feeling:hungry hearing: charmed. in my last entry i said there was two things i still wanted to talk about, but didn't have enought time. well i have lots of time now so im gonna talk about them. i'll talk about the first thing bc its easier to talk about and i'll end up having three paragraphs about it, bc when i bring it up i get so worked up and pissed off about it. okay, everyone knows i hate rachel banks, but i hate her even more when she trys fucking with my friends. on the last day of school shannon and her got into a big fight and they stopped talking..up until monday. monday rachels mom was at roxannes little sisters softball game, and roxanne was talking to her when all of a sudden rachel pulled up. she sat by roxanne. roxanne asked her how her summer was going and the usual you do with people that you dont hang out with when you see them in the summer. rachel said "im fine...hows shannon?" um despret much bitch. so i dunno im sure roxanne told rachel all there was to know that way it would feel like they were friends even for only that moment. rachel told roxanne she wanted to go see shannon at work. so rachel drove roxanne and herself to shannons work and they went in and rachel wanted to know it all. i guess they talked and that was that. shannon asked "well what are you guys doing tonight?" rachel goes i dunno drive roxanne back to the game..do you really think i would hang out with roxanne?" um i realize roxanne can be really annoying, but nobody deserves to be treated that way. that night when shannon came to kalins that was the first thing she said other then hey whats up. i told shannon to her face "the worst part about all this you'll go back to her" funny how she didn't respond to that. i always thought to myself...i would love to tell shannon rachel or me, but you know how fucking gay that sounds. i'll never forget when rachel told shannon "its me or all of them." we sat and laughed about it and how lame it was, but after what rachel said to me on the bus and her fucking other oh i mean only friend said to me. if shannon goes back to her im not sure what that means for us. i've always been cool to rachels face even after something like that, but really whats the point when i'd rather see her burn in hell? the bitch could die and it wouldn't make a difference in my life. i really don't know the point to all this i guess i just wrote it bc its the only way i can get shannon to sit and listen. i also realize that if shannon ends up hanging out with her it will be a lot more lies. im so sick of the secrets she keeps from me (or atleast it feels like theres a lot of secrets). is it really that fucking hard to talk to me? w/e another thing that bugs the hell out of me. when im really upset about something or i really need to talk to my friends and let them know how bad my lifes sucking that day they always bring the shit back to them and how they hate everything or they'll just sit there like w/e or change the subject. fuck you bitch i sit here and listen to all my friends problems all the time i don't complain not once. im always interested in what they have to say and i always try to help them fix the problem or atleast help them get through it. when its me though i get pushed aside and its all about them again. nobody wants to sit there and listen to how much i hate myself and how much i'd rather be dead then living right now. i hate everything about myself. i hate it all people can sit and make fun of me "shes just jealous bc she can't get any"-rachel banks, when really im sitting there thinking you know what you don't have to tell me twice. they think im really proud of myself? i hate myself and i've never actually sat there and told anyone that before. i sit and cry myself to sleep almost every night. im sick of feeling alone. i have friends yes, but sometimes even with them i feel alone and i feel like any day they are gonna leave me and i wont be anything. i hate myself for thinking that. i hate when people tell me i look nice. i just sit and twist there words, i sit and say to myself you know they don't have to tell my lies just so i feel better. i realize im nothing and eventually after high school i'll be alone. i don't like doing certain things bc i am embarrassed i feel like everyones looking at me and juding me all the time. i hate going to the mall even sometimes, bc ill see a really hot guy or a really pretty girl and they may have not even looked at me, but ill sit and think omg i wonder what they're thinking. out of all my friends they probally think im the last person that would care about what anyone thinks. when really i care more about what other people think then what i think. i hate being stupid i hate being tall i hate being fat, and i know i'll get one comment on this entry and it'll only be from julia saying how she loves me or w/e. i love you to julia, but really im just sitting here thinking something bad about myself as im reading that. she'll probally be the only one who reads this. i almost want my friends to read this. its my cry for help...