uggh i'm such a shit...wtf is wrong with me these days... when i'm alone i want someone, and when i'm with someone i can't help but think "see i'd be fine if i were alone again".... it's never anything against the guy... it's just a grass-is-greener concept, and i hate it. it's the same thing where i want what i can't have, so if i am being pursued 100% then...i'm flattered, but i tend to lose interest or maybe even take it for granted, but if i'm doing a good portion of the chasing, well then that's what keeps me interested. because i fight for things, i guess i like it that way? i dunno it's always what works for me. i didn't even reeeeally fall for brett till he pulled away in the last two weeks, then i thought "ooh maybe i love him" haha as if. he didn't deserve my love, and that's why i stand by my point that it was merely clouded judgement and being afraid of being lonely again, not necessarily him that i was afraid of losing. whatever guy i'm with needs to understand that i'm royally screwed up in the head and that while i don't like to do ALL the chasing (because i question how much they're interested, and i get really insecure that way), i hate being pursued 100% as well... if a guy pulls away once in a while, and really gives me a chance to miss him, then we're good. OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED MY GUM. UUUUGGGGGHHHH blech. that was unpleasant... so yeah, i need to like...keep my distance, hopefully caesre will keep his just a bit, enough to make me miss him. i like missing him, or anyone for that matter. but i like it when i can miss him, because it keeps me on my toes and keeps me interested. uggh WHY must i always want what i can't have??? oh well. at least i still really love talking to him, so i know it's not going to be too much of a problem. and i do miss him, since i don't get to see him that much (which is probably for the best, considerint my "condition" lol)... hopefully we'll get to hang out tomorrow? i think? yeah because after that it wouldn't be till at least wednesday or thursday MAYBE that i'd get to see him. thank god we talk on the phone all thee time though, which is kinda the way we really started to like eachother? (ha because in person it's more awkward and we don't talk about nearly as much as we do on zee phone) so yes. hopefully i will stop being such a shit, and just like someone when the like me, or not like them when they don't. end of story. i'm getting better. ...and i just found out how much sex brett has had with his new gf...i so never needed to hear that. it's so creepy...*cough*assholefortellingcaesreknowingfullwellhewouldtellme*cough*

lol i'm not that pissy aboot it. i'm just like....meh. stupid parents with their stupid friends coming over and yelling and nonsense and waking me up....must....kill.... haha so today is lame. sam's like totally ditching me to go to hollywood, and i'm not even gonna see caesre because we only do lame shit like go to the mall because we're lame. gah we need to find something better to do. but he doesn't drive. i don't drive. we live kinda far away from eachother (saugus---val verde). and he's scared to meet my parents. lameass. but yeah it sucks...i'm technically on thee phone with him now but he's not saying anything. he misses me. i miss him. we need to see eachother again....hehehe he just did the whiney voice when i joke about not seeing him for a long time....heh heh.... but it's fun to hang out. and we don't get to very often, we're on the phone every day though so that helps. errrrrmmmmm i need to see him..... i hate that we don't get to see eachother very often and then when we do it's like the mall. because we can't do anything else. we WILL find something else to do. dammit. oh well. i'm still happy. he still makes me smile :)

yay i'm happy... i got to spend the day with Caesre today, and it was fun :) i missed him. i actually had a chance to miss the boy, i like this feeling... he's the sweetest person ever, and well, he adores me so he can't be half bad right? heh just kidding. but really we had a great time. this boy.... --who doesn't kiss anyone because he sees it as far too personal and hasn't kissed anyone in like years.-- kisses me every chance he gets. i'm happy. aww i miss him, yay i love missing him. and it being a good thing, not like oh god so and so dumped me i miss them, but it's like i miss him, and he misses me too....aahhhh this is good. i'll write more later maybe. ooh but we saw ashley at the mall, which was nice, she's the first of my friends to see him since we've been together, it was kinda fun. finally someone can put a face to the name. the name that apparently IS spelled right but he's a poet so decided to change it. fool. caesar=caesre. hmmm i really wish i could read his journal, it's not like lj, it's an actual thing? ha i was surprised when he said he had one, and i guess after the other day he was totally floating because he kissed me and i kissed back, etc. oh my gOd it was adorable how happy he was. it was like a kid realizing he gets to have a thousand christmas' from now on. only his christmas was me *smiles* mmm i can't wait to see him again when it's NOT the damn mall. every single time i've seen him it's been at the mall to see a movie, and then we walk around back and forth and talk...blah. but neither of us drive so it causes a problem, and he lives in val verde so it's not like how with brett i could just walk over there and see him every couple days eeeasily. this is like meh. oh well, as long as i get to see him i don't think it really matters what we do? sigh. someone adores me. and thinks i'm special. and gave up his whole no-kissing, no-getting-attached, etc. rules for me and makes me smile all the time and i actually love kissing him about a thousand times more than i did with brett? haha that sounds mean, but it's true. there was always some kind of weird vibe when we kissed, with caesre it's just like the first time, which if any of you know what i'm talking about, you know that means good news for him :)

so um caesre kissed me. ha a few times. more like many... it was nice, the perfect kiss actually, we were in the movie joking around about something and he just pulled me into a kiss, it was great. i'm kinda meh about how i feel though. i mean i really liked kissing him, and i felt great because he doesn't kiss just anyone? in fact he hasn't really kissed someone in like at least 2 years...(he's very pretty woman about it. thinks kissing is too personal, so saves it for when it's special?...and he told me this before he liked me so it's not just a line) but i think he's gonna chicken out and be like um...let's not do that again, it's too awkward, i'm too much of a baby, and i'm all waaah about it and i don't wanna get hurt or some other lame excuse...i dunno. i just don't wanna deal with that? so i'm kind of avoiding. wow i cannot deal with this right now.... and i feel really nauseous(?) not because of the kiss, but because i ran all the way home from the bus stop...and then my feelings are all conflicted which is making my stomach turn on top of it. but it's mostly the running thing. so we kissed. and he's sweet. but he's a chicken. so it's going nowhere i'm sure. UGGGH.

I am so...apathetic...these days, it's not even funny... like i feel nothing. i mean a few days ago i was all bummed out but i have since decided it was pretty much hormonal. normally when i'm mad or annoyed i get all tense and i'm ready to punch a wall, but today i'm just like **breathes**...stuff bugs me but it doesn't. oh well. drink up baby...look at the stars...i'll kiss you again...between the bars... i just like that part of the song. i'm in a mellow mood, that's for sure. so the song seems appropriate. *sigh*...i am..so bloody conflicted...i'm...uggh...i just suck. someone i know really really cares about me, is crazy about me, and has only known me like 5 weeks, but i guess i'm just oh so wonderful that he fell for me (i'm not that conceited, i was being sarcastic, but hey it's what he tells me)...and i'm stupid and confused so i don't know what i feel. and i don't want to just jump into being with him to find out later that i don't feel that way--i don't want to hurt him...but i don't want to wait while trying to figure it out and realize that i DO like him and i lost my chance. uggh it's not fair. no matter what i do i always seem to make the wrong decision. and i'm the kind of person who wants what i can't have. so maybe it's just that i always think i made the wrong decision. blech. it's so much easier when these things just come to me (which i guess if you look at it this kinda did)....ignore me. i'm just being whiney. i seem to be doing that a lot lately. i don't like being a whiney person. yet it seems to be a part of me. i'm working on it though guys, don't worry. i'll stop eventually. and someday i might actually be pleasant to be around. hey i can dream right? i am a person who likes to weigh my options, because i haaate making the wrong decision (even though as i've said before, i always manage to do no matter what. or just think i did. so i might as well just go for it, but no that's not me) -so i could either jump right into something with the slightly unstable(by unstable i mean he's inconsistent...long story) but crazy-about-me boy, who writes amazing poetry, including a perfect poem about me, thinks the world of me and is such a sweetheart, and has seen more movies than i have. which if you know how much i love movies you know that's astounding. -or- -i could be single for a while...just see what comes along. but it's not like i'm expecting someone or something better to come along, i just don't want to regret anything? because i mean i've only been single for...5 weeks...ha. but i am sooo not on the rebound. i really don't give a shit about /loser/ anymore. i even forget we went out in the first place, everything seems like a long dream. oh well. i would never...EVER date someone just for the sake of making someone else jealous, because that's so unfair to that person i'm with...and it's funny, coz even though i know it would piss brett the fuck off, i don't really care what he thinks? or even if he knew at all, because it's none of his business and i really don't give a shit...hehe this is fun. picturing him pissed off doesn't even amuse me as much as it would have a month ago :) yay. hmmm sorry for anyone who's reading this that i'm basically taking you into the inner-workings of my mind. i obsess. and i overthink things. i just don't like being wrong. so here i go : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------------------------ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ read if you're interested, it's the sweetest thing, i just want to save it... it talks about a lot of things we talked about, so some of it might not make sense, but just know it means something... you are the debt of happiness, a debt i fear to pay. lover of violence, gummy worms, and dancing in the rain. a rain that doesn’t deserve you anymore than you deserve the pain of a thousand rain drops killing themselves and the sun ruining the day. you are the debt of happiness, the quintessential dream of a little boy whose hopes you've filled with serene ripe misery sweet suffering in the scent of a sea, forgotten and locked away, buried within the confines of your eyes forbidden praise. you are the debt of happiness, a kiss that cant be attained, a wish i would never have made myself, but I’d have blushed had it been gained. you're a smile torn into the skin and a face that’s etched in dreams a perfect little coma made of spider webs and screams. you are the debt of happiness, you're the anti obsolescence of a machine that triggers tooth aches and breaks my heart in sections. You hate the bitter taste of coffee, and you appreciate the sour you are the heathen, beautiful, drenched in April shower. you are the debt of happiness. so slay me while you can. out back by the boiler, disappointment in my hand. rape me of my dignity and break me down like walls, this stupid silly boy dares to feel what he shouldn't feel at all. you the are debt of happiness, what you've yet to understand is that the thing i fear to pay is you and you were never mine to gamble from the night that time began, four weeks ago when loneliness was nothing but a scam you got into my mind, and you reshaped who i am you are the debt of happiness and all i couldn’t hope for, so free me of this debt and of all I’ve been before.

Spring break was....a waste. my own fault i suppose, i mean my mom offered for us to go somewhere and do something for a few days...but i didn't really wanna go? and i still don't, i mean i don't want to waste my leaving-the-house privileges on a weekend with she who pisses me OFF. i love me mum, but after a while we really start to bug eachother...and i'm definitely getting to that age where i don't wanna be around my parents very much, so i just kind of seclude myself and hide in my room...which reminds me, i can't do that today. huge history essay. haven't even started. noice. luckily for me i'm the queen of procrastination, and the hardest thing for me to do will actually be finding my sources and just doing all that works cited shit...but the actual paper is a piece of cake. lemme spell it out for you. it's ME...writing a 5-page essay on Gay Rights. Double Spaced. Which really makes it like 2 1/2 pages. do you seeee how easy this will be for me? with how much i can ramble on here? let alone a topic i actually have a strong opinion on, yay. so yeah i just have to find 5 sources, only 2 can be website, and clearly i'm not going to be getting to the library anytime soon today, so i'm just gonna say i mostly used my website resources because books on the subject weren't very informative. what have i been doing all of my spring break you ask? well let me tell you. i've been playing kingdom hearts and staying up talking to the caesre (apparently like no one calls him by his real name, so i must find an alternative option. but anyway...) yep. that's how lame i am. but hey man i've gotten bloody FAR on kingdom hearts, i beat all the levels i couldn't beat before, and i opened up new worlds i've never seen before, yay for me :) and caesre or sid or scabs or whatever promised me he'd watch every episode of gilmore girls, he should have just kept it a surprise so i wouldn't be here giving him shit for it...hehe. (see, it was his own choice, i forced nothing.) i found a ramones tribute cd that has a lot of the non-hits, including my favorite song--"i wanna live". i'm disappointed though, the cover is a horrible version of it and i can't even appreciate the effort. oh well, i really dig the "we want the airwaves" cover and am listening to it now. ooh wait no. pat benatar now. yay. love is a battlefield...

Samantha Dahling and I (well, actually it was only me but i was kind enough to link her to the page) were looking up synonyms for "slut" on thesaurus.com. this was fun. Ok so my personal favorites were... bimbo, blower, broad, call girl, concubine, courtesan, derelict, drifter, fallen woman, floozy, gypsy, harlot, hooker, hostess, hussy, hustler, jezebel, loose woman, midnight cowboy, model, moll, nymphomaniac, painted woman, party girl, pickup, pink pants, pro, prostitute, scarlet woman, slut, streetwalker, strumpet, tart, tomato, tootsie, tramp, trollop, vagabond, vagrant, wanderer, white slave, whore, working girl

love the song i'm listening to, it's so pretty. especially the beginning. it's like some guitar then violin...and it sounds like a country song but it's not. it's just nice :) it's cloudy today. it's a good day. so i haven't been doing much of anything...ha...ever. some would say i have no life, but it's not like i terribly mind it. i mean i enjoy sitting at home watching a movie or two. it's not like i sit here in the dark thinking about loneliness...sometimes i like to have time to myself. in fact i've realized that i enjoy it a LOT...i mean there's not pressure to be pretty around myself, or to be doing something extravagant when i'm just around myself...it's nice not to worry about anything. at least not as much. haha my soap opera is finally getting good...at least in one of the storylines. my god they take forever to unfold, so most of the time i tune it out, but ethan and theresa are about to "make love" (that's what they say every time in the show) even though he's married, but he secretly loves theresa...and i think they actually will because the actress is pregnant in real life. so they're probably writing it into the show. heh i'm weird. haha caesre decided to watch every episode of gilmore girls, and was going to surprise me. he's stewpid and told me about it before he even got started. *shakes head* yeesh...oh well he's still doing it. he betta like it...lol. i'm feeling really conflicted about a few things. i can't explain. i don't know what i'm feeling and it's scaring me...part of me just wants to run away, and if i'm just now starting to feel that way about a few things, i can imagine that this will be a pattern in my future, and i don't want that to happen. i need to make sure i don't become one of those women who runs away from everything because she isn't entirely sure of it. but i don't know how i feel. so it's hard. gah...kill me...

So today i've been in a bit of a weird mood basically...kind of irritating actually. i don't like being in my depressed moods, i feel lonely and empty and broken all day. i just feel so...sigh...i don't know the word. alone, empty, pathetic, worthless, left-behind, whatever...who knows. i just feel a negative feeling, and that's the only way i can es-plain it. sam and i were supposed to go to amoeba tonight but my parents decided that "we're" cleaning...which means me. but since they said "we" i'm taking my sweet time, i mean it's not like i have a chance to do anything tonight anyway so fuck it... i hate how i have like no life. and the one chance i get to go do something i can't go. it's not like i go out every night and this time they want me to stay home, i'm ALWAYS home, and then my mom is like you need to get out of the house. so she takes me somewhere i don't want to be, when i'd rather stay the fuck home. but the one time i actually have somewhere i WANT to go, that is OUT of the house...she doesn't let me. GAAAH. sigh. so i guess i realized that i'm not totally over brett....apparently.... this is such a stupid feeling. he wasn't even that big of a fucking deal to me, and someone else mattered to me more than he ever did so why do i miss him? well luckily all i can remember of him are his annoying traits. like how stupid he looked when he would laugh drunk, or when he would say stupid shit, or use horrible grammar, or just be a stubborn pain in the ass....but i miss the affection. i want it again dammit. haha i sound like a broken record. this is all i ever say. that i miss the affection and i want it again. yeesh. they say every woman lives the kind of love life that she wants to, i think they might be right. because i mean shyeah i'm lonely right now and i don't want to be, but i'm not doing anything about it. because i know that i kinda enjoy having the freedom to sit at home and watch my movies, because they make me feel good, and i don't have to apologize for it. i love being by myself with the things i love to do, but i know i love having someone willing to share that with me more...it's hard for me to find someone to love me that's all. no one wants to get to know me enough to find out how great i can be. i dunno. i feel like giving up on bothering these days. i mean it's just so much effort to get shot down...i don't have the energy...

alright so let's see if there is anything of even remote interest to be talking about... well seeing as my last entry was 5 days ago...and pretty much all i wrote about were the lyrics to my song of thee moment...i have some catching up to do. hmm wednesday i hung out with the caesre and saw v for vendetta--a weird movie but still pretty damn good. then we were bored sitting outside the theatre afterwords so i called up samantha dahling and she paid us a visit at zee mall... after that we hung out and just like walked around and talked, twas fun. i thought caesre was totally bored because all we did was just sit and talk? but actually he thought i was bored with it all. that was funny. i had a good time, caesre is a cool dude. it's so cute because he thinks i'm like...fabulous. lol. his words not mine man. he thought i was really pretty and talkative and entertaining and fabulous, made me feel good to know someone felt that way about me. even if it's someone where we're obviously not going to like...do anything. it was just flattering. even though we don't like eachother like as more than friends, i just love hearing sweet things like how he notices the way i smile and shit. damn his observation-ness... (and i know it's not going anywhere because AHEM he had a date tonight with someone so i don't have to worry about him liking me as more than a friend, or vice versa) it was just a sweet thing and it made me feel better about the fact that apparently brett has been saying shit about me and making fun of me or whatever. when he's the one who dumped me, and told me i was one of his "favorites" or whatever because i was definitely the most "interesting and fascinating" person he's ever gone out with. lol i guess it really pissed him off that caesre went to see a movie with me. silly brett doesn't remember that he has forfeited all rights to give a shit about anything involving me or anyone else. stupid stupid boy. he's becoming a good pal, and it's cool. i need to have more guy friends anyway so this is neat-o. heh mebbe he can help me find a prospective boy for future enjoyment....ha i'm sick... it's kinda sad because he found sam to be a bit annoying. he said she has an attitude problem...which i guess is kinda true...like with me i let him put all these dorky hats on me, and i tried on his huge loser sunglasses and kept them on for a long period of time, because i don't mind looking like a dork sometimes? but sam put the sunglasses on like halfway then pulled them off. and she just sat there quietly, while i was really talkative. heh and he thinks i'm prettier. points for caesre. i did defend her that she was just shy and uncomfortable and she loosens up...but still i gotta admit i didn't mind him saying how great i was. i'm sorry i'm just soooo used to everyone saying how perfect sam is and how wonderful she is and how she should be a model and marcia marcia marcia....so for someone to finally see past the looks and actually notice me was nice. i'm going to enjoy it. so sue me. i just wish more people could see that special something in me, and notice the exact way i smile--and think it's cute. i want someone to find me fascinating and adorable and fabulous, and wanna be with me...i want someone to love me. DAMN MY PASSIONATE HEART----lol. that sounds dumb. but i just mean that when i'm with someone, i kinda let it engulf me into it, and i make it all of me...so i love having that feeling, and i want it back dammit. i ache to have that feeling, and to have someone engulfed in me like i had once before. sigh.... hey it's spring break. yay for me. oooh and i watched reservoir dogs today. i love that movie. steve buscemi is the shit.

November 9 Events: 1989 - Cold War: Communist-controlled East Germany opens checkpoints in the Berlin Wall allowing its citizens to freely travel to West Germany. 2004 - Halo 2, one of the most anticipated video games of all time, is released for the Xbox. 2005 - Suicide bombers attacked three hotels in Amman, Jordan, killing at least 56 people. (^i found that one interesting. that on jordan's birthday, there were suicide bombers in jordan. it's bad but i still find it odd...especially since news articles has the words JORDAN and SUICIDE BOMBERS and NOVEMBER 9 in big letters...so it stood out just a wee bit to me.) Births: 1913 - Hedy Lamarr, Austrian actress (d. 2000) 1973 - Nick Lachey (they didn't put it, for some weeeird reason he wasn't on the list, even though i double checked and it says he was born on november 9...and he's the only other one i've heard of so here he goes) Deaths: 1998 - Ursula Reit, German actress from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (b. 1914) ^(that was the only semi-interesting one.)

Drink up, baby, stay up all night. With the things you could do, You won't but you might. The potential you'll be, That you'll never see, The promises you'll only make. Drink up with me now, And forget all about The pressure of days. Do what I say, And I'll make you okay, And drive them away The images stuck in your head: People you've been before That you don't want around anymore— That push and shove and won't bend to your will. I’ll keep them still. Drink up, baby, look at the stars. I'll kiss you again Between the bars, Where i'm seeing you there, With your hands in the air, Waiting to finally be caught. Drink up one more time, And I'll make you mine. Keep you apart, Deep in my heart, Separate from the rest, Where I like you the best, And keep the things you forgot. The people you've been before That you don't want around anymore— That push and shove and won't bend to your will. I'll keep them still. i'm addicted to this song. it's so pretty. and depressing...but it's so nice.... i just wish it were a longer song. it's like 2 minutes and 21 seconds short. (ha not gonna say long because it's too short dammit) sam and i need to go to amoeba. in fact i'm willing to go amoeba with anyone who will go with me. i'm an amoeba slut. anyone wanna go? we'll make it a party. so this is my list of cds so far: Korn- Greatest Hits Neuroticfish- Gelb Elliott Smith- Either/Or Orgy- Candyass Lifehouse- Stanley Climbfall A Perfect Circle- Mer de Noms The Donnas- Spend the Night Stone Temple Pilots- Best of? Rob Zombie- Past, Present, Future... Ramones- (i don't know which one yet) Sarah McLachlan- (don't know yet)

dude i had like 4 or 5 dreams last night, and i remember portions of each. but the fact that i dreamed so much, and remember each one....is amazing to me... ok first i dreamed that i saw what caesre really looks like. haha. then that this kid in my history class who i thought liked me was kissing some other chick from my history class dammit i can't remember what i dreamt about brandon but i remember there was something then brett had new hair? it was really weird. even more fluffy on top and shaved on the sides. it was bad...and he added new pics to his page, deleting the shitty one that i enjoy because it is shitty. bastard. then i only remember the tail end of one of my dreams where my parents were walking around school, as i think other peoples' parents were too....but every friend that i introduced them to happened to be wearing pink. ally. you were wearing pink. mikael. you were wearing pink as well. then i remember talking to ally some more in the dream, and then hanging out with mikael in the rest of it. OOOH how could i forget? i dreamed that emily and i got into a fight. that was cool. like a bunch of my friends (people that i don't even normally hang out with at all, caleb was one of them, but in the dream they were my friends) were telling eachother about how that's her and she overheard them and then i tackled her. and choked. but then i felt bad by the end so i tried for us to be civil but she wouldn't have it. bitch... hahaha wow that was a lot of dreamness to have dontcha think? i think i had more about some of my other friends, but i'm almost positive the only friend i didn't dream about was sam. which is really weird....i dunno maybe i did and i don't remember it. but i've never had that much shit about so many people...twas odd.

stupid stupid boy. he should have known he couldn't crack me. Minnow McSwallow (5:17:43 PM): how can there be peace Minnow McSwallow (5:17:48 PM): if you are mocking us GrimDivinity666 (5:17:54 PM): i didn't necessarily say you were seawhores GrimDivinity666 (5:17:57 PM): i jsut said i rule the seawhores GrimDivinity666 (5:17:59 PM): period GrimDivinity666 (5:18:06 PM): didn't fully imply that you were one of them Minnow McSwallow (5:18:11 PM): grrrrr GrimDivinity666 (5:18:16 PM): hehehe Minnow McSwallow (5:19:19 PM): like when we attack the mainlands, in search of threats to the seahorse race, and we kill off a few of your people Minnow McSwallow (5:19:23 PM): we didnt mean to kill thme Minnow McSwallow (5:19:27 PM): they just got in the way GrimDivinity666 (5:19:42 PM): *withering stare* Minnow McSwallow (5:20:05 PM): and you can forget all about the seaweed gown Minnow McSwallow (5:20:28 PM): its all coconut bras and crape skirts for you Minnow McSwallow (5:20:29 PM): so ha Minnow McSwallow (5:20:31 PM): peasant GrimDivinity666 (5:20:48 PM): no problem, i'm not picky Minnow McSwallow (5:21:08 PM): -punchs wall- Minnow McSwallow (5:21:15 PM): nevermind Minnow McSwallow (5:21:18 PM): that was wrong Minnow McSwallow (5:21:20 PM): but still GrimDivinity666 (5:21:30 PM): but still i win Minnow McSwallow (5:21:31 PM): you will not go unpunished for this insult GrimDivinity666 (5:21:38 PM): it wasn't necessarily an insult to you GrimDivinity666 (5:21:43 PM): i think someone's being a wittle sensitive... Minnow McSwallow (5:22:24 PM): dont insult the king GrimDivinity666 (5:22:41 PM): i didn't insult the king, the king is taking everything way too personally Minnow McSwallow (5:22:42 PM): he will exile michael jackson and the only place left for him to go is the mainland GrimDivinity666 (5:23:31 PM): once again GrimDivinity666 (5:23:33 PM): i'm not picky Minnow McSwallow (5:24:03 PM): i'll be sure to send him up with some disease Minnow McSwallow (5:24:07 PM): and when you have no cure Minnow McSwallow (5:24:13 PM): you will come crying to us GrimDivinity666 (5:25:14 PM): eh we need to dissolve a bit of the population anyway Minnow McSwallow (5:25:34 PM): grrrrrr Minnow McSwallow (5:25:43 PM): we're sending brett up there Minnow McSwallow (5:25:51 PM): and all the racists Minnow McSwallow (5:25:54 PM): and you can deal with them GrimDivinity666 (5:28:09 PM): we like variety GrimDivinity666 (5:28:19 PM): besides, i have many torture devices i've been meaning to break in Minnow McSwallow (5:28:52 PM): then we will attack you Minnow McSwallow (5:28:56 PM): and be all bush about it Minnow McSwallow (5:29:03 PM): for crimes against humanity Minnow McSwallow (5:29:21 PM): we can torture them ourselves thankyouverymuch Minnow McSwallow (5:29:24 PM): duh GrimDivinity666 (5:29:43 PM): go ahead GrimDivinity666 (5:29:45 PM): i'll enjoy the show Minnow McSwallow (5:30:32 PM): we are allying with cuba Minnow McSwallow (5:30:52 PM): and were gonna export cigars Minnow McSwallow (5:30:57 PM): to children Minnow McSwallow (5:31:00 PM): in your land GrimDivinity666 (5:31:26 PM): i always thought you might as well start while they're young GrimDivinity666 (5:31:30 PM): thanks for taking another task off my list Minnow McSwallow (5:32:23 PM): YOU WIN!!!! Minnow McSwallow (5:32:28 PM): ughhh GrimDivinity666 (5:32:47 PM): hehehe GrimDivinity666 (5:32:54 PM): you should have known that you can't crack me

i watched that today, and it's all i could think of for a title. things are getting confusing...they're kinda fun though. i'm actually getting that thrill of liking someone then pursuing them...i love it. i'm the kinda person who loves/hates the chase. i hate the energy it uses and it always takes so much effort that i start to lose faith in myself...but really i'm not into it if i'm not chasing the guy. when someone is pursuing me i tend to lose interest, i don't mean to. i just notice that that is my pattern. i mean with brett the ball was totally in my court for the entire thing, but then he started to pull away by the last two weeks, and suddenly i "loved" him. no i didn't, i was just getting really fuckin territorial all of a sudden. actually i don't know whether or not i loved him. maybe i did, for a little while. but as soon as i saw how much of a shit he turned into right after everything was over then it started to fade. but the point is....i love being chased for a while...but at some point there has to be a little bit of chasing on my part...on SOME level. or else it's just no fun. the problem with this is that guys love to chase too. damn. but anyways....i'm getting that thing again and i like it. i'm actually into a couple people just a little bit, and it's fun to feel the feelings grow and develop. i miss that. i haven't had that in...a year and a half. damn. hahaha sick i spent waaaaay too much time chasing after the same guy, which did pay off in the end for me...for a bit. but now i think i'll never get over him. not entirely (stupid first love. it's such a bitch.) but sadly, i think it's more likely that i'll get over him than we'll get back together...do the math and that is a very depressing little thought. but that's beside the point. i found one maybe two people that are prospects...and i'm curious...and investigating them in my own little way that i do...and here i go to chase. yay. now i just gotta work my charm and magic on them...ha. with what little i have. wish me luck.

i keep feeling like spinning and dancing away...as if no one else is around...that's all i want to do. it's all i feel...just to twirl... everytime i try to put a pencil to paper i just want to draw a woman in a flowing dress twirling freely....because that's all i feel like doing. and lemme tell ya it's not an easy thing to draw....i just feel like drawing the people i want to be... women who are happy and dancing and flying and twirling and free... i want to be these people....these people who are so content with their lives there is nothing left to do BUT dance... i want to feel happiness again. i want to feel love again. i'm not so "i'll never love again"...but more like i'll never find someone to love ME again. i have plenty of faith in my ability to care for another, but as far as some guy seeing something wonderful in me...? seeing something in me that makes him want to be around me forever and want to be with me and love me? that seems impossible...i can't imagine someone seeing anything special about me. there's nothing special about me...i mean sure i've got some personality...but i talk too much and i obsess and i'm annoying after a small period of time. i am turning into a very "small doses" kind of person...nothing worth loving...i just wanna feel love and passion and all those things i've ever wanted out of life. it's just...so....hard for me to imagine someone finding me wonderful. i don't honestly believe that i'll find my someone again. i need the companionship---nono scratch that. i want it. but i'm not so desperate that i'd just leap into the arms of any boy who would ever possibly find me interesting....i'm not that bad. but is it so wrong to want to be loved?? to want someone to hold me and tell me they think i'm beautiful (ha.) and that they find me amazing? i need to stop looking for it. i'm ok with being single....i mean i'm a fucking hermit for christs sake...i love sitting at home and doing whatever.....i'm ok with being alone. but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who would either do those things with me or take me somewhere where i could be social and completely unhermit-like. because i enjoy both worlds...it's just less scary when i have someone there to hold my hand through it.... really i'm fine with being single. who needs the pressure and the drama... it's just a nice feeling. for someone who's spent a large part of their life feeling really insecure and shut out from the world...feeling so obsolete...it's nice to be loved. i want to be loved more than anything in the world....i know it sounds foolish and naive. but i'm not a naive person by nature, i just see the happiness two people can share and i want it for me...i'm selfish that way i suppose. but the boys aren't exactly lining up at my door so excuse me if you think i'm being melodramatic by thinking i'm not going to find much love in my life. yes i'm only 16. but gaaah i cannot picture my life continuing after 24...it creeps me the fuck out i honestly think i'm going to die young...so there isn't much time. and i need to seize the day. CARPE DIEM!!!!! i need life. i have spirit. just no one wants to get to know me enough to see that part of me...and sadly this outlook is what makes me more of a hermit, which ironically is what keeps people from getting to know me. vicious cycle i know. i'm scared....scared of being hurt...and scared of being alone. more the alone thing. god you have no idea how freaked out i am about staying single forever...i think i'm more afraid of that than death. hell that's probably WHY i'm so afraid of death. i'm afraid of dying before i've lived my life...had my love...etc. i feel like crying all of a sudden. and this started out as such a happy entry...but i don't know. i don't know what i think anymore. all i know is that i'm afraid. afraid of being alone forever. of never being really loved. yes i know it's only fucking high school and i'm not talking about people in the past. i'm not hurt by my past, only the absence of a future.

i have no idea who said that, but whoever did is so right...heh. hmmm. seems my obsessive nature is really getting on peoples' nerves...can't say i blame them. it would bother the fuck out of me too. sorry guys. i don't mean to obsess and draw things out waaaay past their expiration date....i just...i dunno. i think it just takes me a long time to really deal with things and get them sorted out in my head to where i'm content with the situation (goes with me being extremely indecisive). so i'm sorry i've been a shit. i just...obsess. but i'm working on it. OOOH his veins burned GASOLIIIIIINE!!!.......sam understands. it's a part in a song that i feel the need to blast because his voice sounds really nice when he sings it. so there. but anyway. i'm really fine, about the recent shit that's happened....it doesn't even bother me anymore. i know i'm sure as hell not hurt by it anymore (that lasted for like a day. i mean look who it was. and look who it was for. eww. why waste my time...) but yeah i'm good. i'm getting better. and i'm starting to realize that there is REALLY a horrible selection in this world, so i'm doing ok being single now.... in fact i kinda enjoy the freedom. i forgot how much i like just sitting at home and enjoying my time to myself...yes i'm a hermit of sorts...but i like it. and i get to enjoy that time, without feeling worried about someone else and what they're doing, and looking perfect for them, and being around them. eh who needs the pressure. yay i'm actually ok with being single. it's nice to just be able to get to know myself more....before i have to deal with someone else. haha we'll see how long this feeling lasts.

i'm doing fine. thinking of them being together doesn't make me sad. in fact. i laugh at it really. i just shrug my shoulders and it doesn't really bother me. in fact i almost forget that we were even together in the first place...it's quite amusing you see. i mean now i can just think about how he cheated on me then left me for someone who is (i'm not normally this snobby, but me thinks i have rights in this case) no where near as good as me. heh. nono seriously even people who know her have begged the question "why the hell would he leave you for her?? you're so much better"....heh. makes me feel good ok? but really this is what people have said. i don't make this shit up. i'm not that mean. but now i also know that he has some serious issues (he told me the real reason he broke up with me was because he thought i was trying to 'change him'....when all i did was ask him not to get piss drunk every weekend and smoke like a chimney in front of me. yep. that's a real bitch move on my part. glad he got out while he could.)....and whether or not his new relationship with this emily person lasts doesn't matter to me. because he doesn't mean shit to me anymore. it doesn't even hurt to picture them together. i just laugh. and think about how i'm better than both of them. and i'm going to be happy again, whether alone or with a someone...i'm going to be happy. and he can just fucking deal with his life going through girlfriend after girlfriend. or if by some chance he stays with the emily slut, well then by all means. he can enjoy his life with her. because i don't care. heh. i keep laughing. this is fun. it's a nice feeling to be ok with being single. now all i can picture is how he got on my fucking nerves. yay. but it would be nice to have someone again. at least i'm ok with it not being him :) ~ sing the nothingness love the sorrow it brings kill the heartbroken hearts of those who once loved the sorrow we sing. ~

you just click the little things that you think describe me....takes no time at all... good things about me: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Jordan+Murphy bad things about me: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Jordan+Murphy

BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be appreciated. They do everything with quality and are devoted and loyal friends and employers/employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to are their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and will give freely of themselves in order to nurture others lives. BLUES, however, do need to be understood. They have distinct preferences and occasionally the somewhat controlling (but always fair) personality of a confident leader. Their code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as remembering special life events (i.e., birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, nurturing, and can also be self-righteous, a bit worry-prone, and emotionally intense. They are like sainted pit-bulls who never let go of something once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere, make an effort to truly understand them, and truly appreciate them. What Color Are You? brought to you by Quizilla