So the entry I wrote this morning was just too negative, so I deleted it. It was a sucky entry, I was vague on so many topics, and so much more. So I think I'm going to write a real entry. and start explaining what's been going on lately. So after school friday there was a fight, a horrible fight. My bus had pulled out of the parking lot, and we were stopped as pulling out. In the parking lot across the street of my school, I could see there was lots of comotion. There was a kid being beaten, and then the people went away and got into a car. The guy ran over to the car, jumped onto the hood and then jumped on the windshield and smashed it, and left the hood dented. Four guys then got out of the car, pushed him into a pointed fence, and they kicked him and beat him until his face was raw. One of the guys that hit the victim is in my second period. He boasted about it today. I heard someone say to him, "You broke 3 of his ribs and your proud of that?" The guy who attacked the victim said "He deserved it, all of it". Not only did the boy have 3 broken ribs, he had his skull fractured. While the whole fight went on, people encourage them, and everyone on my bus was cheering them on. One girl exclaimed "that made my day". Those were my peers cheering them on, my generation. It really bugs me that my generation is a group of people who encourage violence and such when I just want to cry about it. it also bugs me how so many of my peers are throwing their lifes down the drain, I can't even begin to explain how much that hurts me. Things at school are just so blah. I used to be one of those girls who loved going to school, but I can't enjoy it anymore. I think the people are getting to me. My first period is good because we learn alot, which I like, but my second period is horrid. My teacher has no control over the class and all people do is make stupid jokes. I also don't get anything in that class. We take notes and do labs everyday. The words, theories, definitions are all laid out in front of me, but I just can't comprehand any of it. I just have no interest in learning any of the stuff. Gym is pretty good, actually. Now that we're done with the fitness testing, we've been doing games that you would have done in elementary school if you were stronger. We had a bunch of relays the other day, and one of them was you had to cary someone to the other side of the court and back, which was fun. There's these two girls in the class which I am friends with and that I talk to, but the bewilder me. They're so intelligent. I like being around them because they could talk about guys if they wanted to, but they don't, they talk about normal stuff without the guy problems which I like, because I'm tired of hearing about them, It's so cliche. Fourth period is driving me crazy. We've been working on our skirts, and I hate zippers. I have a deep immense hate for zippers that I can't even describe. They're impossible to put in. The technique I use works fine, but my teacher is making me do a different kind, and I really can't stand it. Things with my family have been strange. This week I possibly hurt my mom a bunch. I want to be a writer when I grow up, so I figure the best thing for me to do is write about everyting, and just write it and make a boring thing beautiful. Well I typed it on the computer, and printed it out. i then decided to make my friend a lunch because she never has lunch and things haven't been that great with her. I started to take a shower, but then I realized I left my papers down stairs. I put a towel on and walked into the kitchen where I left it, and the papers were in my mothers hands. I ripped them out of there and went up to the bathroom. Part of what I wrote was about my problems with my mom and her drinking and mental illness. It was nothing to cruel, but I wrote something about how I'm used to her drunked slurs and that how i feel never seems to have an opinion on her. I tried to take a shower, but I couldn't. My mind was racing. So i decided I had to talk to my mom and tell her how I feel. I come downstairs. "mom, how much did you read?" "Just a little" "I'm sorry for taking it out of your hands but I did't mean to leave it out" "for the five paragraphs i did read you swore alot" My mom said that, which I find really odd. She said she didn't read that much, but in the pages i wrote, I swore twice. "Mom, It's my own personal writing of my thoughts, I didn't think anyone would read it, so I don't care if I swear if it's my own reading for my eyes only" "Well you complain about people too much" See this is what I don't get, I complained about how I did earlier, about my problem with the violence and people accepting it. "Well I'm sorry mom, I can't talk to anyone about it, and that's why I asked you to send me to a pyschologist." I did ask her to send me to a pyschologist. I need some help, my mind just runs and runs and runs and never stops. There's always something wrong, and there's too much going on for me to handle. I just need someone to talk to, someone who won't judge me, someone I can be honest about with my feelings, someone that won't get hurt by my feelings. i need someone who can tell me why I do what I do, and how I can help myself. Friend are good, but they're not the same. I just want someone I can tell everything, and they can sit there and tell me that I'm okay, they can tell me why I do what I do, and such. "Well I don't see why it's such a big deal" Well of course she doesn't see why it's not a big deal. I'm not mad at her for reading it, I was the fool who left it out. It's not her fault for reading it. but the problem is, I spilled my heart out onto those pages, and all I hear about is how I complain too much. I do complain in my writing, because I don't need to write about the good things. You know I've been having alot of problems with people. I love them, but I like being alone alot. I have so many unresolved issues with people, but I don't work them out, I don't like creating more problems, but It is seriously hurting me. I'm tired of my friends changing their personalities, I'm tired of my friends drinking, I'm tired of my friends cutting class, I'm tired of my friends not caring about their education, I'm tired of my friends lying. I'm tired of not being able to spill my heart out. I'm tired of not being able to trust. I'm tired of being frustrated, tired, exhausted, stressed, worried. I'm tired of feeling like my brain doesn't function correctly. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of everyone, even myself, holding onto their past. I'm especially tired of everyone holding onto their bad habits. Isn't it a time for change? Isn't it time to be different? Isn't it time for all of us to show the best of ourselves, and grow up before we expect everyone else to? Isn't is time for us to grow out of our habits? Isn't is time for all of us to put effort into being a better person? I want to change, desperately. in fact, after writing all that I have, I feel great, amazing, and I'm feeling a epiphany. I'm trying to form my new year's resoultions and here we go. 1) be honest with people, not hold things back. 2) be more charitable 3) do more community service 4) Don't hurt myself, don't hold things back because I don't want to hurt someone 5) Don't put up with people's shit, infact I'm starting this one now, I'm tired of the shit. I'm going to be neutral with people as of this moment, not worry about what has happened in the past. When they first fuck up, I'm being honest. 6) don't let people walk over me 7) don't keep everything inside 8) spend more time with family 9) pursue a hobby, a good one. 10) become healthier. see, I'm one of those people who would rather perfect myself from the inside than on the outside, because that's possible.