Blech don’t you hate it when you have a lot of weird dreams and it totally tweaks you out for the rest of the day? Oh fine, well maybe that’s just me. It’s weird, for once my dreams had (that I can remember) nothing to do with my usual issues. Normally I have very good or very bad dreams about certain circumstances in my life, but for once this was nothing like that. Lol I just explained my dreams and realized how incredibly odd they really were…and I feel no need to put anyone else through that sort of torture--so i erased it. Just know that I’m a pretty messed up chick. Mwahaha. Wow…oh WOW oh shit shit shit….god DAMMIT….ah man I just remembered... aaaahh…..I have homework. Like, shit…a research paper that was due like a month or two ago but I should still do it because it may salvage my A, and then the journals for that class…and then the book report for that class…and then of course I have a math assignment but was not paying attention when he explained how to DO it so that should be fun figuring it out. Then of course I have art…but what else is new? Stupid Gapper I swear to god…I have no idea what I’m gonna do. But I’m gonna kill her, she still gave me a D and is grading me on the ap scale, when she KNOWS I dropped down to the 2-D art level because I was falling behind and couldn’t meet the requirements of the ap art schedule…but what does she do?? Completely disregard that, and still is grading me on that scale when that is the whole goddamn reason I dropped down in the first place. In ap art, we are supposed to have 12 strong works of art by the end of the semester, but since I dropped to 2-D, I only need half that. But guess what, I have 6. Already have the 6 I need…and have a few more weeks to create more pieces. Yet I have a D+. What. A. Bitch. I hate the politics of it all, I have to be all sweet and nice but she’s thick-headed and doesn’t quite understand how incredibly unfair it is to give me a fucking D when by the curriculum of 2-D I should have a B at the lowest. So I’m going to raise my voice, she’ll get impatient, lower my grade because she hates me…and then all is lost. Uggh no matter what I do I’m gonna get grounded for this grade. This is not fucking fair. Sigh. ^rant.^ I need to get out of here, I can’t handle all thee stresses of life, you see. And then of course my parents are oblivious to all that angers their precious daughter--but I plan to keep them oblivious. I learned not too long ago, that keeping my parents in the dark about personal and internal shit is a VERY smart thing to do. They don’t understand, and would continue to nag me about this and that or ask questions when CLEARLY I don’t want to answer them--that’s why I’ve been keeping most of my life a secret in the first place. To avoid questions, judgments, and even them being aware of what goes on in my head. I plan to keep that to myself and not let anyone understand me. I’m happy with being alone. I’ve discovered that. I don’t want to really exist at this point, so shutting myself out from the world sounds fantastic…I just want to kind of drift through life until it may someday get better (wishful thinking). God nothing is worth effort anymore it seems. The last thing I put real effort into, fighting for it, basically threw it in my face and is now moving on with its life. I give up. I don’t have any passion anymore…I was such a strong person, so passionate, willful…now I just don’t even care. Honestly, nothing is worth it anymore, I’m just sick of wasting my time. Need to move forward…no past…forget about everything. I wish this wasn’t high school, then when someone hurts you or pisses you off…you don’t have to face them every. single. day. You could just find other things to keep you occupied and get on with your life. No pining, no anger, no hurt…nothing. Sanctuary. Ok enough of my melodrama, I’ve finally gotten started on my room. Almost. Ok well I got started thinking about it and therefore got my mutha started thinking about it…if I keep it clean (ha. More wishful thinking there…) then we can paint it and start really moving stuff around and fix it up the way I want. I can’t wait till my room actually feels like MY room. It’s awful right now…I don’t feel comfortable in there, just like I’m sleeping there temporarily until my life gets better. It’s just…eew. It’s yellow, I have a bunkbed, very tiny, it’s always messy (great for my fervent and ever-growing claustrophobia), and there are stupid things everywhere. Things that I decorated it with in 7th grade. Puke. I can’t wait to make it somewhere that I can escape to…rather than a place I’m trapped in…save me. :(