well, i doubt he'd read this, i don't even think he has one...so maybe i'm safe. if by some insane act of god he finds this, oh well. i gotta get it out anyway. i honestly don't know what's going on. he said it has nothing to do with me, and he just needs to deal with this on his own....but i can't help but feel it's going to affect me in a very unpleasant way. i think that when he comes out of this (if) he will have given up on every potential he promised me just weeks ago that we had. i'm so sorry if i cannot comprehend how someone's feelings change in the course of a week. a week where nothing significant happened to shock him one way or the other. it's not like we fought or something....sure i flipped him off when he walked away from me being the pain in the ass that he is...but all in good fun. i do believe that his current sulk has nothing to do with me, it very well could be whatever shit is going on at home.....but oh how i wish i could help....i want to help. ache to help. but he wont let me, and that's fine. i have accepted. what i can't accept is the idea that when that is over....so will "us". ha i'm such a dramaqueen, what "us" am i talking about? friends with fucking benefits. nono i made him change it to potential (i can be quite persuasive...). but still, it's not like he's about to go be more with some other girl...this is as far as he will go. maybe ever. or maybe i'm just not the girl that he aches to be so much more with. that is one of the things that hurts me the most. sometimes i do wonder....but really i think this is as close as he's going to let himself get. that hurts too, because he could be so much more....we could be so much more. i need to accept this, why the hell can i not accept this??? there is no us. the only us is what is in my head....what i wish we could be. no, what he promised me we could be. son of a bitch went back on that. and as soon as i tried to call him on it, i found myself apologizing for being so annoying about all this and being too clingy, etc. HA wtf am i apologizing for???? he should be down on his knees begging my forgiveness for how he's treated me. i still find myself apologizing yet....why? maybe it is my approach at the subject, i should be more gentle...but whenever i want to tell him something, i plan it, make it perfect in my head....of course all tha goes out the window the moment i see him. and i pretty much wing it--which is very dangerous. i tend to mix up the words and forget key details...like i'm NOT TALKING ABOUT BEING YOUR GIRLFRIEND or IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS, IM NOT JEALOUS. hahaha i always forget some important things like that....and he of course assumes the worst and says "i told you i dont want a girlfriend" and i have to get all defensive like nononono that's NOT what i meant. oy. by the way, when you kiss someone every day, hang out with them like good friends do (and that we are), care about them, and leave room for more feelings....that's a relationship. whether you wanna call it that or not. it is. it scares him, so i say nothing of this. but really....it's true is it not? why is this all i ever think about. it's a sickness. an obsession, yes. but i am a scorpio and a woman goddammit so i have rights. besides, my pride along with my heart, has been shattered to pieces so i think i deserve some bitterness and obsession out of all this. how do your feelings change after a year of on and off liking? actually i dont even know if there was an "off" involved. we never talked about it. the whole friends with benefits bullshit came up...holy shit...almost a year ago. obviously liked me back then. so how after ALL that we've been thru (me saying some of the stupidest things that could have possibly escaped my mouth--seriously, this shit should have been on tape. we could make millions.) to tell the truth, twas my first kiss. first love i guess you could say. the thing i hate most is when people say oh you're so young and naive, you don't know a thing you're talking about. HA. excuse me, but i do believe i have an old soul, no? it is what they tell me (they being every person i've ever met who was much older than me). so naive is not the word that suits me. i know full well what i'm doing and how i'm feeling, just like i am perfectly aware that my minor infatuation with my mini love affair is somewhat unhealthy. i've magnified everything so much in my head really....maybe we were nothing to begin with. sigh....i can't even remember what it feels like when he kisses me. yet the image of our first kiss replays. and replays......and replays. self torture. i've grown quite good at it. care for a spin? this is a long enough post that i honestly think no one is gonna read it. and that's fine. i need to vent. but i need to explain to whoever might read this (other than DAMN you were bored) there is quite a history he and i have. i have "liked" him for a year now. i believe he's liked me for that long...we flirted since then anyway...then a couple months later he did the whole friends with benefits talk. and me being my idiotic self...brushed it off like nothing. then we got to talking more, and hey wouldn't ya know, he liked me. had strong feelings for me as a matter of fact...but things faded. or at least i thought they did. a month or so after that "faded" i got freaked and brought it up again, said his feelings didnt change....then a few months later i tried to kiss him. missed... talked to him about it after that, he said we were friends nothing more. and that he had told me that before. BULLshit. i think i would remember that...but anyway, i thought it was over. like really over. he had no feelings for me, id never be able to face him again, i thought life was over. funny thing, we got over it because well it just hurt too damn much not to see and talk to him. i think i even deleted him from my myspace friends list....i sent him an apology email. idiot. but we moved on. then for whatever strange reason i still had it stuck in my head that he liked me (or could) and that there was a damn good chance. hey look at that, he did. a few months later, came over to my house....had a great time i might say. even tho i looked like SHIT because he surprised me...humiliation. but he didnt care. then went almost 2 months without seeing or talking (this was summer btw) except a fight in the middle of it. yet, he still came over again....and kissed me. isn't that a little bit too much effort/pining for it to dissipate in a simple week? oh yeah he came over two weeks after that.....a whole lot more kissing. where i also got brave and asked what "we" were. he said "friends with benefits" i said "no, i don't want the emotional detatchment, i don't want to become ancient history like any other girl you hooked up with, i want to be more than that" he said "you are, i really care about you" HA. i ate that up didnt i...i dont remember what else was said, but it was enough that i continued. and thought we were "together" (yep, we said that too. he agreed. and promised me he wouldn't get scared and runaway or give up too quickly. funny. he broke that promise) but here we are. we used to kiss goodbye everyday before 4th (way too routine for me, i hated the fact that it was so scheduled practically, but i tried to make other plans....he was always "busy"). then suddenly it stopped, and he's depressed. i hope to god i dont fade along with it. but i can't help but feel part of it is him wanting distance from me. what did i do wrong? i gave him space, i RARELY messaged him on myspace, only if it was relevant or if things seemed to be going well enough that it seemed ok. please please PLEASE let this be the dramaqueen in me and things will be back to normal when he gets better. (could i be any more selfish?) i want to help him. i hate seeing him sad, it makes me sad. corny i know, but it's true. he's really scaring me these days...i hate seeing him sad, especially to his extent. damn him and his self torture. you think im bad? holy shit...i miss him. not just oh i miss him kissing me and hugging me everyday. i miss him, who he used to be. i don't even know him anymore. so that is why i am.....in love and lonely. and if he is reading this... *********************** i say goodnight to you and leave you with this after all you've put me thorugh our kiss was just a kiss.