I wish I could exlain exactly what I'm thinking, I wish the words would flow into this screen as quickly and as beautifully as they do in my head. Unfortunetly they don't, and what am I to do? Here I am struggling to write anything relavent to how I'm actually feeling, and what I actually want to explain. Lately, everyone has been feeling so depressed,and I desperately want to help them, but I can not find any words to say. I never can find any. At times I feel great, and then that feeling can quickly be replace, It's such a scary thing. The things that used to make me feel complete now leave me feeling empty. I used to be so happy just sitting with friends and now I feel as if I'm not good enough, and that I never was, and I feel like I'm constantly letting people down. I loathe that feeling, and I just wish it would go away, and I try everything I can to brush it off, but I'll try some more, and I'll carry on, I just won't let people see how weak I feel at times. There has been some petty drama going on, and I decided that if people are going to bitch about it and be upset about it in the first place, I'm just going to move on and I decided I don't need them. I had that attitude I have, but c'est le vie. I'm extremely angry now. Apart from being full of extreme hormones and feeling like my ovaries are going to bust open any second, I've been overly stressed with school, emotions and friends. I swear I'm the interior decorater from hell. Over the summer I planned on redecorating my bathroom. I got bored of it so I stopped working on it. With a bunch of hormonal inspiration I started working on it again. I finished painting the walls and I redid the cabinets this morning. The old towel rack was royally fucked so I started taking it down. One of the screw plates came out nicely but the other one was stuck so I started pulling on it. After I pulled on it, I could feel it coming loose, so I gave it a final pull and I managed to put a hole in the wall. I'm so frustrated because I was so close to finishing the bathroom. I guess all I have to do is patch it up, sand it down, and paint over it, but that is just taking more time then if I had just left the damn rack alone. I feel bad. I feel as if my friends don't want to talk to me about any of their problems. No one ever tells me anything, and It's not like I'm untrustworthy, or that I'm not empathetic. Everyone is just turning to someone else, and I'm jealous, I'll admit. I just feel so worthless at times, and I also feel like my friends don't need me, and I'm constantly feeling used. I know it's not right to create accusations based on my feelings, but I can not help how I feel. Everyone has someone to call when they're upset, and I honestly feel like I have no one to call, and I feel like I have no one to talk to who will not reply with that "I'm sorry" shit, because chances are they aren't. I'm constantly worrying about my mom. My dad says her diabetes is getting out of control and she'll probably lose a limb within the next 5 years, and she'll probably loose leg. That upsets me, I wish she'd take care of herself, and I wish she was aware how worried I am about her. Her drinking has also gotten out of control. The other night she asked me to take the recylcing bin out, and I couldn't the wine bottles she had emptied. She had emptied 7 bottles, in 7 days, and the next morning there was an empty bottle in the trash can because she doesn't want my family to take inventory of what she drinks. Last night she also finished 1 1/2 bottles and probably more. After a bad day yesterday, I came home to an empty house, and I crawled into a ball under my blanket and just sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't breath anymore. I'm so worried about my mom. her mom died at an early age, and I hate to say it but I feel like my mom will too. My mom has also had a nasty cough for over 2 weeks, and I hate to believe it but I'm worried that it could be cancer from smoking for almost 30 years. I know I shouldn't worry but I am. I feel as if I only have days left with her until she becomes terribley ill, and dies. and I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I try telling her, but she doesn't listen, she's too stubborn. I love her so much, and I can't afford to lose her, I just wish she'd stop drinking, and start taking care of herself.