So I'm not sure what to write. I guess there is a first time for everything in this world. My moods have been really irregular lately but thats all understandable. The thing I worry about most is that I'm so irritable right now. And sad. I've been feeling really down lately. Sometimes I feel really lonely which I know is more my fault. If I were more ready to just go out with people, even if I didn't like some of the people who were going to be there or even if I was tired then I wouldn't feel so lonely. So it's my own fault and no one elses. I miss people. Yet I don't. I look at some events from the past with rose tinted glasses becuase I get so sick at focusing on negitive things. Looking at the past like that is stupid though and I shouldn't do it. I'm sick of hearing and reading about other people's sorrow. I have my own. I'm sick of studying depressing subject matter that pertains to how fucked up man really is. I can just watch the news and know that. I get sick of trying so hard at everything only to come up short. I know I'm short, all I have to do is stand next to someone else. I just sick of trying. I'm sick of calused remarks. I know I'm stupid compaired to you so don't treat me worse or feel the need to correct me all the time. I hate feeling like I'm retarded becuase I open my mouth and someone pats my head or says something in a sneering voice. I'm sure I do the same thing but I'm sick of it. Don't give me you're superior tone. You're not hot shit and you're just as stupid with other things. I'm sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of people not giving a damn about anyone but themselves. I'm sick of knowing that I'm always fucking wrong. I'm sick of being scared all the time about everything. I'm sick of not wanting to take chances with people. I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of trying to "find myself". I'm sick of my body. I'm sick of the fact that I can't juust eat what I want and not have to excersize, but instead can eat exactly what I'm suposed to walk 3 miles every day and still platue at a weight that is far to large for me. I'm sick of being talked down to. I'm just sick of a lot of stuff. I'm sick of people yet no one in perticular. Little things bother me but they're stupid to begin with. I really hate being stupid. I hate change yet I love it. I hate that espically. I just want to go to sleep. Not die, just sleep. Then I wouldn't have to try tom please people. Then I wouldn't let everyone down. Then I would stop letting me down. I need to figure out my life. Every time I try I'm just reminded of how inadiquite I am. Then there are times when I do somethign right and it's so short lived or over shadowed by somethign new and stupid that I've done. Or something ignorent I've said. I'm just sick of it all and trying to be in the middle of everything. I don't even know what to do. I don't know what to say befcuase almost everything I do or say someone corrects me about. It's been that way my whole life. I've always been the stupid one and I'm so tired of trying to prove it all false. I almost wanna give up but there's too much money invisted in this shit now. So I just keep trying and failing over and over again. Someone's always gonna be better at everything then me, and they'll always let me know about it.