i can't even put it into words...bah...hurts too much....lol it seriously hurts to think in actual sentences...takes too much energy. but i will say this... i'm the most insecure and sensitive person on the planet when it comes to relationships and shit. nono "relationships" god i cant even have a real fucking relationship with someone, i have to pick the one guy who's so fucked up (supposedly) that he won't be with me...not more than friends with potential....why why why did i have to find him and fall in love with him? it's not fair. it's really not fair.... why am i wasting my life like this. oh god i dont even feel anything anymore...not enough pain to really cry...it actually hurts to cry. damn, havent had that problem in forever...i finally find someone who likes me for me, really likes me---probably the only person to ever have and that ever will---and he won't have a relationship. damn you sam for poisoning my mind....no it's not her fault. maybe she's right. maybe she's wrong. i'll never know until i try. and sure i'll end up hurt in the end, but i know i'd end up just as hurt if i never gave it a fighting chance right? well if some other guy came along that i could really like, THEN i'd move on. but like i said, seriously no one likes me. GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???? I THOUGHT I WAS A DECENT PERSON, NOT REALLY UGLY OR ANYTHING, SO WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME THAT NO ONE CAN BE WITH ME???? I. HATE. EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's the one i want. always has been...but i do know that when someone else comes along that i really like, it's easy to forget that. has happened before, unfortunately the inevitable happened....and....i was left alone again. i dont know...i'm just me and i dont give up. i obsess, yes. but especially when i know something is right, and could be great....why can't he see that? i can't stand back and watch him fall for some other girl....i can't. i have to see him every day of my life. it hurts too much. i will die. it nearly killed me when i thought he was with this one chick---he wasn't, but damn it looked like it. i can't put myself thru that again, i mean this would be of my own doing. he'd have every right to fall for another girl. what am i to do? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????? wow this is really personal. i hope no one reads it...maybe if i make it long enough...and write another entry soon after...no one will read it...hmmm... really, i was fine until sam poisoned my mind. once again it's not her fault. but i had it all planned out. sure he may never truly call it a relationship, and never be the public affection kinda guy....but i don't care. i never have, as long as i'm with him. it all doesn't matter to me, sure he doesn't compliment me often or anything--but maybe that's better. he's not the type to just dish out "you're so beautiful" at the drop of a hat (to use a friendly cliche) it makes it that much more special when he does say something sweet tho. like when he couldn't stop saying wow when i tried on that stupid bridesmaid's dress....that was genuine. haha he's the only guy who ever thought i was beautiful. at least to say it. hmm. what am i doing to myself. hahahahahaha anyone who reads this is gonna think im some insane skitzo stalker freak...i'm really not this bad normally. i'm just the kind of girl who gets thrown when she puts all her heart into something and doesnt get it in return i guess. *shrugs* such is my life. and i should be used to it by now. i just wish that if it were to never happen, that he would never have liked me. i wish we never had a chance in the first place, i certainly wouldn't have carried it on this far...a year. a fucking year. i hate it. i hate him--no i don't. i just want to. the anger is a great cloak for the pain. how am i supposed to just pick up and move on? i see him every day. i can't just move on from that...that's self torture. i know he cares about me, he said he did, and that's all i can go by. i'm not gonna listen to sam and her tell me that he doesn't like me when HELLO of course she doesn't want me to be with him she fucking hates him....and she hasn't spoken to him basically all semester. how the fuck would she know? haha sorry, anger. but can you blame me? i was basically attacked with harsh words so i'm spewing em right back on this. look, he said he had feelings for me, cared about me, wanted to be with me. that he just can't go down that road again of relationships because it caused him too much pain in the past....now who am i to punish him for that? i've been friends with him long enough to know it aint bullshit. he really is fucked up from his past pain....i just want to know that i'm first in line if he does want to be in a relationship again. i mean if he doesnt, well then what does it matter, i had some fun and i got to be with him. but if he does someday realize how incredibly adorable i can be (haha you can agree with me on this one just to make me feel better, i could use the self esteem boost) then i'll be there....he's not the type to pine for shit. he won't let himself. so if i end this, he'll force himself to get over it quick. he won't be with me again if i hurt him once, he won't let himself go thru that pain. so i can't let it go but should i? i probably should. but when i've made up my mind i've made it up--and i'm a fairly indecisive person so that's hard to do. love is blind. and maybe i am too. i'll see it eventually, if there is anything to see. so what if i end up hurt? im gonna end up hurt anyway....at least this way i can hold on to some hope. i don't want to end up old and bitter and alone. i'm 16, i'm too young to be this bitter. i have to hold on to the one thing that still gives me hope....i have to hold on to it. maybe i'm naive and immature for not letting go. but i don't give up, i'm stubborn...and i've come too far in this to give up. hell he told me we were friends nothing more then came back months later and kissed me....fuck that. i know something is there. we've always had something between us--as lame and stalkerish as that may sound. i know it's there, he knows it, anyone who sees him kiss me knows it. it aint over till it's over.