i can go for a few days or weeks even thinking i am okay and i am handling this and then something will happen to make me realise i've taken it too far. i spent $80 on a pair of shorts a few weeks ago, a ridiculous amount of money for a tiny piece of material really, because i struggle to find clothes i like in my size. and i put them on today and they are too big for me. yesterday i felt amazing about my body, and myself, and today i just feel sick. i do eat. yeah just not enough. and the constant purging is damaging me, i can feel it. my belly hurts. my bowels are all fucked. my heart aches. i am sick of the lying and the worrying and i am going through to keep my mother happy. i spend half the time i'm at home avoiding her or wearing baggy clothes so that she doesn't look at me in that way and say "you're getting too skinny", "you've lost all your curves", "don't lose any more weight." as far as she knows i am dieting really well.. and i am! it's easy for me to eat no more than eight hundred to a thousand calories a day, but then i vomit half of that up. but surely she must wonder about the huge amounts of icecream we go through hah. you can't really stash icecream in your room, and it's something i cannot resist. but really, this is kind of her fault. my whole life i've watched her struggle with weight and body image and diet.. and i've learnt way too much about calories and certain foods etc. and maybe just the fact that i worry about it too much. i used to think i was so lucky, being so skinny and being able to eat whatever i wanted, whereas she wasn't allowed delicious food and was still so much bigger than me. then my metabolism just ran out i guess but fuck it if i wasn't obsessed with food. so this way i get to eat all of this amazing food that makes me so happy and i think about constantly but i don't gain weight from it. then therest of the time i control exactly what goes into my body. which is all healthy things... i try and get enough fruit and vegetables, calcium in the mornings, protein with my cereal and tuna, i take multivitamins.. (kids ones because they taste yum, but still).. so is it really that bad? maybe i fool myself into thinking it's not, because i do still eat, but then days like today i look in the mirror and think omfg. i got so lightheaded and felt sick about it. so i decided to eat and i go to the fridge and i'm struggling to find something to eat that i won't want to instantly throw up. so i ate a pear, and some potato salad. but how is that going to help, really? but anything else will make me feel so much regret and restart the cycle. so i broke into my stash and ate a few m&ms. better than nothing i guess.

i will try really hard for today, at least..