I want to run and hide. I want to quit. I feel as if everyone's eyes are on me, and I feel as if my behavior is ridiculous and that I should just grow up and live my life. I feel like I should run wild and forget about the rules and the appeasements. I feel like I should find my passion. Good is not good enough when excellence is possible. In eighth grade, that phrase was plastered over the wall, and it's left an every lasting impression... then again, what does perfection really accomplish? Nothing really... I don't know why I feel so inclined to rant and ramble, but these words of stupidity are being written so quickly that I don't have much time to even understand what I am thinking myself, and I don't even know if this will make sense. But I'm in one of those moods.. I don't care. I really don't care. I just want to sit there in the pouring rain. I hate the rain but I want to sit in it right now. I want it to wash everything away. However, the only that keeps me from doing it, is the knowledge that I know it will not do anything... it never does. I feel the electricity run though me, but in this case it isn't lighting, it's just my heart. I long the nights on the balcony, watching the stars or watching the current. I don't know if we were watching them, or if they were watching us. I long for starry nights and silence. I long for rest and energy. But most of all I long for conversation and maybe some closure. I want conversation. I want apologies. I want changes. I want reasoning. I want to know why. Why do you do what you do, why are you never around, and why are you gone, and why is it never enough? If it's killing you, why don't you let go? Is this how you want to live your life, more dead than alive? Do you want to live your life hanging off of glasses and second's worth of buzzes. What is it that I do that is so horrible? Why is it that I never do enough? How come I can try so hard but only get so far? How come I am so weak when it comes to confrontation? why do you hide from the problem? How come you hide it, if you belive it's not a problem? why don't you accept the truth? Why can't you accept reality? It's killing you. Physically and mentally. you're rotting away at the heart, the liver, and at your mind. You're killing yourself and you're killing me. You're afriad of death, but you're bringing yourself closer to it every day. You never change. You avoid the truth. You strategize, and you scheme. You deny. The irony of it all is that I'm probably in the most denial.