today was yet another bad day....however it could have been much worse. you can still tell that we're somewhat fighting, i mean we're barely talking....but at least we are talking. it's better than him being actively angry with me. so hey beggers can't be choosers, and i am perfectly happy with him speaking to me at least. means he cooled off a little bit. i hope pete was right...that it's just a fight. nothing permanent. i mean honestly, there are relationships where the people fight like every other day but they don't break up. the problem is we weren't even in a relationship to begin with...not like officially....although he sure did act like it when i got a little jealous of certain people. MAN i never knew how much he cared about my trust in him, but now i know, and now i shall be very careful before making any accusations. yeesh i learned my lesson. but yes, dear god please let this blow over eventually (preferably just in time for him to spend the day with me on my birthday, as that is all that i want). i dunno, he just always manages to make these things seem so final...but he has before, and it got better...circumstances just manage to elevate over time. so we'll see. but he should at least put this aside on my fucking birthday...i mean i would for him...because you can't take something like that back, ignoring someone on their birthday. bah. oh well, once again, i guess we'll find out. yes i'm obsessive, it's just the way i am. i can't help it. i'm just so...afraid...of this ending. it's really difficult for me to accept the potential of it being over...especially since i don't even really know why. i just know that one day suddenly he was infuriated with me and i don't know what i did. he won't tell me. like if we got into a random arguement and it was a big scene and then yeah i could understand us being mad at eachother and it being a fight....but he's mad at me for something i'm completely oblivious to. sounds like final to me. sigh...i just don't know. i keep reminding myself that yes, he did promise me he would come back to me. that he just needed to deal with this. he's right...i guess i don't trust him, well...it's not him that i don't trust. i don't trust myself, and that i won't say or do something incredibly stupid to blow it (ahem as apparently i did without even being aware of it)....and i don't trust his feelings for me. but how can i? he never gave me a reason to trust him, that kind of trust is earned....not just appeared from thin air. i don't know what he wants from me. obviously the trust thing was a big issue, but he needs to understand that i don't trust anyone easily. i want to trust him more than anyone in the world, but he has to earn it, and prove to me that his feelings are real....i'm sorry i didn't trust his motives before. now i know he really did care about me, but too late i guess. what's a girl to do? i'm sorry that didn't believe him before when he said he cared about me...i'm just so insecure i find it hard to fathom that someone that perfect for me could actually like me back...now i know he was being genuine, and not falling for another girl, and now i'll do anything to gain his trust in me back. i just want things to go back to the way they were, and now that i know he truly has feelings for me....or at least he did. he promised he'd come back to me, and when i said that i was gonna walk away sad he said that meant i didn't trust that he would come back to me. so i guess he is? he better be the bigger person and be normal on my birthday. he's the only person i want to spend the day with, and the only person who won't be there.... please excuse me while i cry myself to sleep. lol i'm so emo. this weekend i get to stay home and clean up the house as well as my room. i would like to explain to my mother that i'm depressed and all i want to do is stay in bed until November 9th...then i'll get up to see if whatshisface is being the nice guy he seems to think himself. but in order to explain to her that i'm depressed--because she simply will not take me being "just depressed" she wants a valid reason--i would have to basically have to explain everything. and that's my personal life, something i want to keep VERY seperate from my parents' minds. i don't want to tell her about it, especially since she will not understand the concept of friends with benefits, and that i know him better than him being your typical asshole who would be using me....she can not comprehend....i wish they would just leave me alone and let me wallow in my room. alone. not being nagged. but to say "i'm depressed" they know i don't have depression (or so they think they know) and are positive that i must have a valid reason...and certainly i can't be truly depressed if i'm not willing to explain it to them. nice logic guys. because i don't want them to know everything about my personal life, it must not be a good enough reason to be depressed, so i have to clean. god i wish they would just understand i do NOT want to talk to them, i want to be left alone. GO AWAY!!!!! bah sam's pissed coz of certain things. things that shan't be mentioned. i'm sorry....i really am...i have a migraine now, with my nagging mother, and i honestly am not up to the mall anyway. or anything for that matter....i just want to crawl in bed and sleep. and it's 6.17. i'm gonna go to bed that early on a friday night. yes. i was originally willing to put this shit aside and go to the mall with her and other people but now that i have the headache and my MOTHER making it worse by being around and hovering and asking questions....it really drained all my energy...i'm sorry dude. but i'm in misery....and i need to be away from the world. i didn't even want to go to school today. but i had to. aw shit i have to make up a math test. bah. lol 3 days late. nice one. oh goodie now sam and i are fighting too. yay. WTF EVER. she's mad at me because she thinks i don't care about her situation??? i do care! and i've been talking about it. and i'm sorry if whatshisface came up in the conversation but SHE brought him up first "well i was always willing to hang out with you and him when you were all lfjkasdflkjd about being near him" first of all, we hung out twice. once me and him, once with her there. so that's not exactly always. and i did too care, i was talking to her about it, it's not my fault that she brought him up. but i was willing to hang out and then im sorry but my shit mood is hitting me again on top of a headache. and she never seemed to give much of a fuck when i was depressed about him in the past. she just says "get over it" oh thank you, that helps. that makes me feel better, and now i'm REALLY gonna help you with your own whatshisface. jesus christ....she's being so hypocritical...honestly...i'm depressed about this, yeah i know it's kind of taking over my mind but gee im still somewhat in shock and this shit takes time which she OBVIOUSLY does not understand. but suddenly because yeah i'm being a bit selfish but i'm DEPRESSED i don't give a fuck about her situation???? FINE. BE THAT WAY. i do care, and i was trying to help, and i was even talking to him for you AND going to call him for you because you refuse. but no no i don't care at all about your feelings right? i mean you tell me to get over it when i'm depressed about him and clearly don't understand how important this whole thing was to me, but go on....call me the bitch. fine. hypocrite. she's doing the same thing to me, at least i do care about her situation. she doesn't care nor has she ever about my issue. and im not asking her to drop hers, i'm not even asking her to talk about it with me because i know she's a bit preoccupied and that's fine, i just want her to..i dunno..NOT bitch me out and tell me to just get over it. at least be fucking neutral thankyouverymuch. and with that... goodnight.