this whole journal here depresses me. It makes me feel unproductive, and pitiful. Tonight me and marina just reflected on the past, but it felt good. We had some good laughs, and a few tears, and things just felt so right for the first time in awhile. so I made this public again. I deleted alot of my entries I wrote when it was friend's only, or I made them private because it talked about private things I didn't want just anyone to read. ______________________ I remember friday, I saw someone I haven't seen in about a year, and one of the questions he asked me is what do I plan on doing for a career. It seems too early to know what I really want to do, It seems to early to know the answers. When I sit in class, everyone talks about how they want to become a doctor or a vet, and I sit there clueless with what I want to do. I know those people who say they want to become a doctor, I know the majority of them don't have the willpower to become a doctor and most likely they won't, but at least they have an answer. I know that I've always wanted to become a writer, but I read what others write, and they write so beautiful ly compared to the words I have written. I also feel so cliche saying I want to be a writer. I've heard so many people say they want to be a writer, a novelist or a poet, and they say it with such confidence, but I sit here and I feel embarassed to say I want to write, with a huge lack of confidence. the confidence thing brings me to another topic. The person I saw friday also mentioned how he noticed that I have so much more confidence. I agreed with him. A year ago I was afraid to speak, and I was afriad of screwing up and saying the wrong things. Now I'd like to believe I'm fearless, but I know that's a load of shit. I just know that if I screw up, it's not the worst thing that could happen to me. Screwing up and moving on is just a part of what makes me who I am. I'll rant later, because beleive me, there's a lot of rant left in me.