Well i hate myself for this... But I will describe the events last night anyways... Well last night was the 30 hour famine. We didn't eat for 30 hours and we slept over at the school. Everything started off normal. We played cards, listened to music and such. Before SAMJam started me and rach went to her house and we shared a smirnoff, she claims we got hammered. pfft my ass we got hammered anyways. When we were there we were looking for an aerosal can of some sort to hype us up a little. But we didn't find anything. We went back to the school adn into to watch SAMJam. I saw amanda sitting at the side of the auditorium she wasn't in the best mood cuz of a few people but thats a different story. We were sitting in there and Dirk came in and he was on ex. We were talking to him and went outside for a walk and down to the tennis court. We were having a conversation about drugs lmao interesting conversation eh? Anyways... he was smoking and for some reason i ahd the urge to ask for a cigarette. But i didn't. After he was done his smoke we went up to dasa janetta rachel and jason. I know jason smokes and he asked dirk for one. Again i felt the urge to try it. But i didn't yet again. Then Amanda went off with one of her friends which left me rachel jason and dirk and i said "i'd like to try a cigaretta" jason got a weird look on his face like one of those did you just ask that? looks. But he handed me his cigarette and then i thought of joey and i was like... err maybe later. About 10 minutes later dirk went back in to watch the show and me jason and rachel walked off. I told them i was scared that if joey found out if i smoked it would kill me. They said there was no way he would find out. So i was like okay, i'll do it. We walked around for a bit and eventually made it abck to the aprking lot. Rachel went off somewhere and me and jason met up with mike and jaymi. It was dark out now. We went back into SAMJam to watch our friends band, myth, play. Afterwards me and jason walked down to the tennis court and he lit the cigarette. He handed it to me and lit one for himself. The first puff of it i got this weird taste in my mouth but i tried it again and i was like... this isn't that bad. We sat down in the corner and just started talking. A few things came up and eventually jason tells me he still likes me. He also said that he would have never imagined being wiht me when i was smoking lol. Dear god i hate myself. I should have never had tried it. Jason and I realized how close we are. Although some serious shit has happened between us... that conversation down at the tennis courts showed me how good of a friend he is. He listened to everthing i had to say. I listened to him beacuse he was upset because dasa was mad at him but that again is another story. When we were done we went back up to the school about 10 minutes later i had a feeling like i wanted another one. I told jason and he went and got more. We went back down to the tennis courts and mike and jaymi saw me. I had a second one and jason told me he wasn't going to give me anymore. I hated myself even more after that. My mouth tasted like shit. And i wanted to kill myself. Interesting huh? After SAMJam we all went to set up our stuff in the gym... i brought my air matress and all of us kinda layed down on it. The night went on adn everyone was hungry except me and i was tired. The teachers called for all the people who needed a cigarette and took them outside. I went outside with jason and we walked over to amanda and zach. Zach had a cigarette and jason had some. Amanda tried it for the first time and then i took it. Amanda pointed at me and had a shocked look on her face. It was funny. Around 3:30 i went to bed. I woke up at 6:30 only to be surrounded by rachel jason soria alll passed out around me and mike and paddy and jaymi were standing over me. It took me about 3 minutes to realize where i was. Although i hated myself it was a good night. I just feel really guilty because i said and made a promise i would never smoke. I want to die