Okay so this weekend was off the fuckin hinges. no joke. sooooo on friday we had a party at tara's kinda. no alcohol or drugs though because her parents were home and grr it would have been so easy! anyway, it was like me, evan, tara, lauren, josh, matt, jacob, harmony, scott and uhh...bruce! first we just kinda chilled and once we got in the jacuzzi shit started goin down. evan and i just cuddled and stuff upstairs after the jacuzzi because he wasn't feeling good still and they were having a dance party. then it was just jacob, me, evan, harmony, scott, matt and tara. well matt and tara went downstairs and harmony and scott had sex on the bed about like 10 feet away and it was really funny because the bed makes a LOT of noise so evan and i just kept laughing but we had another one of those talks because i'm dumb and i ruin nights a lot. but then my mom took him to brandon's and me home because i didn't feel like staying the night at tara's. on saturday i had to wake up early to go film for stewart. evan still wasn't feeling good and neither was i. amanda came too. she played the drums and i played bass and it was a lot of fun but then it started raining. amanda, tara and i went downtown and got soaked but still had fun and ate at the busy bee. i started feeling worse but i was so excited for the show that i didn't let it bother me too much. when we got in line for the show i found out that action action was playing too! omg i was excited. so i got a shirt that says "Hit Me" and has a fist on the front and says the sounds on the back and then action action played. they were really cool. i had never been to a show with music like this and it was the most fun i'd ever had a t one. plus i saw SOO many people i knew. next was morningwood. ahh she's my hero! chantal claret is way fuckin cool. i got to grind almost with her and then i was right there when she made out with that chick and omg it was really cool cuz i was in the front and she's so cool and ahh! then the sounds! eee they were so great! a lot of underwear was thrown on the stage and it was fun. i love it when the performers do things and the security at ventura theater gets all pissed and tells them to stop. it's funny. because they really don't listen or care. then max took us home and i went CRAZY! some girl stepped on my foot with high heels. who wears high heels to a show? seriously. i also got some mysterious bruise thing on my ankle. on sunday i was sick all day and slept for the most part. my mom let evan in my room when he came to pick up his backpack. i got really mad because i looked so gross. i stayed home from school monday and evan came over at like 1 and we watched pulp fiction. then he left and uhh yeah. i saw him today and i saw his new snake. i'm waiting for it to be 9 so i can call him. grr. but yeah. i wanna get better. friday is the rocky horror picture show! i'm so excited! expect pictures in this diary or my other one because jenna and i are gonna go drag and ahh it's gonna be fun!

anphetamines. fun at first. ew after the fun. the dance was fun. i wanted evan though. i danced with like 2 1/2 boys. i didn't really dance with dwight, just behind him when marissa did. and nate-well idk if he counted either. things suck with my mom. and my dad. and some of my friends. but everything's really great with my boyfriend. i love him! anyway. my back hurts. good night.

my boy is the bestest in the entire worldddd. he makes me smileee.

no more double doses of soma for lauren during school. k?

owahihjtsadhtorß® i'm in lust with a boy!!!

broke up with drew last wednesday. went out for 3 weeks, 1 day. longest relationship yet. i'maslut. i'm gonna go now.

my boy likes me. and i like him. and i'm going to keep him. and he'll go to the zoo with me. and his friends want to meet me. and hang out with me. and abby doesn't hate me for anything. and i'm glad. and i'm worried about marissa. and i want her to talk to me. and i wonder what tara's doing today. and i wonder why drew hasn't called me yet. [haha he's probably still asleep after staying up so late] and i love my mommy for trusting me and talking to me and i was on the phone with drew for 4 hours last night and i liked it even if we weren't talking i wanted him with me though and he would have come but it was late and my mom wouldn't like that nor my dad i need to study shit

first day of school deserves a new entry right? fuck no, but i'm bored out of my mind so figured i'd write. i cannot believe how fast this summer went. like woah. hmm so what all did i do?? i went to san fran + oregon...i did the merit thing...i went to michigan...i went to the fair 3 times...i went to hurrican harbor + magic mountain...i went to santa barbara...i got drunk for the first time over at keshara's...i fell in love how many times?...i went camping with my girls...i had a lot of half naked experiences...i only made out with two boys i believe...wait.yeah...it was a cool summer. i thought it would be better though. hmm so school. it's dumb. better than foothill though. i can't even believe i went there last year. but now i've got friends from both schools and i really miss some of my foothill friends. i hope we stay close. chemistry and history are so stupid. i have like nobody. and tara's in english, band + algebra 2 with me. and then danielle's in dance with me. dude i wish i was still sleeping but my aunt had to call and wake me up. how lame. i hate when she's dumb. i just wish she'd stop. leave me alone for one fucking minute. [edit] p.s. i didn't see her or him or him one time today. i'm hoping it stays that way forever.

my mom is being a major bitch. i hate it. ok. friday: stuck in traffic driving in rob's sister laura's car with rachel. it was fun. we listened to music and sang along and just, she's such an awesome person. then she gave me a ride to the theater where i met marissa and we saw charlie and the chocolate factory. mmhm. i didn't like it that much. i came home and uhh...i don't remember. saturday: saw charlie + the chocolate factory again with amanda and tara because i promised i would. i liked it this time. (FUCK MY FINGER HURTS) then i went to isaac's and chilled with the boys. it was ok. then i went home to get ready to go to stewart's party. tara's mom picked me up and we almost hit this other lady's car. i knew tara and marissa had an awful time but i was wonderful. they're too dependent on their boyfriends i think. anyway, there's this guy evan, he's really cute. he sent me a message on myspace after i requested for him to be my friend. aw. it was so cool chilling on the trampoline with the guys, even if jacob was there. i had a lot of fun, i love hanging out with guys because they're so laidback. then we left around 12 and sorta pulled a prank on the guys. we "left" but my mom wasn't there yet so we went through the side and were eavesdropping, they were talking about how slutty this one girl was, and then we heard my mom pull up so marissa threw a brick or something and we ran. it was great because i heard one of them go like "oh shit!" yeah. i also sprained my index finger on the trampoline when i was raping stewart. it's purple and swollen and hurts like a motherfucker. today was the concert. i was late to rehearsal, traffic+food. i really did a shitty job but all these random people came up to me telling me how good i was. i was like..umm...sure! One lady, who also plays the clarinet and never practices, even said she wanted to go home and practice so she could sound like me. Jocelyn is so supportive of me. She even gave me a present and a card. I gave Jeffrey Barker a hug because he was my favorite mentor and he was just the coolest. Shane West was like looking at me, probably because i did a shitty job. Sooooo. I can't type with the right fingers because of my finger. And it was really hard to play earlier. Which I think made it worse. yay for fake sympathy!

[beware: switching into band nerd mode] so the last 2 weeks have been me going to the merit program, working my ass off trying to perfect these pieces, especially the mozart quintet, and coming home to sleep a lot. but seriously, this whole thing is making me such a better player and i'm so shocked at how little time it's been and how much i've improved. i'm actually wanting to spend time working on these pieces and i'm excited to perform them. [normal mode] i haven't been as stressed out as i was last week. last week i was being extremely bitchy, especially to marissa and amanda on monday. but part of it was from my parents, now i'm just okay. tonight i have a concert, they're always fun. hmm well i don't feel like writing so i'll get back to y'all later. p.s. i hope he comes tonight.

free devo cds with the band members' autographs make me smile. johnny's so cool but whenever i see him i always get embarassed because i remember that time when i was little-r and he heard me belting out b*witched songs. wow. Reading old diary entries on a "secret" diary that isn't sitD makes me realize how depressed I was this year. And how it feels like it's coming back. I'm too scared to ask for therapy again, and I don't want a NEW therapist. I want my old therapist. I don't want to have to explain everything all over again. And I don't want to listen to my mom talk to the new therapist on the phone, tell them secrets I thought she didn't know. Tell them lies, because she honestly doesn't know the truth or me. I need more eyeliner. More more more. I need to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Tomorrow I am staying home. With my phone turned off. Well maybe not off. But I will not answer if you call. Unless unless you are that special boy whom i would love to have call me but it ain't gonna happen so whatever I am going to watch movies, practice, read and catch up on stuff I need to get done. we fight too much. it's usually with me too. never amanda and marissa. or amanda and tara. or tara and marissa. always me and one of them. because i'm so awful like that. if you're that boy from magic mountain who was wearing the white shirt and saw three girls in line for riddler's revenge and also for scream and you are reading this, comment! haha how pitiful. guys are really gross sometimes. seriously. i got so fucking sick of them all "dayumn" and shit. just shut your fucking mouths dumbass(es). and those total losers in line for deja vu. damn. what the hell was their problem? could that guy not pay attention to the people he was with? no. he had to listen to all of our conversations and join in. plus he was smoking and like...that's just rude when you're around people who can't get away from you. asshole. magic mountain used to be my absolute favorite place to be. but now. now i'm not sure of that. not at all. because all i wanted to do while i was there, was run. by myself. i didn't want to be with anyone, and it's not like i could get away from anyone so it sucked. oh man. make it all go away. make me stop thinking about him. i don't even like him. it was a long time ago. he hurt me. twice. i shouldn't like him. everyone hates him. ♥

oh man it's happening again the tears are coming not stopping and all i can do is look in the mirror hate what i see go online hate what i read and relive every moment i hated. so basically i need help but nobody could possibly help maybe my friends could if they started acting more like friends. (don't worry brooke or keshara, i don't mean you guys.) i need to take a shower. seriously. since i woke up at 4:30 this morning, we skipped showers and just left. so i feel extremely gross. and it shows. ooooh my god this is the absolute worst.

tonight was a lot of fun. i don't necessarily like army of freshmen, especially the lead singer's voice but they really connect with the crowd. so i had a lot of fun. i hate her so much. i do. i wish they weren't so fucking obsessed with themselves. you + me baby ain't nothin but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel. yeah sooo. today i slept til 3. i really woke up at like 11 but i got into (another) fight with my mom so all i wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep. which left me feeling extremely guilty when amanda called and asked if i was going to tara's. because i didn't want to. and now i'm not going to see tara for a whole month. skylar is a dumbfuck. he got a mohawk. it looks dumb. oh well. at least he isn't my boyfriend. i'm confused. what am i to do? don't ask further questions, i don't feel like letting you in on who i like if you don't already know. i died/cut my hair. mmm so the kjee summer round up was more fun than all my other days. hot hot heat=amazing.sexual.hott. on monday john + i went to the movie.you know what went down. obviously not me. he asked me out+ i said no. then i met amanda.marissa.tara. and we saw the sisterhood of the traveling pants. then we sat around waiting for pizza. off to my house where we sat on the kitchen floor.talked.pigged out.played i never. tara left and i slept on the floor while marissa+amanda shared my bed. even though i don't think marissa ever went to sleep. i hate hate hate how they don't tell me anything. i mean, i suppose it isn't any of my business, but still. on tuesday night i believe we had a sleepover. the boys came over, isaac.shaun.marc.curtis. and we were outnumbered until amanda came. 4 tacos were consumed by yours truly. isaac only beat me by 2. loser. i was so antisocial. i sat alone. curtis tried talking to me i guess but i wasn't listening. so then i watched muppet treasure island. the boys left. we raided the kitchen. watched robin hood. (with the foxes) cuddling.spooning.sleep. i woke up to the sounds of aladdin.went back to sleep.woke up.left. wednesday night i was basically grounded. barnes+noble and sansai. with the units. thursday um. marissa's house.amanda's house. i'm such a home wrecker. i can't remember what else. friday we went to the mall.me.tara.amanda. california.pizza.kitchen.+seeing.charly=yum josh graves was there + he hung out with us. we had to go so byebye lovurrrs. home.no dinner.underground. basically i chilled with reid/charly/josh/brooke/amanda/drew. good guys/mall parking lot/gas station/"look at that ash"/thunder boys/arm hickeys/couch orgasms/cuddling/hugs=my night drew is way cool. seriously. i love that kid. reid=boy of my dreams. grrr. i hate ojai. so far yet so close. tomorrow/today is father's day. whoop.dee.doo. this means my friends will be spending "quality time" with their dads at breakfast+brunch+lunch+dinner and i will be stuck at home.all day.yelled at.saying i'm good for nothing.(true)being told to read my fucking english honors book.oh yes and then of course the ojai band. ojai damn ojai. oh god there's this guy at the ojai band and he really freaks me out. he looks at me. and says "how's it goin?" and looks at me some more. and then i walk away. last night i watched how to deal and i cried. it's so cute. i love that movie. jordan called. i missed her call. then aim was fucked up so i couldn't talk to her. oh well. i want a sleepover next week. her+me+marissa+amanda=a night of tremendous fun and extreme dancing and wonderful pictures and hott sex. sleeping outside is a definite must. i'm done. this is way too long.

ok so no more school. no more foothill. no more hassle. thank the god that i don't believe in. except my mom found out about last friday. i'm not grounded or anything though so i'm very excited. and tomorrow is the concert. woahhhh two max's are gonna be riding with me...crazy. Amanda's brother + the other max...and REID and amanda of course. It's gonna rock. My parents are amazingly cool. hmmm...what else is new.... not much. i got a c on the geometry final. an a on the biology final. i don't know about my english grade...maybe i'll look at that... i'm gonna be like 4th chair in band. this sucks. a lot. yesterday i went to tara's for a pool party type thing...it was fun. bruce + i played extreme air hockey. that kid's really cool. we took polaroids. then i went to keshara's + finally met amanda. i had fun at her house, even though all i could think about was how pissed my parents were. which they weren't i guess. and tonight is matt's party. even though i REALLY want to go to the show at the underground. oh well.

ok sooo. i don't remember anything...uhmm... last weekend was the band trip. disneyland was a blast! oh my i don't feel like going into detail at all... on sunday i didn't go to sbys & i sorta broke down (AGAIN.) I made my mom cry. I'm horrible. So i cried. And it was awful. Monday: Went to school. Don't remember anything. Came home & went back out for a walk to the park with my camera. I had a lot of fun and the cutest boy ever said hi to me. Old guys are so gross and perverted and horny. Yuck. My voice was gone because I left it at Disneyland. Some guys almost killed Marissa's neighbor so there were all these cops patrolling the neighborhood & Marissa called telling me to come to her house because she was worried about me being all alone out there. So I did. Tuesday: Amanda and I went to see Devon and I felt very self-conscious and gross. I wish I wasn't me. Wednesday: I went to Fresh Choice with Tara and Amanda and her brother and dad. Her brother and me= brother & sister fights. They're awesome. Oh my gosh I laughed so hard I was crying and I had the worst pains in my stomach from it. Tara doesn't know what a welder is. Don't tell her. She's pretty stupid though, she COULD go look it up in a dictionary. Whatever. "That's what you get for licking my corn muffin." HAHahahah. oh my gosh. Today: Waiting for my brother. I wish I could go to the play. So bad. Tomorrow is the concert. The next day I might go to Magic Mountain. I made it into the MERIT program. I cried. I smiled & laughed so hard my face hurt. what am i missing???

and so another week goes by where i don't update. bummer. on monday i think...i went to best buy. bought from first to last (YUMM!), anberlin & the rocky horror picture show. on tuesday i had an audition & it fucking drove me insane. hmm...well. i was sylvia plath...on a day i can't remember. like wednesday i think. on thursday i hung out with keshara & becca (2 really awesome people!) after school & we walked to my house & then buena where i hung out with marissa & skylar. and brooke & justine were there. then skylar and i went to mcdonalds. mmhmm. yuck. on friday...i don't remember school but after that i went to marissa's house until tara picked us up to go to the harbor where we went to the harbor hatter and bought awesome sunglasses: we had wonderful sushi!!!!! oh my god it was to die for. we played ddr & embarassed ourselves because we really can't play. then skylar came & marissa left & him, me & tara walked to the beach. it was so much fun, but i ditched them and just sat in the sand. then we joined again & went in the water & it was a lot of fun. tara came over (i didn't allow skylar to) and we danced and sang to old music...like from the 90s. lol. on saturday my mom & i went to k-mart & this guy said i looked like elton john with my glasses. then we went to salzer's & i bought my bloody valentine, the beautiful mistake, bangs & weezer. i love salzer's. they're really friendly in there. i got a new bra! it's pink and cute & alex & shaun don't like it. haha. then we went to chipotle after returning the rented video. dude it was my first time there and it was like woah. yum to the max. (i'm such a loser) then i came home & put some of my new cds onto my ipod and went to tara's. (I always go to tara's on saturday nights.) it was so much fun. amanda wasn't there tho. :( i almost kicked the shit out of tara's brother (alex) and his friend (shaun) because they were being so fucking stupid. but we danced in the garage & had a rave to ATC and umm...dude it was just a lot of fun. we were going insane. then skylar came & brought my birthday present. haha. he got me a vibrator!!! i don't think i will ever let my mom see that...it's glow in the dark...and it's HUGE! he also got me the boa & this shot glass thing. lol. we sat and talked about how to insert female condoms & how amanda's going to get tss since she uses deodorized tampons and yeah. then skylar left. we were all really tired. so we went into the kitchen and raided the pantry & then we went upstairs and threw a whole bunch of blankets on the floor & just curled up and laughed and talked and stuff. it was cool. we went to sleep around like 1 and my throat hurt sooo bad. still does. and umm...we woke up and raided the pantry again. and then marissa left & i left later and now i need to study for this huge biology test & take a shower and go to sbys & ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

all that matters starts on friday. after school: sat in the band room.not knowing why. waiting for god knows what or who. came home. amanda came over. tara brought me pixxie stix & energy drinks for my birthday. picked up marissa. went to the mall. ate at california pizza kitchen. "I think we should get the peck-ing duck." marissa made us laugh. we laughed so hard. we always do when we go there. tara & amanda each gave me 20 dollars for my birthday. dolls. tyler's party. pool=cold at 7:30. stayed in kiddie pool. only for a little while. talked to people. fire. poor matty jr. (matt's penis...bad naughty drew.) michael gave me & marissa a lecture on tampons. interesting. gonna go to tyler's house. but got picked up by marissa's dad. came home. bitch. saturday: woke up late. marissa called. walked to vons. got 5.50 for the cans. walked to the salvation army. got adorable shoes. car of 3 guys pulled over to talk to us. perverts. walked to the underground. mmm...coffee ice blended thing. went to goodwill. majorly attractive boy working there. wow. walked to joanne's craft store. bought a zipper & buttons for my shoes. went to big lots. bought bargain panties with winking smiley faces on the butts. photobooth=love. except when you put in 2 bucks and it says you only put in 1.75. then you ask for a quarter instead of change and the people get pissed. so we took our own pictures with the digital until my mom came. I really do love my Marissa. ♥ blockbuster. rented: japanese version of the grudge & empire records. came to my house. ate dinner. tara's house. matt, skylar & amanda came. cried. got mad at skylar. tara and him fucked (not literally) on the couch until 1:30 in the morning. when we watched the grudge i sat by myself in the corner. amanda didn't wanna watch. and i didn't want to interrupt the couples. then i got really scared. and got between the 2 couples. matt & tara let me grip their hands really hard. my fingers hurt. stayed the night. today: normal fucking sunday.

So I haven't made a new entry since tuesday...hmm... nothing exciting happened. wednesday walked to mcdonalds. met daniel. got a ride with him to mervyn's. chilled. walked to the mall. chilled some more. came home. brooke came over. skylar came over. tara, marissa & amanda were already over. had pizza. saw sin city. (awesome movie!) came home. stayed up til four with brooke looking at guys on myspace. thursday slept til 12. brooke left. amanda left. therapy. emotional. my mom came in. didn't help. thrift store. friday orthodontist appointment at eight in the fucking morning. sleep. lots of sleep. mall. saw zach. saw hot guys. came home. went to tara's. sat in jeff's driveway and spent hours talking to him and tara. moved into jeff's garage after almost getting run over by his sister and freezing our asses off. was tricked. spent the night at tara's. saturday came home. babysat. got a hair cut. amanda came over. we walked to starbucks. many awesome things occurred. i was hyper. danced in front of vons to the shania twain song from the rocks. rode in a shopping cart. picked up a claw. (a stick...) tara came over. danced. everywhere. mom caught them dancing ...awkwardly in the front yard as she got home. talked to zach. went to a movie with zach and tara. wasn't what i thought it'd be. at all. came home. talked online to "hedgehog." he knew who i was. read. slept. today woke up. tara left. washed the car. read. need to read more. need to take a shower. need to go to sbys. pizza party. hopefully paul will be there. i'd like to talk to him my parents are arguing. most likely about taxes. fuck everything. nothing's what it seems. the story ends when her husband comes home from work and finds her lying dead on the living-room sofa, dressed in her emerald taffeta evening gown.

Yesterday a group of us went to Magic Mountain. The group consisted of me, marissa, amanda, tara, matt (one WAY cool kid), Mike, Scott and tyler. It was fun. Except that... ...she was demanding attention every second of the day. ...i got all depressed and lonely. ...they were touching each other constantly and she wouldn't stop giggling. ...my parents got pissed off at me for not being at the car on time. ...i don't like scott any more than just a friend. ...i'm a bitch. Today I am bored out of my fucking mind. I need to read a book by monday. great. Maybe I'll see a movie tonight or something. Oh my. I cleaned my room and organized my closet. Holy fuck it's beautiful. Lol. yea. i was proud of myself. i still have some more stuff to do though. My dad is talking about getting me a new desk. I don't need a new desk. I need a HAIRCUT. I'm borrred. call me. save me from my misery.

ok so this week. good, bad, good, bad, okay. so zach says we will hang out saturday. i see him yesterday. he makes me smile! he asks later if i want to hang out but it's already 11:39 and no..i can't because i'm at tara's. (we had just gone to the dance which was...well ok). So he sends me a message today asking if I'd like to see a movie. I say yes. He says he'll call me later. I wait. I go to Marissa's. We watch Thumbelina and She's All That and The Excorcist prequel. (Tara is there too). It is 11:30 and he still hasn't called. I gave up at 8:30. Actually I think I knew there was never any hope. I think I gave up yesterday. Yesterday school went by quickly. Yay. Spring break is finally fucking here. And we went to the pool. Skylar happened to be there. It was fun. This week will be...i don't know. Going to Magic Mountain on monday. with so many people. i don't even know who is going anymore. i was so hyper earlier. energy drink. candy. cookies. foooood. last night was fun. we just talked on tara's kitchen floor while she complained how dirty it is. "she was all up in his business!" and "my momma brought me up that way" were my black moments I had. They laughed at me. So I am a tease. So what? (I realized it last night.) If I did have a boyfriend, which I probably won't for awile because guys are not dependable, I would stop flirting with everyone else but I'm going to live for the moment and just have fun. Who cares who it is I'm having fun with?! I'm leaving now. <3