I'm addicted to that song man....seriously...what am i gonna do? but pat benatar is right. as she usually is.... oh now it's ramones. i wanna live. nice. favorite song. bitchin. well hmm....today was better. definitely better. at least, once again, he's not actively angry with me. so we're making progress. he said he's not really that mad at me anymore, he's kinda over it. (excuse me but kinda? haha i'm not reading too much into that or anything) i feel bad, people actually take the time to read my journals....i don't read anyone elses. well. i do if it's interesting to me. but nah im lazy. i'll read sam's because we have basically the same thought process so i laugh my ass off the whole time. like yep i coulda written that too.... yeah so 2 days. the countdown begins. birthday in two days. and i have exactly that long to make him remember why he had feelings for me before, (long story, sam understands the logic...shit i hope she does....god dammit woman you'd better!). it's a birhtday thing. only person i wanna spend it with mais il est furieux a moi. therefore he won't want to spend the day with me. therefore looks like somewhat of a bleak sweet 16. logic. i gots it. mmhmm. dunno....i just don't know....i'm getting over it. i am. i can feel it. it's hard as fuck, but it's getting a little better. and some day i'll be fine. *sigh* lol. and i continue to ramble on like an idiot... i don't even know what i'm saying at this point...i just don't feel like doing much of anything these days. seems easier to stay in bed and sleep. just two more days....and then spice cake! woooo.... i shall bring some to school for my friends... assuming there is any left. ha. shit my parents are getting me something but i had no idea what i wanted so i just said um perfume. so i'm getting perfume for my birthday....i really don't care about gifts but i hate wasting oppurtunities. like i could get something REALLY good. but since i can't think of anything, i'm getting....perfume. just seems like a waste of a perfectly good present when it's something i could just as easily buy myself. and not have to wait 2 days for. GRR. i hate this. this birthday already sucks. none of this is anyone's fault but my own, but it still sucks. i have no party basically no present (because i couldn't think of what i wanted) no guy to spend it with (that is an accomplishment i will have fun topping next year, i wasn't even AWARE of doing it...but somehow i pulled it off...nice.) and it's my "sweet 16" it just seems like such a waste....not fair....birthdays are supposed to be nice. not like...sad....or anything in that general category. i mean is it bad that i just want to sleep on my birthday? not like i have anything better to do. i just want to be left alone.... tomorrow's even worse. it's the anticipation of my birthday. yay. god everything just seems like such a waste!! a waste of time, waste of presents yes, waste of existance....what else.... i'm just a waste. everything is a waste... sigh. looks like it's gonna be another early night tonight. i don't like being conscious of my existance these days. goodnight.