omg...omg.....OMG........oh my god.... i can't believe this is really happening to me. i swear to god WTF DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS????? oh my god i can barely breathe...i'm seriously gonna throw up. i gagged a few times, came really close to actually throwing up. oh my god i can't take this. i just...cannot...take this... i can't believe this is actually happening. i can't believe everything i've ever wanted in my life is just crashing down right before my eyes and i don't even know WHY!!!! because i have to 'figure it out.' i don't even have the slightest idea as to why everything i really wanted is gone. dead. a forgotten memory. oh my GOD i cannot believe the shock of it all is just now hitting me...i can't live like this...i need to get out of here. god i've never been this low before...it's scaring me...i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to be happy again. i deserve to be happy again. god what did i do??? i'm not a bad person...i mean sure i have my moments but in general i'm a fairly decent person. i mean if i saw the girl that i HATE crying, i would still feel bad for her....i wouldn't be like HA. i'm not a bad person...i don't deserve this much pain. and fine. i'm just a stupid idiot teenager, what do i know? none of these feelings could possibly be real. it's not like i'm excessively mature for my age or anything. it's not like i actually KNOW how i feel and know that this still sucks and is the most pain i have ever felt in my life. god i hate him so much...no i don't actually. i wish i did. i wish i were indifferent, because isn't that the real opposite of love? not hate...hate still has passion. i'd rather him hate me than be indifferent to me as he is now. at least then there would be passion and SOMETHING in his heart for me still. i wish i were indifferent...no longer giving a fuck what he thinks. or that i'm alone. i wish i were already on to someone else. someone better. i swear to god this is my destiny. i am meant to be alone. i mean really how many people have liked me in my lifetime? two??? oh big fuckin whoop. hopeless romanticism is completely wasted on me=the weak. the lonely. and the forgotten. seriously i cannot help but think i'm gonna die alone. it doesn't help that i already have this insane feeling that i'm going to die at a pretty young age...so like dying alone doesn't sound all that unrealistic to me. it sounds pretty likely. i cannot even fathom what's happening. things were fine...then *snap* i'm out of the picture? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING INSANE!!! someone please save me...get me out of here...this hell....somebody help me... wow i could really use a hug right now. ha. i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to be sad anymore... i may seem sullen but i want to be happy. sure i don't trust happiness (and with good reason ahem, look at what just came of me finally letting my guard down) please ignore my dramatics...today was just a really, really low day... i miss me. before i became this bitter person...i miss when i still had hope. when i still trusted people. somebody save me...