So, i know that know one i know reads these things anymore, but i find it to be important that i write down how i feel about my life today. I look up at that picture on the left, and i think..who was that? and where did she go? i mean, i dont even look like that little girl anymore, i feel so much older, even though it's only been two years... ...wow...two years...thats a long fucking time...and reading these entries, i realize how naive i was, im not saying im all worldly and old and shit but i'm older than i was i;ve got so much lef tto learn and im ready for it. Today i;ve got a boyfriend who seems to truly care for me. and i care so much about him. My family and i are finally okay after all that shit with jeff...so messed up i've found my close group of friends and i'd like to think i have a best freind or two. i'm happy with who i am with right now although i miss everyone else. like sam and julia and sherry and grace and kat and now lexi...and everybody else. i miss the times we had, but it scares me to see how much we've all grown and where we;ve taken ourselves. we all have different lives and dreams and i'm okay with it i've learned to accept things..although im distrustful i'm learning to trust who ican and i'm glad. i've got no idea why i'm still writing this, i guess just to show my progression. even in the way i type, it's pretty ridiculous, -Jamie

hysterical with laughter! dude this is funny, this is my last entry, i wanted you all to know that i hav finally reached a happy place! i have a spectacular guy! he loves me and i love him, its insane how amazing this is! wow! im no longer that little emo girl that wrote all those scarring entries..no more depressed little kid i got my Sam-u-el (samm) and my Diego!! oh how i love my life! i hav the greatest friends and the greatest boyfriend! a sad thing happened yestrday, my horse died, she was only 8 months old..i am super sad! life isnt fair, she was a sweetheart! i dont know how to deal but i will. that is the only sad thing in my life as of now. so some things come too late and some too early some people say things too late..but thats life, ive changed so much and im so happy about it i cant even explain how happy i am with my life, its wonderful.. ive stopped dwelling in the past and ive moved on with my life, i love it and i love the world around me! i love the people in my life! and i love it all! stop regreting!! start forgetting!! live your life and stop wasting it here on this stupid site!!! Love always, Jamie

well here we are...this is my last entry becuz of recent events.. my mom found my diary and now she is forcing me to stop showing my feelings to the world and keep them locked up inside me...eventually shell figure out she was wrong and maybe ill be back? doubt it..rachels gunna talk to her about getting me a laptop so i can write down how i feel without showing it to everyone... to all of you who have helped me in the past.. thank you for being there even if you didnt kno me...for keepin me feeling good about myself and giving me advice..it has helped more than you could ever know and it could be the reason im still up and about! thanks again... mom-this isnt fair at all and i kno its wrong and so do you...sry you cant see that now.. she also changed my aol settings so now im on young teen which is bull bcuz i need other sites too like band websites and ticket stuff..watever ill do what im doing now then.. goodbye...ill miss this... J*mE

coool wordd... my mom found my diary...at least thats what she said! i don believe herr... watever..she jus asked me alll these questions...nd shes like why are you depressed and im like im not! im just not happyy but watever...she offered to move to the farm! i was like yes pleaseeeee nd i don think she was serious... i jus don like the feeling i get here...i am mad cuz rachel gets to leave and i dont! maybe ill stay in her dorm...i wanna skip a grade and go straight to SHS it would be funnn yea went to see sleepover it was reallllli good!! im obsessed with the skater kid with the leopard helmet and blondish hairrr...ow owww... some guy came and started dancing in our theatre during the dance scene...hilarious!!! i saw eliott for the first time without a hat on!!! aww i love his hairrrr haha...i kno i never thought hed take off his hat like the other dudes but i think he looks cuteee hah (o n mom if you are readin this leave me a comment and tell me! and no i am not writin it on a piece of paper and no i am not getting a typwriter) and i am not goin to the horse show tomorrow no matter how many times you ask me!!!!! (goin to the matt nathanson howie day and OAR concert tomorrrow...gunna be awsummm!!) this is how i express my thoughts and feelings and i get help from these wonderful people on here! thank you to everyonee!!!! J*me

hhhhhooowwdyyyy i am at kat wit sam! my love i love sam!! and kat!! i love kat too!! hha we were sposed to sleep at stans (shhh) but lexi grace nd stan left us here and said wait for kat.. then kat couldnt go so we stayed here with her! my throat hurts realli bad...what should i do!! we are goin to see sleepover tonite!! wo0t w0ot!! hahahahah well im tired nd my throat hurts and i hav nothing left to say so goodbye xooxoJ*Mexooxo

ok im sry to all my friends ok i just need to write a few things down! dont read it then if you dont want to! watever fuck it i dont care what you say about it bcuz thats just me, sry if that hurts you but i guess then i always have.... anyways my re ocurring nightmare came back again last night...where this gang comes and shoots every single person in sight nd you cant get away no matter where you go...but this time..i had a friend...i had sam, she was so brave and fearless..and so smart and she realli helped me..she protected me and it was fun...she wasnt afraid of the gang, she even let one guy in her house and then beat his ass...i ahd a lot of bullet marks in me but yea thats the good thing about nightmares they cant hurt you... also in another dream last night, we were at school and outside playing a game...nd i fell down running and i shouted "hey wait for me!" but no one came back except for kat...she said..jamie are you ok? nd im like..yea...thank you for staying with me...no ne else was nice enuff...nd shes like "thats my job! we're best friends!" (mind you we were little in this dream like 6 or 7 like the good ol days) then in a nother dream (i hav a lot ok) i was standing outside a lone and then gordon comes up to me and says "wanna walk home together?" and i said ok! and we walked this realllllli funny walk..hah it was alot of fun.. nd in the last dream i can remember.. i went to another something corporate concert with sam jen julia and lexi...nd while we were there..hollanders band had made it big and they came up to me and said "hey do u still wanna try out for our band?" nd so i did..except my throat was hurting and it kept on making these duck noises..but only i oculd hear them..but then i woke up so i dno if i made it.. but i geuss my dreams made me realize i was wrong about my friends...i guess sometimes they jus arent there bcuz of unknown reasons but when they are...its realli fun... i dno i hope no one is still mad at me...that would be a waste of summer.. nd for the record...i wasnt mad at you all in the beginning i was jus sayin how i felt at that rather lonely time...im sorry..

...this message is not to hurt anyones feelings so dont get mad..its just for me to get out what i need to say so if you will get mad then dont read it or leave comments... all my life...ive been the odd one out..the one that never realli quite fit it..i tried so hard to..but it never seemed to work..ppl just didnt like the way i was..the way i acted towards other ppl... i geuss iwas the only one that would stand up to help someone that needed something.. the only one to stand up when i wanted things to be done... ive been labeled the smart one in my group of friends...i geuss im just not smart enuf..to figure out how to fit in right... right now i just want to leave here and go some where that i fit in with the people.. where they listen to my ideas instead of ignore me.. where they take me into consideration when they make plans where they dont just ask whats wrong so they can seem like they are nice to other people...cuz i kno thats how it is.. ive never realli looked at a person and judged them right then and there...ive taken the time to see there potential and their kindness and genorousity... ive come to find that every complete stranger...is a potential best friend.. every time i hav come across a stranger here on diary...they hav come off as a realli kind and genorous person...yet they liv so far away and they are a lot older ... my sister and i hav always believed that we were both born in the wrong time period...she thinks she should be like 25...i think i should be 17... or somthing better than 13 i want to live in another town...where people treat you like ur human and not an alien.. where you are treated equally amongst ur friends.. i have this perfect picture of a guy in my head and heart... he sweet and king and gently and affectionate and brave and bold and just...perfect..i want that..thats what i need right now nd friends...no a best friend...that will always be there for me...nd i kno my friends are goin to leave me angry comments or comments saying they are my best friend but i dont need that bull shit..i kno the truth and i kno what you all think of me...you all have eachother and im happy for you...but i want to be happy for me too im not happy with my life right now..sure ive got a lot of things...and people that say they care about me but i need more than that...as selfish as i am.. fuck it im selfish and stupid and i hate myself and everything around me.. yes i overreact as you can tell but screw it.. i cant help it.. here are the things ive been writing lately.. summer 04 what a drag i would hav stayed at school if i knew things could get this bad... another lost day.here comes the moon.right on the suns heels.another summer day.so this is how it feels? to be broken hearted and alone.when your life should be great.things arent as good as they seem.i hav learned from my mistakes.can i be forgiven.or am i forver to remain forgotten?all i want.is for you to be with me.for us to be together.i wish that youd miss me.for if you did.i wouldnt feel so down.i wouldnt be here.i wouldnt be lieing on the ground.beggin for my soul to be brought back.i dont think this is how its mean to be.this is it.this is my very last act.my last attempt.to be with you.if all else fails.give up, give in, let go, i didnt win.i failed myself.i failed you.i failed my friends. as i always do.im not the one that you want.its someone else you crave.but no matter what.ill take my love for you to my grave. you cant jus say you love someone. you cant jus say you care. empty wordz are not enuf. you must show them youll be there...never fall in love. dont put ur heart on the line. your heart will become broken. its all just a matter of time... ...this message is not to hurt anyones feelings so dont get mad..its just for me to get out what i need to say so if you will get mad then dont read it or leave comments... J*me

jus got back from the lake...it sucked ballz i sat in my bed the whole entire time..talked on the fone...texted ppl...ate...watched tv..learned some guitar...thats it... funfilled i kno! i hateit...rachel always told me 'your family will always be ur best friends' she lied...tehy all hate me...not cool... i want to move away. or at least go to another schooll....i need new people that are like me..ive never realli been myself around ppl here..i barely even kno how to be myself anymore..all i kno is that this isnt me..i wanna be around ppl that are like me and accept me..i dno its wierd i geuss.... i cant stop thinkin about this one person...it drives me nutz i jus need someone to be there for me someone to care...ppl say that they care but its not enuf they need to show me..'empty words are not enuf' ... maybe im jus not good enuf... i need a way to deal with all this stupid pain cuz i cant take it anymore... im not who i once was..i never will be again.. i geuss its hard for me to trust ppl with my familys past expierences... goodbye

this site wasnt workin alllll day yestrday! rar...i wrote something down tho... another lost day.here comes the moon.right on the suns heels.another summer day.so this is how it feels? to be broken hearted and alone.when your life should be great.things arent as good as they seem.i hav learned from my mistakes.can i be forgiven.or am i forver to remain forgotten?all i want.is for you to be with me.for us to be together.i wish that youd miss me.for if you did.i wouldnt feel so down.i wouldnt be here.i wouldnt be lieing on the ground.beggin for my soul to be brought back.i dont think this is how its mean to be.this is it.this is my very last act.my last attempt.to be with you.if all else fails.give up, give in, let go, i didnt win.i failed myself.i failed you.i failed my friends. as i always do.im not the one that you want.its someone else you crave.but no matter what.ill take my love for you to my grave. wow its long... yea well i dno anymore...about anything... i could you something or someone to look forward to everyday... a reality check i have no idea... goin to summerfest tonite then to the lake tomorrow..woopdidoo dont miss me too much

all day i get yelled at by my mom...i dont get to go anywhere bcuz of my stupid sisters mistakes...i cant go to the friken beach cuz my mom thinks i am lieing nd goin to sum rave or somthing....i cant go to the place everyone round here goes cuz she says its not safe...she better friken lay off or i dno wat im gunna do..why does she hav to do this??? i was passin by this place near my house on my way home nd i saw that guy...he waved...gosh my friken heart was doing flip flops...im a hopeless wreck arent i?? wrote something today...took me 5 seconds.. im lieing here, readi to die, take me down, make me cry, nothing can stop me, i am gone for good, you didnt even take me in when no one else would, i cant take this pain, i cant take this hurt, you lingered in the shadows, where the darkness had always lurked.... not in a good mood today...wtf is wrong wit me? i do everything for my family. i work hard at school to please htem..i work hard around the house! i even got a friken job so i can help out! nd all i get is punishments and suffering and teasing...tahts all they ever do...im never gunna get out of this am i? no im not... geuss i ll have to find my own way...??? (untrusted.teased.angry)

wow wierrd word ne idea on what it means? well i am at kats...we went to fridays today wit chi chi nd toviee..it was funnnn...yea mhmmm they are watchin house of 1,000 corpses...i hate scary movies..they are wierd nd gross nd well..scary... n e one wanna go to summerfest on July 4th? five for fighting?john mayer? jet? rooney? three days grace? rarrrrr this movies gross...im mad... so yea i hate it when ppl like the same bands as me and well one of my friends that likes all that pop shit and rap is starting to like my music and i hate it...sry babe...but yea it pisses me off...i am very protective... haha J*me

ok so yea familys are such liars....teh ysay they will always be there for you but they are lieing!!...so i woke up this mornin at like 2:50 in the PM nd im like 'mommyy im hungry will you make me sum food' nd shes all like "DO IT YOURSELF!!" nd all this stuff...sry no one told me how to make a steak! im not a fuckin chef!! watever so yea i havent eaten alll day nd its 6:17 pm... last night was the best everr i went to summerfest wit rachel boo nd lou.. we got kinda lost but it was ok... rachel: Look jamie a skunk! me: *Scream*..oooppzzz i didnt kno you werent sposed to scream in front of a skunk....so we rannnnnn haha Jason Mraz rockeeeddd haha there were these two dudes that new the words to all the songs and they were dancin like they were at a club haha silliezz... nd that old guy that kept talkin to louis...wat a loserrrr haha..my mom called me a total of 4 times in 1 minute...i didnt call her back of course... i didnt go to bed till 3 so i woke up late...which led to a bad day.. i hope it gets betterrrrrrr J*me

ooook sooo yea i think i am not gunna recap on my day anymore like who wants to read about my boring life? i am jus gunna write things i think need to be written...so i dont bore you all...... well yestrday was jens bday and i jus wanna say HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN I LOVE YOU BABII!!!!!! wo0t that was funnnnn ok sooo yea im realli excited but kinda sad....so my sister rachel has been workin 2 jobs lately so she doesnt hav a lot of time for me and we used to do everything together...but now the only time i hav with her is when i beeeggg her to take me somewhere and i only make her drive me so i can spend time wit her...she spends every waking moment that he has free with Lanty her boyfriend and i love him nd all but like come on i am more important than a boy? well maybe i am sounding a lil selfish but i miss her...nd shes gonna be at college in a couple months and i am gunna gocrazy wit out her so iwant to make the best of the time she is here....wat am i gunna doo cuz i don wanna tell her cuz idont want her to yell at me again...shes always yellin at me now..i hate it..it makes me realli sad... im goin to summerfest tonite to see Jason Mraz...i was sposed to go wit rachel but now i am goin wit her friend Lauren i call her lou...she calls me moo...nd abbee boo..nd rachel roo...we were sposed to meet up wit her friend Chris (chroo)who lives up there but he cant come..o well... i love louis shes da bomb...haha wo0t its a parrrtayyyy ive been like makin myself sick (not throwin up jus the feeling) for the past couple of nights...i realli want to see that guy...nd all i want is to see his face idont need to say a word...i cant take this feeling anymore i jus want to be with him...too bad he doesnt feel the same...how long will i hav to wait?? Jamezon//

lets see todayy...... i went to kats in the morning nd toviee picked us up from there wit graciee...we went to dance... last day :(....well it was pretty funn we learned like 4 new dances...yea watev...then after we stayed outside cravings...we saw mrs sussman haha sus bus....haha well then shawn nd jake came and we were makin fun of these younger kids...i didnt say anything i felt bad...o well....one looked older ;0... haha well yes....then *since its bonding day* me lex nd toviee went to lexis and waited to go to Strawberry fest...we went and were only thre for like ten minutes nd then we had to leave....then i drove lex nd tov to lex's cuz i had to shower... now that i did that im bored and waiting to talk to my mom to see if she'll take me to lexis...abbee said we arent aloud to go to cp n e more but i don think thats right..she said mom said it wasnt safe but hey i don giv a shit...well its not like she can protect us from everything...im a pretty safe person and i take care of myself...o well... i think im gunna go to lexi's house now... bye luvz... (boy sit.) since i havent updated in a bit i will tell you...(my comp sucks) ok well his gf dumped him and i feel really bad nd i hate seeing him sad...or more like talkin to him.. i havent seenhim in a few weeks..i miss him like crazy nd its driving me nutz...i txt him today nd hes goin to cp i wanna gooo sooo baddd i realli miss him...aww that cute face nd that smart mind...i hav never met anyone like him...i dont think i want to..all iwant right now in my life is him... wwat the hell is wrong with me??!?!?! i hate this feeling...

ok! you win! youve got me pinned under your strength. im weak. youre strong. jus please dear g*D dont make me hurt anymroe. i cant take this anymore.... unloved.alone.afraid.alienated.hurt. ok so i talked to the guy and all it did was hurt me more... he said how amazing i am and how much he cares for me, nd how sry he is, nd all this stuff....but i dont get it... so i asked him if im so special why arent we together...nd he says he has no idea and he cant find a single reason..well....wat is that! ahh i cant take this... then i asked him what he saw in his gf nd why he asked her out nd he said cuz shes quiet and shy and that theres somthin special about her...nd how shes a lot like me... well wat!!! i dont get this...he says hed like to date me one day...well i cant do this... he told me to forget him cuz hes not worth my time but wat he doesnt understand is that i cant forget him as much as i want to and as hard as i try its no good. he may not be worth my time but something will happen or else why is this happening? i cant: eat.sleep.think.concentrate.stop crying.be nice. be normal. have a good day. im crying almost always now when im alone and i cant fuckin figure this out.. all i want to do is be with him, i kno i kno i am guy dependent and thats not how i should be but can you blame me? hes perfect in every way... he may hurt me like hell and make me want to die but its not in the way you think... he says such kind things that make me love him more...thats wat hurtz.... i want to die right now if only it could take away my pain... what should i do? please help me...i realli need it...or i fear for the worst...and i dont think i can take this... advice please.... >today i had dance...it was soo fun we told stories and went to cravings and had a fun time wit nook nd lady j lol im gunna miss them. he said hell make a class for jus us this fall...im excited...tomorrow we hav a new teacher nd im sposed to hav plans wit eric (abbees freind) if im not working...<

ahhh i think im gunnna friken die... ok so i still like that guy ya kno nd omg its realli pissing me off..i cant seem to get over him nd everytime isee his name on my buddylist or i play guitar or i listen to music i think of him nd i practically start to cry it hurtz so friken bad..all i want to do is be with him..jus to kno he realli carez..jus to kno somone cares...but he doesnt...he cares for somone else...someone hoo i met...she seems nice...must be nicer than me... holy shit this is friken haunting me any ideas on how to move on and forget? he doesnt even say goodbye as i wipe my tears from my eyez he cares for her, not for me he speaks of her so happily as time goes on, nothing changes we are now almost total strangers i wish hed turn around and come back cuz my heart is haunted and under attack will you be the one to dry my eyez? to tell me it will all be alright? please come back and be with me so i kno that someone cares... no one but you..i want you to care...please jus care...if only for a lil while..thats all i need...to hav that feeling again.. charming, funny, talented, sweet, smart, kind, generous, gracious, deep, quiet, loud...all of this describes you..you are the special one..... why cant i be happy for once..without being haunted.. happiness without haunting...all i want..all i need... J*me

my back nd legs nd ass hurt realli bad today :( nootttt gooodd... ok so today i woke up and davis nd jake called me nd were like 'we are outside ur house come out' nd im like...ookkk so i am outside wit them for like 10 mintues talkin nd then they had to go to camp...they are cool kidz...then i went nd picked up kat from gordons nd we went to dance camp.. we all forgot to bring kneepads so we couldnt learn the new routine :( very upsetting..but we added on to the one we learned yesterday nd its wayyy coool...we had a talk wit Nook nd his agent..nook let us hav his pizza..wat a sweetie..im soo sad hes not teachin for thursday nd friday! im gunna miss him!! ...i taught his agent and the new girl the routine. i was the only one who volunteered. i had fun and im glad i did it. i got realli tired so grace finished it up for me! wat a sweetie! i love her!! then we went to cravings..on the way there we saw frank nd preston in franks car and he burned me nd grace the modest mouse cd!! wo0t i love him!! hes such a cutiee... me nd grace were the only ones left at cravings cuz her dad was pcikin her up. we talked about seventh grade nd shs..i love her then i walked across the street to my moms office to start work...it was realli boring so Andrea told me i could go on the internet..this site wasnt workin so i looked up guitars. i want a Gibson SG supreme preferably the emerald burst...midnight is ok too..anyone got ne ideas on a good deal? then i did some filing and fone stuff...then i went to eat nd now i am home...rar i am bored.....well bye for now luvz J*me

well today was the first day of dance camp!!! omg soo much fun!! my teacher is Nook and he is the coolest guy ever!! he taught us a routine, the four elements of hiphop, our focus, nd wat a few words mean!! hes the coolest!! then after dance we all went to cravings... then me nd julez went to kohls nd toe the line...nd also Sam Ash..i got guitar pics nd i was lookin at the new guitars nd basses i want a bass soo bad!!!we couldnt find anything we needed so lexi nd jen came nd picked us up from Portillos and we went to Sports authority..i got pants, socks, a shirt, nd baller bands..we didnt hav a ride home cuz rachel was being a total bitch....so then jens mom picked us up..i felt bad.. abbee is grounded...she lied to my mom and went out wit these ppl shes not sposed to b out wit...so now my mom has her cell and she talks to her friends wen they call...kinda funny... im sooooo excited for tomorrow!!! dance camp day 2!!! wo0t.. i found out today that i might need to wear a brace on my backk..my mom has known for a month and hasnt said a thing. i hate that!! i want to kno wats goin on in my body!! she said 'i own taht body until ur 18' rarrr she said we hav to watch it for the next 6 months..rarr..one side of my spine myght be growing faster than the other...:( pray for me guyz...this sucks ass... J*me

abbee woke me up at 2:40 today...rar...i was realli mad...then i spent the day jus sittin nd watchin tv..then i went out to dinner wit my dad, gramps, nd rachel nd abbee...jackie didnt come again...why do i even ask her if shes coming? i kno she wont..i jus wish she could jus be a nice person for once and go to dinner with her father...shes a bitch...o well...tomorrow i hav dance!! wo0t shoo excited!! J*Me

ok so last night....at around 1 or 2 i was online...nd this guy i met the other night online signs on...we started totalk...about everrrrrrrything...we talked for 3 or 4 or 5 hours....wow...hes soooo smart nd reallli reallli sweeet! he asked me to do somthin tonite but i cant cuz its fathers day :(...yea well hes realli coool...nd i think im kinda crushing....haha...hes funny too!...the one thing is...hes 3 years older than me...him nd my second oldest sister even hav an inside joke from schooll....how would this all work out? if my mom found out if i went to see him or somthin wat would she say?? o well..i dno..cant stop me from likein someone...cuz i cant help who i like...i watched the sunrise for the first time and it was reallly beautiful...this guy is so deep and understanding..nd reallly kind...like hes like i dont feel like im talkin to a 13 year old..he said if he didnt kno i was 13 he would think i was his age...wierd...oy wats wrong wit me and older guyz? wat the hell is wrong wit me? any advice would be nice... tonite i am goin to dinner wit dad nd gramps...i hav no idea wat i am doin wit jay (stepdad)...hmmm have a good fathers day ;) J*me