perfection then throw it away, dismissing it's value wholly and completely. But he was right, it was fear that did it. I was scared. Now I settle myself in to mediocrity, sweet, comfortable nothingness. Everything I never wanted.

I think I've lost my best friend because he fell in love with me. And I'm falling for him. After all I've fucking been through, all I've established. Someone needs to teach this whore a lesson.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to cut myself everytime he does something I don't like. Or every time he doesn't do something I think he should have done. He doesnt care, at all. At all at all at all. It's stupid. Why am I wasting my fucking time. I'm just down. I feel like I have nothing and I feel like crying simultaneously. Jesus, if I wanted a no one I would have gone to Ipswich and found a boyfriend from there. I want someone else. Someone. Someone with a fucking future. Someone who does things, and doesnt just sit on his ass all day playing video games or sleeping. I feel like shit. Like I'm destined to be nothing if I stay with him. I know I will be. I wish he knew this, he might be motivated to actually do something. Hah, probably not.

I'm so ugly. I'm a social reject. I'm fucking stupid, moronic. I look for the best in people. These are the reasons why everyone hates me. Fucking rightfully so.

I just realised how dumb everyone I know is. I'm so alone.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 43% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||| 23% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||| 50% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||| 76% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 76% Wealth |||||||||||| 43% Dependency |||||||||||| 43% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 70% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||| 76% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com

And fucking yet again, I find myself wishing I had those fucking pills. I'm an idiot.

Why the hell are you so awful? Why are you so disgusting? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THAT ISN'T APPROPRIATE, THAT ISN'T FAIR. That's disgusting. You've never been a great person, I've always known this. But I never thought you capable... It's so messed up, such a messed up situation. I knew you were a slut. I was ok with that, a modern 15-year old girl as a sexual being, but when you do something like this, I lose respect. I can't believe it. It's not that he was my ex, it's what he was in relation to you and your boyfriend. The guy you were with for like a fucking year. YOU DONT JUST THROW THAT AWAY. HAVE YOU NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR ANYONE. HE'S DAVE'S BEST FRIEND. DAVE MUST HAVE NO SELF-RESPECT TO TAKE YOU BACK, JUST AS YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HIM. IT DESTROYS PEOPLE. THINK THROUGH YOUR FUCKING ACTIONS. DONT HIDE BEHIND THAT FUCKING LABEL OF CONFUSION, HAVE SOME FUCKING THOUGHT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. THE PERSON YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LOVE. YOU DONT DESERVE ANYONE, DO YOU REALISE? Fuck. I never thought you capable of being this disgusting. This horrible. You fucking little slut, grow up and start caring about someone other than yourself.

Fuck, I'm so hateful. I'm so depressed and theres only one person who can help me get out of it, but he seems to be freaking ignorant to this fact. All he has to do is talk to me, but he doesn't even want to do that. This thought, the thought that I actually had/have no one in this world who cares about me instigated a relapse. I'm at that apathatic stage. Motherfuckers. I hate them all. The one person I want to hate cant help me. What an idiot. I'm so tired... My eyes hurt because I've been crying, you moron. Do I have to explain fucking everything to you? Fuck. Males.

I'm so sick of being used. Being ignored. Being attacked. Being told that I'm good enough and that I'll never acheive anything. I just hate everyone. But I hate myself more. It's all so true and deserved. I'm so, so depressed. I don't think I've ever felt this low. Oh god, remind me why I'm still alive. Because I deluded myself? I deluded myself into thinking that someone cared about me for what I really was. I believed that he didn't want me to change even though I did, so much. I thought that that was love. Hahahahaha. No. There is no love. No one could ever POSSIBLY love me for who I really am. I've been wasting my time. I'm so disgusting. It's funny, because my life isn't even worth living anymore. The quality is so fucking shit. And I can't figure out what I've done to deserve it. I really think I just want to die now. I think I'm crying. I think I'm alone. Very, very alone. There is no point in anything. I'm losing all faith I had in people, and that means I'll have no faith in anything at all. I think I'm right; I think I'm actually quite a bit smart than those who make different decisions (but isnt everyone like that?)and so I stick to them. I'm going to cut myself off from him then. So I can maybe finally reach the point where I'm certain of something, this will probably be the choice to end my life.

I am such a no one. I am a stupid, selfish, pathetic, hypocritical no one. Fucking awful. Where the fuck am I headed? At least those ruining their lives know what they're doing. Why can't I make a fucking decision? Why can't I fucking just be sure. I don't even want to be happy, I just want to be sure. Screw it. Screw all of this, I'm going to temporarily go back to that immature way of making me feel remotely special. At least I'm deciding to do SOMETHING.

What the motherfucking hell is wrong with me? I seriously can not do one thing right. I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I have awful judgement, I really am just very very dumb. I dont know what we should do. I'm sick of everything being so fucking expensive. The fact that The leader of this country is going to take a lot more money from me now doesnt help. I fucking hate this society, Australia is SUCH shit country and it's all because of the Liberal government. The economy and society is designed for us to get into as much debt as possible and earn as little as possible. What the fuck? I'm so damn paranoid about all this that I'm depriving myself of the one thing I actually want in this world, because being with him is very expensive. The one thing which actually makes me happy, that thing which I've had to give up far too many times, I want to slit my wrists, I want to slit them so bad, I want to bleed. I can't find a reason for existing, other than him, and I can't have him. It's disgusting, I disgust myself, I hate myself, I hate myself so much and I'm so fucking messed up and alone. What the hell? I'm so, so, so very wrong. I'm a very abnormal human being. Occasionally I take pride in this, but I think I have issues. I don't know what or who I am, I don't know what is best for me, I dont know what I'm doing, but I know I'm unhappy. And I know it's my own fault. I honestly, honestly cant do one single thing right. How the hell am I supposed to be a functioning adult in the world? I'm so god damn disgustingly wrong. I really, really just can't find a reason to continue how I'm going. And I'm too unsure to make any decisions whatsoever. Maybe, maybe if I kill myself it would be best. Motherfucking Jesus, I'm such a fucking pretentious hypocritical disgusting excuse of a person. I hate emos, I fucking hate most people, I hate myself, but I'm just the same as everyone else. And some how, some how, it doesnt help me to get better. NO. NOTHING WILL, NOTHING EVER EVER EVER WILL HELP ME GET BETTER. And if I can't get better then there is no point in living, at all. None. I wish I wasn't so indecisive. Help me, oh god, help me someone, please, pelase help me, I need so much help. I ramble on so fucking much. I need to shuttup, as I've already said, why the fuck can't I just stop typing? I'm so god damn worthless. Pathetic. I swear I am so good at angsting. Watch me be a hypocrite, everyone! Just kill me. OH god, make that decision for me, please, please help me.

Twice now I've glanced back, over my shoulder, as I've walked away from him. Twice now I've seen that sad expression on his face and choked up, wanting to burst into tears while walking up those stairs. Twice now I've known that I turned my back on everything that makes me happy and everything that is best for me, as an individual. Twice now I've cried over it, then felt numb. Its just not fair to have everything you ever wanted for a short amount of time, only then to have it taken away from you. I miss his smell. Just being able to hug him. I miss kissing him, in that cute no-tongue way, then smiling at him. I miss laughing and knowing that he thinks I'm pretty. I miss being able to say whatever comes to my mind. I miss being myself. I miss being proud of him and knowing that other people love him just as much as I do. I miss him teasing me. I miss being happy with him. I just miss him so much. It's so god damn unfair, no one should have to go through that, not again. God, not again.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m half starting fights with you then stopping myself because I know it’s pointless, hurtful and immature. I think I’ve been like this for a few days. I know I’m stupid, I know that I’m insecure and that I’m doubting everything. I’m constantly paranoid that I’m not thin enough for you or that my breasts are too big or even too small, I’m paranoid that you won’t find me attractive. I’m paranoid even about the fact that you talk to my old best friend online. My mind tells me things like you’re finding yourself attracted to her personality or her picture. Even that she’s more interesting than I am, which is probably quite likely to be true as we’ve been talking for two years and she’s fairly new to you. Nothing you say to this could make these thoughts go away. Maybe I distance myself from you when I have these thoughts, and then I’m pretty sure I treat you badly, or at least ignore you. And then I get scared because I know I shouldn’t treat you badly, but some part still wants to hurt you. At the same time I just want to kiss you because I love you though. I don’t like not being able to actually be with you or talk to you. I hate this, online communication is stupid and it annoys me. I know that I wouldn’t be acting so stupidly if we were together in real life. I don’t know why I’m doing it. I’m sort of finding things which you do or say and making myself hate you for them. You shouldn’t try to hide it when you get pissed off or frustrated with me or because of me, that’s awful. No one should have to do that because of the person they love. I think there’s less to be gained by avoiding arguments than actually arguing… if that makes sense. I’m glad you told me though, at least I know now that I’m shockingly awful. I hope you don’t even try to disagree with that description of me. I don’t know what to say. I know I’m wrong here. I know what I keep doing is incredibly stupid, irrational and immature. I love you to the point where it’s crazy (I’m sitting here in your stupid goddamn jumper which smells like you), that’s probably why I’m still obsessing over this an hour and a half after it happened, and yet some part of me wants to hurt you. Trust me; I hate myself for this more than you could ever, ever hate me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or even what I’m fucking writing but I can’t leave it at this, because I know that we probably won’t work out if I keep being this stupid. The funny thing is that you’re all I have and if I ever lost you I wouldn’t have a point in living. I don’t trust anyone other than you, really. I don’t feel like I have any emotional connection to anyone else. Not my mother, not Di, not Holman, not Shan, not Ame. Maybe I really don’t want to be happy, like I said the other day. I don’t know, this isn’t even worth you wasting your time reading it, it’s as fucking erratic and incoherent as me. But for some reason which I have no hope of actually explaining I’ll send it to you anyway. I'm over it, this is just bullshit now.

It's funny, because I don't think I've felt this alone and depressed in a very long time. This apathetic and angry. Contradictive too, I guess. Just generally weird as well. And I'm not supposed to. I'm scared about everything and I keep doubting everything. I feel like nothing's going right. I'm in love, but I don't feel so happy. I feel like I'm nothing. Or a whole bunch of bad stuff. I hate myself again. So fucking convenient. So fucking awful. So fucking lonely. What's changed? I tell him things... and it doesn't do anything. It's not like I feel any better. When I'm with him I'm happier, I guess this is true. But when I'm not with him I'm just like I normally am. It's not like im overly depressed or anything, unless me normally is overly depressed... Why the hell aren't things any clearer? I know, I'm not trying hard enough. And now, I deliberately ignore him because he took too long to respond to me. Some ridiculous sort of revenge. But I end up feeling bad. Does that mean I love him and am supposed to give up everything for him, like I intend? I don't fucking know and it's scary. What is this? What the hell is this? Hahahaha, I'm so, so alone. It's so inconvenient.

Funny, I didn't even intend to match the song to my mood. But seriously, I mean, wouldn't you be a little suss if the guy you loved was spending a few days with in the same room as a girl? I haven't really seen her, just a picture and she seems reasonably attractive. She's kinda got that submissive hosuewife thing going on, I guess. O_o. I should trust him but theres no way I can stop myself going emo while thinking about this. Uh oh. I'm just very "O_o" about the whole thing. Already I feel like he's giving all his attention to her. Hahaha. Wow, nervous much? I think I have every reason to be paranoid. But I'm also stupid for being paranoid and thinking the things I do. I hate myself.

Im going insane. Im honestly going insane, thats how filled with love I am. There's no way this can not be sappy. I just love him, I love him, I love him more than anything or anyone and I want the best for him, I want him to be happy and I want to be with him. I crave it. I've never wanted to be with anyone so much in my entire life, such a strong pysical craving. I love him so much. I can't explain it, the word love just isnt enough anymore. Just... Want. Adore. Crave. Need. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

It would appear that I have sold out. I fell in love, I got the guy. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Now I can't be emo! :(

Hahahahahahhahhahahahah. Hahhahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahaha. I can't describe how funny it is. When you're proven right, when they come back and apologise, when you've already won, when they've already realised that they've lost. Hahahahhaa. Now Jho's gone, she's a stoner and a theif, she was the fastest gone, and the others wont get anywhere. But.... he actually told me. He told me he knew at the rate he was going, he'd end up with a wife he hated, everything he hated. And me... I've already found perfection. I've seriously landed myself in heaven. Already. It's just great, it's wonderfully hilarious when things work out perfectly for you. Words of anger end up the words of prophecy. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I love being me.

There are no highlights. It is perfect and it is private. And I am loved. I am loved. I love, I love, I love. I want to wake up next to him and know that he is mine just as much. Just as much. I love. He protects me. I am loved. I love. I love the way he fucks up...