A post which no one will read or care about because it doesnt affect them in any way and is repetative and boring. I am numb, as always, but I’m still crying. I don’t know why, I was fine until he hugged me that one last time. Now I’m listening to all the songs that we loved, and it’s making me sadder. I’m cold. I know he’ll remember me as the girlfriend who never cried, who never opened up, who never told him anything, who never loved. I hate this. I hate being so numb, emotionless, but I can’t help it. Maybe if I wasn’t like this, I could’ve actually communicated with him. I could’ve told him that I didn’t feel loved; I could’ve learnt to trust him. It’s awful because I know I’m one of those delusional girls who think we’re going to get back together sometime soon. Even as I sit here now, typing this, I know that I think we’ll be back together soon. Almost 5 months. How would it be possible for me to not have felt anything for him? I don’t understand him. He doesn’t understand me. We should’ve tried harder, but I know it’s not his fault because I’m just not mature enough to do what it takes to keep a relationship going. So close to Valentine’s Day, too… I was looking forward to it. I wanted to book a motel room and wear my Christmas present for him. So many things that I’ll miss out on now, because I’m too closed, I’m too stubborn, I’m too used to being alone. I wish I could go back and change things, but I still don’t know how we could’ve avoided this without me changing drastically. I hate this, I hate change… and now I’ll have nothing to do with my time. I’m as lonely as I was even when I was with him, but now I’ll have more time to realize it. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go. And it sucks, because he was the one who wanted this. He was the one who wanted a relationship with me. I hate relationships. Why should anyone go into something knowing that it will eventually end? I hate this. I hate not being with him but I know that if I still was with him I’d probably hate that too because I don’t have what it takes to be in a mature relationship. I’m stupid, I’m stubborn, I’m closed. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I really hope I didn’t. He was so angry about that lie. I don’t know why I said it, but I did and it’s just me. I’m just the kind of person who would rather stay alone and recover than drag others into my constant complaining and everything else. Did I love him? Sometimes, the answer hasn’t changed. I loved him when I knew he loved me. And now I’ll never know that, I’ve destroyed everything. I need to feel something, I have to, otherwise my life isn’t even worth living. I remember the first and possibly only deep and meaningful conversation I ever had with him, it was about whether life was worth living if all you felt was pain and sadness. I said no, he said yes. It left me thinking… I was too scared that he’d know how fucked up I am and then he’d want to leave me. I keep remembering all these things about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I opened the fridge before, and I thought “This is the first time I’ve opened the fridge since we broke up.” How stupid. I don’t want this. I want to be able to talk to him, I want to realize that he loves me and I want to love him back, but it’s too late now. He got sick of the fact that I couldn’t trust him. But I don’t know how. Does this mean that any further relationships I have are doomed? I don’t want to think about them. I want to think about him, I keep thinking about him. Relationships are stupid, they end. It comes back to the question: Is brief happiness worth it if it ends in sadness, like most relationships? Happiness, sadness, life. I just want to be normal. If I was normal this wouldn’t have happened. If I could trust, if I could feel, if I could communicate then I could be happy. The sad thing is he doesn’t know I’m crying, I didn’t cry until I was alone, I never cried in front of him. No wonder he wanted to end it. I’m very sorry for wasting his time. Even if I didn’t love him I want to be with him. I saw this coming, I don’t know why I didn’t stop it, maybe I didn’t know how? It’s all because I’m not mature enough to maintain a relationship with another human being. I wish I was normal.