I hate mondays. I hate the feeling, the taste and the sounds. I hate teachers, and the way they drown their students in a sea of papers and tests. I hate anxiety, and the way it burns my heart, and surpresses my lungs, to a point where I can't breath, and ever breath I can get in hurts like hell. I hate believing that things are only going to get worse. I hate it when things get worse. I hate it when I don't follow my intuation, and it blows up in my face. I hate it when teachers treat their students unequally and have favorites. I hate it that I hate so many things. I just hate mondays. I love it when I come home and my mom does something to put a smile on my face.

i wrote a note for someone, but i was to afriad to give it to him.. so maybe he'll read this. i wrote it in 5th period. i started crying in front of the class. i don't think anyone saw me though. Why aren't you happy? all i ever tried was to make you happy, even if it left me completely miserable. i don't know why i tried so hard, and kept coming back for acceptence, when you never cared for me. you lied. and you did was lie, you said i was perfect. you only completely noticed me, when i was there in front of you. i was you're lil toy. you tortured me, saying yo u love me when it was just a lie. 11 days it will be a year. i am certain you don't remember that. i was in love, but you never realized how much i loved you. you just threw the words around, treating suicide like a game. why'd i put up with it? i swear, all thhhese scars remind me of you, i can't forget you now. you're name is carved in my leg, it's right after the words "i love". you're in my flesh now. i don't want that. everytime i had the razor in my hands, all i saw was you're eyes, the eyes that made me go numb when ever i stared in them. i know i need to move on. but you're following every step i take. you're just lingering behind me. i don't want that. i'm starting to desolate, if i wasn't before. i still don't know why i never left you in the dust. i will never understand why i cried for you, and why i bled for you. i thought i saved you i always thought i could. but you were never quite there foor me to save. and even if you were, you wouldn't have listened to me. why did i put up with your abuse? i'm not okay it's all yoour fault. you were meant for her not me. girl to girl. it's them not me. maybe someday you'll take my place and bleed. and i'll be like you and laugh about it.

i quit my job. i feel great

I figured I would give an update before 2007 comes and goes. Christmas was alright, nothing too good to remember. I got a dog 2 weeks ago, and her name is Karma. She's part terrier and part whatever the SPCA misnamed her. She's a cutie though. I finally have the equipment to make a demo, so I will make a demo. That's my life in a nutshell.

sometimes I wonder if I'm one of those girls who annoys everyone that everyone pretends to like. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but sometimes I just have to wonder.

Nothing much is going on. I felt like I should update. My french is getting better. I am figuring out new concepts on my own and such. I'm going to a jazz concert on Thursday, and here's part of one of his songs in french: "Tu es mon seul amour – je ne demanderais à personne d’autre de rester Et de se retirer du monde avec moi."

I don't know why I am writing here. I assume that no one other than Rachel and strangers will read this, and I guess that that is comforting. Yes, I could make a private entry, but I need this to be somewhere where the possibility of people reading it exists. This past week has been horrible. I've been trying not to let things get to me, but they have. My mother has a disease. That can't be that bad. But she doesn't make her appointments, and the appointments she has, she cancels. She (still) drinks. Wednesday was a good though. I met with my friend at a café, and we studied French. Sitting there at a café drinking coffee, made me feel like someone else, which I guess is what I am and have been trying to achieve. My mother picked me up. She smelled of cheap Cabernet and cigarettes. The Cabernet seeped through her veins and pores, and it was the only thing I could smell. Thursday night, things just hit hard. I don't know if there was a particular reason, I've just been taking in all this information in the strangest far from lucid ways. I just laid in my living room thinking that I am not being who I am. I am not suppose to be the class president. That is made for the girls who shop at the most expensive stores and whose parents buy them cars. It is made for the group of people who have their circle of friends, the girls who come to school every day with the straight hair and manicured nails. The list goes on and on. But I am one of those girls who is meant to do drugs and be self-destructive, and plod around drunk on the weekends. A song started playing. It reminded me of a girl who is on the other side of the country. I never gave her my apology, and I am actually truly sorry. I wanted to call her and plea with her, and tell her how sorry I was. And then I realized, I should be who I am and be a coward. She deserves an apology, the most sincerest apology. After too much thought, I did something, and I became the girl who I always was. I felt exhilarated, and free from myself. I did feel somewhat crazed, but the reasoning prevailed as this is who I am. The next morning, I did the same thing. I felt like myself- My dark and twisted self. But it was somewhat relieving. Sitting in first period, the moments passed by frame by frame. My body chemistry had left me completely exhausted. My head was down. Next frame: Sara what's wrong? Faces around me. I didn't want them there. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I said. I only said it once, but my mind repeated it many times. I felt horrible, and then I felt fine, and then I felt exhilarated. Second period, just before I got there, it happened again. I was sitting there, I guess freaking out. In a way, I was the center of attention, and the questions just made me shrill with laughter. I told myself I was fine, but I think that only brought more laughter because I was far from it. At lunch, I told the truth to one person, the only person who knows the complete story. I don't know why i told her. I trust her, but I do trust other people too. I guess I felt like she was the one person that I could give the truth to and she wouldn't be shocked. She might realize how hypocritical I am, but she would not label me as that. French, that's when the sense of nauseau hit me. My head was spinning. I was dizzy. everything hurt. It was same with english, but my body chemistry was sofucked up. one second I would feel horrid, the other second I would be find. I called my boss, telling her I felt like I was going to vomit. "If you make yourself throw up, will you feel better?" That's what I got. I felt horrible because we had a table of fifty in the back, and I was backing out again. I realized that it is the restaurant business, and she could afford some angry workers, but could not afford cantagious illness spreading. I spent my whole night reading. I figured that i needed a break from the stress. Stress would make me worse. Reading made me feel like I was doing something good for myself for once. I felt like I was being filled up with something worth it. Today, I don't feel great, but I need to get myself where I used to be. I've been considering going running. I need to get out, it's beautiful today, and actually semi-warm. It's been in the fifties and today it is sixty nine degrees.

It's Friday. work = :( no more school = :) first quarter is over =:) things = :(

So a little update, My father was laid off. They told him that he could work until Mid November though. I think that's just fucked up. He's been looking for jobs and is planning to work out of state and travel home on the weekends. In essence, I do not want this to happen. My father is my best friend. He tells me that I need to be able to make sacrifices. However, my definition of sacrifice is different. To me, it's spending less, living on less money, or maybe moving. They belive my mom has a blood vessel disease. oh and she still drinks too much. My father has been confronting her about it lately, and she just says that he's the reason why she drinks. I don't know. Nothing definite. They want to send her to some expensive Duke doctor. Me? I'm doing okay. I've been getting unacceptable grades in french... I know it seems petty, but I don't accept 88's on quiz grades. I could ramble on more. but I won't

I want to run and hide. I want to quit. I feel as if everyone's eyes are on me, and I feel as if my behavior is ridiculous and that I should just grow up and live my life. I feel like I should run wild and forget about the rules and the appeasements. I feel like I should find my passion. Good is not good enough when excellence is possible. In eighth grade, that phrase was plastered over the wall, and it's left an every lasting impression... then again, what does perfection really accomplish? Nothing really... I don't know why I feel so inclined to rant and ramble, but these words of stupidity are being written so quickly that I don't have much time to even understand what I am thinking myself, and I don't even know if this will make sense. But I'm in one of those moods.. I don't care. I really don't care. I just want to sit there in the pouring rain. I hate the rain but I want to sit in it right now. I want it to wash everything away. However, the only that keeps me from doing it, is the knowledge that I know it will not do anything... it never does. I feel the electricity run though me, but in this case it isn't lighting, it's just my heart. I long the nights on the balcony, watching the stars or watching the current. I don't know if we were watching them, or if they were watching us. I long for starry nights and silence. I long for rest and energy. But most of all I long for conversation and maybe some closure. I want conversation. I want apologies. I want changes. I want reasoning. I want to know why. Why do you do what you do, why are you never around, and why are you gone, and why is it never enough? If it's killing you, why don't you let go? Is this how you want to live your life, more dead than alive? Do you want to live your life hanging off of glasses and second's worth of buzzes. What is it that I do that is so horrible? Why is it that I never do enough? How come I can try so hard but only get so far? How come I am so weak when it comes to confrontation? why do you hide from the problem? How come you hide it, if you belive it's not a problem? why don't you accept the truth? Why can't you accept reality? It's killing you. Physically and mentally. you're rotting away at the heart, the liver, and at your mind. You're killing yourself and you're killing me. You're afriad of death, but you're bringing yourself closer to it every day. You never change. You avoid the truth. You strategize, and you scheme. You deny. The irony of it all is that I'm probably in the most denial.

Today is the day that could define the future in so many ways. If the biopsy comes back positive, then my mom will be diagnosed with a tissue disease, which could lead to so many different things. Either she dies young, lives as a skelton popping pills or dies a slow painful death. Or perhaps, life will be the same. If she is not diagnosed, it means that we should living our lives as if we were going to die tomorrow. What would I accomplish if I wasn't afriad of failure and embarrassement? There would be so much.

Sometimes at the end of the day, I just want to be with the ones I love. Je finis.

Somewhere along life, I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to believe in the truth. I can not accept statement as the truth and I believe that I am being decieved. I sit here in my heels and a black dress, and suddenly it has occured to me that I am becoming a women, but is this who I want to be? Why do I feel like I am constantly being decieved? and will I ever be able to trust again? I don't think I'll start trusting again until I expect the truth, and let go of my high standards. I need to cope with myself. I think it's going to be me and my vogue for the rest of the afternoon. study french. go out for dinner. go to inductions.

we have our glances, and i wish we would just move on.

I don't know what to write, but it's not like I don't have anything to say. I have so many little things I need to write about-to get off my mind- but I don't know where to begin. Saturday, I got paid, and then went to a party. A friend's ex wife kept calling him the whole night saying that she misses him, and it was all bullshit. It really hit him hard though. Afterwards, we went to a bar, and everyone had a drink, excluding me, of course. And then I went home and just slept, it was lovely. Sunday Morning, I finished a movie. I had a nervous breakdown from my mom's insulin reaction. It's just something too hard to handle and it's so frustrating. And the whole time, all I can think of is that I wish I had a mother who would take care of herself and who wasn't passed out on the couch all the time. After the whole ordeal, I got invited to a friend's for dinner. Her neurotic dog bit me twice. The first time I was just petting it because it sat next to me practically begging me to pet it. I have a huge bit mark on my arm, which the owner shoved in the dog's face about an hour later. She kept saying to the dog "look at what you did to Sara", like a dog can tell blood from flesh, and an hour later. I mean dogs are smart, but people always give them much more credit. Well while the owner was "showing what the dog did to me" it bit me again. So I have two cuts from a neurotic dog, and then I find out that she doesn't even get the stupid ass beast vacinated. I truly believe that dogs reflect their owners. Well I met the parents of someone I go to school with, who is very small.. to put it nicely. His mom asked me millions of questions about him, and this is one of the guys who made fun of me so bad that made me cry a couple of times. she asked all about him, and I just smiled and said he was nice to everyone and not to worry about him, and that he had many friends. It turns out that she wants to hook me up with her older son who is quote unquote cute. Of course I'll give him a chance and I'll go out on a date with him, but what is up with all these mothers trying to set me up? What is it that moms see in me, that guys my age don't see? His mom is really sweet, but oddly enough, she kept referring to me as her "future-daughter-in-law". Well, I've rambled enough.

This will be my last rant of August. I am sitting here, slightly chilled. On the left of me, I hear gunshots, and screaming from the television set. On the right of me, water is pouring down and a breeze is drifting in from the sliding glass door. My mind is consumed with thoughts of what I should be doing, but when it comes down to it, I am doing nothing and I feel as if that is lovely. The rain and the wind is getting harder. Time to time my mind is full of the thoughts concerning student council. Typically It's the thought of "Oh God, what have I gotten myself into". I don't know what I'm doing this year. When I got into the car with my father, I asked why he wasn't at work. He said that my mother was sick and he had to come home. I hate that "sick" translates into "She drank too much and didn't take care of her blood sugar and had hypoglucimia". I hate that he is concealing the truth. And today, my mother was walking and stepped onto a piece of broken glass. My dad immediately said that this was what might eventually make her lose a leg. He doesn't quite understand how that makes me feel. It makes me feel like my mom is sick and disorder. What bothered me the most is my mom stumbled down the stairs on one leg just to smoke a cigarette. really, that's all I want to rant about. I have three tests tomorrow. and current event to do. je deteste les current events parcequ'ils ont tres tres tres stupid et une waste de time. hahahah. my french is amazing

I'm trying to be a good girl and manage my time, and even get ahead, instead of waiting for the last momment. I don't know why i made this friends only. I just kept having dreams that my mom read this. And I keep having this fear that even though I'm logged off, that firefox is wide open with all my published opinions. not that I say anything terrible, I think I just say things unexpected. I managed to put money in the bank this paycheck. that's absoultely lovely.

I don't know why it just hit me right now. Three wasted years, standing still As you opened up, 18 miles wide On this country drive I can't keep up 'cause you're so far gone And it's all too much hindsight Three wasted years, wasting time As the hunger pains grow inside it made me realize that I've wasted the last three years of my life feeling sorry for myself and just getting caught up in my emotions. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, and I am over all much more happy. I do stupid things like crying because I can't see him. But it hit me. I should be overjoyous that he loves me-that he once loved me. I should be grateful for the times we had, and etc. I feel like I should live today. and by living I mean running around, spinning in circles.. all the foolish things they do in the movies. ______________ I found an envelope in the mail today with my name on it. I immediately recognized my grandfather's handwriting. On the back of the envelope was a smiley face sticker. I opened the envelope and there was a check for $100 and a letter. The letter said "Sara, School will be starting soon and this will help on buying something for school. Papa loves you. Love, Papa". I am grateful, but this is just surprising to me, and so out of place. I feel bad when relatives send me money but I realize that they do it because they want to. He said to buy something for school, but I can't let myself buy anything materialistic. I'll put it in my savings for Europe. I think that's something he'd like me to do.

I had a feeling that something horrible was going to happen. nothing happened. I can't explain what that means, but inside my head that means a lot. All Monday I worked on student council stuff, piecing it all together. Tuesday was open house and I met all my teachers. It seems like this year will be an okay year-In fact, I'm sort of excited to begin. I have biology, Sociology/Psychology, French 2, and English. pretty simple. I got a haircut today... and that's my life in a nutshell right now. __ ehh.. I don't think I'll ever go to another concert in my whole entire lifetime. Ben Harper is coming to this small venue in my town, and I was going to buy tickets, and those stupid bastards add on these 8 dollar "convenience" fees, and etc. :( sorry... my little rant for today.

I'm seconds from throwing a fit. My parents are criticizing me for every little thing, and I'm just not in the mood for it. All I ever hear is them fighting and what I don't do. I'm just not in the mood of it. I got my schedule on Friday. I wanted to take two maths, but they screwed it up, but I'm not even going to bother fixing it. On friday I went to work and we got a notice that the water supply is contaminated with e coli. So the whole night we had to sell bottle water. Every restaurant got shut down, but ironically no one ever called my work to be shut down. Even the restaurant next to us closed. Later that night a mother ran up to me so excitedly and asked me to dance with her son. And then she added that I would have to ask him and not to tell him that she told me to. I eventually talked my way out of it. Last week a couple that always comes in tried to set me up with their son. I just wasn't interested. I don't know what's up with all these parents and their children. I feel like I'm wasting away my summer because I really haven't done anything and I only have a couple days left, and I'm still not doing anything. maybe I'll go to the lake today and just sit around.