I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, crying because I'm reading song lyrics by some of my favorite bands. And I realize that all of this is MY fault. I'm the reason that I'm so alone, and I'M the reason its killing me inside. Last year did I have to start liking cody? Or listen to the stupid shit he said? I didn't HAVE to sit on his lap on the bus ride home did I? I didn't have to sit with ANY of them. The truth is I just wanted to feel like somebody cared. And when I was with John, Dan, and Cody I felt like I mattered. And now it doesn't matter at all. Why? Cody's like in love with my cousin. John is just a friend, and Dan doesn't talk to me anymore. I mean its absolutley freggin great right? And I've tried for so long to blame them, to make it THEIR fault, but the truth is its mine. Sometimes I swear that I just want people to make myself happy and to satisy me, not because I like them. Even thought I know its a lie, because I fall for guys so fast, so hard I don't even know what hits me. Its like they're just there, every minutes. Its retarded I know, but I don't even think I can help it. I feel so alone lately. I know I have my friends, Michelle, Erin, Stefania. Those three help the most, cheer me up, and make school go by so I do'nt cry every single minute. Then on the other hand I don't think they really understand what I'm feeling. But there again its my fault. I don't tell them, because its too hard to explain, and the words won't come off my tongue. I get close and I back out. I hate myself for that so much. The loneliness is the thing that is tearing me apart though. I want somebody there who will just hold me. That will truely care about me for who I really am. Not the person they want me to be. I dont think I'll EVER be the person you want me to be. Is it strange that almost everynight before I go to bed I cry? I don't know the difference between my fake smiles and my real ones anymore. They all blend together. I want so many things of myself. To be pretty. To be loved. To have somebody notice me. To be able to say that somebody really loves me. Maybe I'm just selfish. And I know thats it, and there are no excuses. And I've been praying that with skiing it will all get better. Because everything goes away on the slopes, and you can say whatever you want, and its so much easier to say the hard things on the lift. But then I remember that the source of all of this started with skiing. and I wonder if it will be better at all. I know I'm a whine baby. I need to shut up now.