I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m half starting fights with you then stopping myself because I know it’s pointless, hurtful and immature. I think I’ve been like this for a few days. I know I’m stupid, I know that I’m insecure and that I’m doubting everything. I’m constantly paranoid that I’m not thin enough for you or that my breasts are too big or even too small, I’m paranoid that you won’t find me attractive. I’m paranoid even about the fact that you talk to my old best friend online. My mind tells me things like you’re finding yourself attracted to her personality or her picture. Even that she’s more interesting than I am, which is probably quite likely to be true as we’ve been talking for two years and she’s fairly new to you. Nothing you say to this could make these thoughts go away. Maybe I distance myself from you when I have these thoughts, and then I’m pretty sure I treat you badly, or at least ignore you. And then I get scared because I know I shouldn’t treat you badly, but some part still wants to hurt you. At the same time I just want to kiss you because I love you though. I don’t like not being able to actually be with you or talk to you. I hate this, online communication is stupid and it annoys me. I know that I wouldn’t be acting so stupidly if we were together in real life. I don’t know why I’m doing it. I’m sort of finding things which you do or say and making myself hate you for them. You shouldn’t try to hide it when you get pissed off or frustrated with me or because of me, that’s awful. No one should have to do that because of the person they love. I think there’s less to be gained by avoiding arguments than actually arguing… if that makes sense. I’m glad you told me though, at least I know now that I’m shockingly awful. I hope you don’t even try to disagree with that description of me. I don’t know what to say. I know I’m wrong here. I know what I keep doing is incredibly stupid, irrational and immature. I love you to the point where it’s crazy (I’m sitting here in your stupid goddamn jumper which smells like you), that’s probably why I’m still obsessing over this an hour and a half after it happened, and yet some part of me wants to hurt you. Trust me; I hate myself for this more than you could ever, ever hate me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or even what I’m fucking writing but I can’t leave it at this, because I know that we probably won’t work out if I keep being this stupid. The funny thing is that you’re all I have and if I ever lost you I wouldn’t have a point in living. I don’t trust anyone other than you, really. I don’t feel like I have any emotional connection to anyone else. Not my mother, not Di, not Holman, not Shan, not Ame. Maybe I really don’t want to be happy, like I said the other day. I don’t know, this isn’t even worth you wasting your time reading it, it’s as fucking erratic and incoherent as me. But for some reason which I have no hope of actually explaining I’ll send it to you anyway. I'm over it, this is just bullshit now.