I don't know why I am writing here. I assume that no one other than Rachel and strangers will read this, and I guess that that is comforting. Yes, I could make a private entry, but I need this to be somewhere where the possibility of people reading it exists. This past week has been horrible. I've been trying not to let things get to me, but they have. My mother has a disease. That can't be that bad. But she doesn't make her appointments, and the appointments she has, she cancels. She (still) drinks. Wednesday was a good though. I met with my friend at a café, and we studied French. Sitting there at a café drinking coffee, made me feel like someone else, which I guess is what I am and have been trying to achieve. My mother picked me up. She smelled of cheap Cabernet and cigarettes. The Cabernet seeped through her veins and pores, and it was the only thing I could smell. Thursday night, things just hit hard. I don't know if there was a particular reason, I've just been taking in all this information in the strangest far from lucid ways. I just laid in my living room thinking that I am not being who I am. I am not suppose to be the class president. That is made for the girls who shop at the most expensive stores and whose parents buy them cars. It is made for the group of people who have their circle of friends, the girls who come to school every day with the straight hair and manicured nails. The list goes on and on. But I am one of those girls who is meant to do drugs and be self-destructive, and plod around drunk on the weekends. A song started playing. It reminded me of a girl who is on the other side of the country. I never gave her my apology, and I am actually truly sorry. I wanted to call her and plea with her, and tell her how sorry I was. And then I realized, I should be who I am and be a coward. She deserves an apology, the most sincerest apology. After too much thought, I did something, and I became the girl who I always was. I felt exhilarated, and free from myself. I did feel somewhat crazed, but the reasoning prevailed as this is who I am. The next morning, I did the same thing. I felt like myself- My dark and twisted self. But it was somewhat relieving. Sitting in first period, the moments passed by frame by frame. My body chemistry had left me completely exhausted. My head was down. Next frame: Sara what's wrong? Faces around me. I didn't want them there. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I said. I only said it once, but my mind repeated it many times. I felt horrible, and then I felt fine, and then I felt exhilarated. Second period, just before I got there, it happened again. I was sitting there, I guess freaking out. In a way, I was the center of attention, and the questions just made me shrill with laughter. I told myself I was fine, but I think that only brought more laughter because I was far from it. At lunch, I told the truth to one person, the only person who knows the complete story. I don't know why i told her. I trust her, but I do trust other people too. I guess I felt like she was the one person that I could give the truth to and she wouldn't be shocked. She might realize how hypocritical I am, but she would not label me as that. French, that's when the sense of nauseau hit me. My head was spinning. I was dizzy. everything hurt. It was same with english, but my body chemistry was sofucked up. one second I would feel horrid, the other second I would be find. I called my boss, telling her I felt like I was going to vomit. "If you make yourself throw up, will you feel better?" That's what I got. I felt horrible because we had a table of fifty in the back, and I was backing out again. I realized that it is the restaurant business, and she could afford some angry workers, but could not afford cantagious illness spreading. I spent my whole night reading. I figured that i needed a break from the stress. Stress would make me worse. Reading made me feel like I was doing something good for myself for once. I felt like I was being filled up with something worth it. Today, I don't feel great, but I need to get myself where I used to be. I've been considering going running. I need to get out, it's beautiful today, and actually semi-warm. It's been in the fifties and today it is sixty nine degrees.