well here i go, i havent written in forever, as if any one reads my blogs... but tonight is the night...tonight its all about me.. i am...i am me, and im going to write what this broken heart is saying, so loud im sick of hearing its screamsfamily: 1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children. 2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.hmm sounds just like mine...all statistics and logic that fundamentally make up what we call the foutch family, but no one sees deep into the surface and stares at the inner justice that continues to murk inside each one of us....we are all together messed up in our own way held together by the common goal that one day...some day...it will all work out and we will be stronger...ofcourse the mother of this family is not willing to admit to change for any long periods of time, half the family is flunked out, the other striving for perfection to match the appreciation bestowed upon the prodigy son....if one is forced to respect another in terms of due process do es that make it work...does that make it right....or does it just make us low?then theres the relationship the one that continues to grow with each new spark i fall in love again every day and yet im still searching for my perfect romance, even when its staring me in the face, and yes he is the one...im quite if not completely certain, of course there can always be the arguement that yes i am young....but i also know what i essentially want out of life...andrew is part of that moldhow bout friends....ha to dig deep into that inner core you would find nothing more than a broken heart that was broken too many times by too many people who i stupidly gave my trust to and my heart....i always find myself somehow doing, running headlong into something i want so badly to mean something but in the end proves itself the opposite of my burning desires....but then i meet her, and she can save me finally from the pitfall of destruction, the problem is im not willing to give her anything because i have so little left so now she is the victim and im the heartless friend...ironic must i sayand what about jake.....ive forgotten about you long enough to forget why i need tothen there is the busy part of my life the school that i desperately need to go on, i love to learn its a passion of mine that broke out of its shell this year, its not so much a priority anymore than it is a strong hold in obtaining my sanity...so why am i fearing college...i fear its too hard buti know thats not right for what can be harder then what i set my capacity mentally and allow it to be...nothing...im recieving BULK mail i mean at least 5-6 letters A DAY...and my dream school Denver University actually wants me to chekc them out...but the problem is i also havea nother dream that sadly doesnt include andrew. agnes school for women..o god how i would love to thrill in their intelectual delights...but its in georgia and andrew is in colorado and im screwed...if i left him i know he would feel id idnt care enough to stay, because i cane asily go to college here...grr decisions decisions! and work, i am unable to promote the hand gesture i would attach to your portion being this is writtenso i wrote about my life but i didnt write about me, something i always ends up doing when someone asks how i am and what im doing....what i would really like tot ell them is how lost and confused i am, how each day to bring myself out from underneath my bed is a constant struggle , to put on each layer of clothing as if i was covering the open wounds that scrounge my soul...but ofcourse thats giving them more then they ask for..or so it seems, and i reply with, ay imdoing great and tell them about work and school family(which no matter how much they dont want to hear it i tell them is in sorry condition) and sometimes i show them the promise ring andrew gave me....but i dont ever dare to tell them about me...but i know each day when i close my eyes and try to drift off to the time in my life that i actually dont have to think....thought i hav ebeen getting painful dreams....i know that the next i will wake up drag myself from my cold bed and cover my wounds, for know one needs to see them....and know that as long as no one feels them...im ok..and thats all i need

im closing this chapter.....new ones have already begun, but doing THREE blogs is just too tricky....ive sold out (sorry sitdiary) to both xanga and myspace, catch me there www.xanga.com/qwyla AND www.myspace.com/qwyla im always posting there, i cant promise ill stop posting here, but there will defintly be a let up.... i love my readers though

The morning sun's about to break I'm looking in as you create someone You lift your head and brush your teeth and make your bed As if you won't sleep again You fix your hair and tie your shoes And tuck your shirt and now you feel new The glass is full, the glass is broke And every day desolves and there's no hope Of ever leaving this temporary life Of ever leaving this temporary life Life, life, life, life You may ask yourself: is there anyone so alone That there's no beep before the dial tone When you pick it up to see who called If there is, its probably your Mom Oh the rising sun brings little change To this city with a stolen name And you're wondering who's bright idea It was to pack your things and leave your friends and move Down here

well let me turn this table around and sit down to face this unknown let me gaze into those brown eyes tell me your secrets, even if they are lies dont scare me away with your spurious decisions that affect my every move are you here with me or have you lost that motive ive gone away for the night i might stay there forever lost in this dream of life and trading my future for never come fly with me isnt that what my future is adding up to i dont wish to fly i dont wish anything but to be where im suppose to be but where is that i cant seem to drag myself away from this melodramatic consequence im sleeping too much not crying enough im holding onto what ive believed is true but im losing it all ive lost it all in you

i just got back from brazil it broke my heart and made my life All I can say is that my life is pretty plain I like watchin the puddles gather rain And all I can do is just pour some tea for two And speak my point of view but its not sane, its not sane I just want someone to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made And I don't understand why I sleep all day And I start to complain that theres no rain And all I can do is read a book to stay awake It rips my life away but its a great escape...escape... All I can say is that my life is pretty plain You don't like my point of view Ya think that I'm insane Its not sane... its not sane I just want someone to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made

i dont miss you, i miss who i thought you were..... im walking away, and thats the easiest part, the hardest is knowing you wont be running after me...

I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for But I don't know him anymore There's nothing where he used to lie My conversation has run dry That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn So I guess the fortune teller's right Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light To crawl beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn. There's nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor You're a little late, I'm already torn.

im buried so deep in this ashen puddle im yearning for more then what im given im falling deeper then i was into a grave distant, and future heartbreak, and manipulative crossing road. im hurt im crying im broken but worst of all im cutting

Now and again it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate. You see your breath in the air while you climb up the stairs to that coffin you call your apartment. And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair and drink the cold away. You are not really sure what you are doing this for but you need something to fill up the days. A few more hours. There is a dream in my brain that just won't go away. It has been stuck there since it came a few nights ago I'm standing on a bridge in the town where I lived as a kid with my mom and my brothers. And then the bridge disappears and I'm standing on air with nothing holding me. And I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark, for all those starving eyes to see, like the ones we've wished on. But now I'm confused. Is this death really you? Do these dreams have any meaning? No. No, I think it is more like a ghost that has been following us both. Something vague that we are not seeing, something more like a feeling.

today is a new beginning im still blurred by yesterday's old im hurting for this new feeling the one ive burned into my soul this life is less then ordinary, a frequent reminder i set aside but im still lost in the extrodinary everytime your looking into my eyes

im totally perplexed and have fallen from blissful peace to anxiety like no other...i have this knot that swells inside of me and im unable to find the directions of untying it. i passed co 36 tonight, that blissful highway that once lead me to home when i was so lost...no becomes my friend again, but one i want to travel to run away from everything im stuck battling at home rain rain go away come again another day, because im too tired and im to cold to last through your pouring vain

Carlos- remember when we first heard this song with timmy? never thought i would picture your face when i heard it.... I see the picture clear now, the fog has lifted. The wool you tried to pull over my eyes was clever. Yeah you're gifted. But you forgot to dot some I's, and cross some T's along the way. I'm better now despite you baby. I'm stronger these days. Stronger. I survived the crash. Survived the burn. Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned. Survived the lies. Survived the blues. Almost killed me, but I survived the truth. And when you wrote me off like I was doomed. I survived you. I can look in the mirror now. It's been a slow awakening. Haunted by a heart full of you, couldn't help mistaking. That you could ever care for anyone. Anyone but yourself. Hey. But you would have to have a conscience baby. Good luck I wish you well. I survived the crash. Survived the burn. Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned. Survived the lies. Survived the blues. Almost killed me, but I survived the truth. And when you wrote me off like I was doomed. I survived you. This heart has been torn in two. Cut and bruised. With too many bitter endings. I'll be damned if I have thoughts of you Rain on my new beginning. I survived the crash. Survived the burn. Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned. Survived the lies. Survived the blues. Almost killed me, but I survived the truth. And when you wrote me off like I was doomed. I survived you.

Joshua- o, baby, how i want to hold you now and whisper to you that everything is okay, but thats the thing everythng isnt ok, and probally wont be in a while. when i read about your cutting i wanted to cry, just knowing my own personal struggle, its so hard to see someone else and realize they have that pain too. i dont feel sorry for people most of the time, but my heart longs to you, just knowing i cant help you. reassuring words in the end are just.....words, they arent going to fix a broken heart, mend the seams of others decietful work. your too far away right now to hold, to kiss, 'to crawl in bed with', but remember the want is still there. what i want is too offer some peaceful chrisitian advice, but i know i hate that when i hear it. so what im going to say is i wish icould kiss each scar away, dull each sharp object, and hold both your hands so you cant do anything....and since im not there right now to do, imagine i am each time you pick something up, when your tempted, imagine im holding your hands, or im right infront of you....would you deliberatly hurt me by cutting yourself...look at it that way, your hurting me by hurting you. life is a mess, when is it not? ive been at peace with myself once, and guess what that lasted o about less then a month. life isnt ever going to be easy, but trust me it gets better, just wait....be a patient person my love. imgoing to bed now because you didnt get on or call back, im sure nothing i said really affected you any, but i pray that it did. i wish i could crawl in your lap and just hold you, rest my head against your shoulder and take in your scent.....remember the beautiful things in life still exist and are longing to stare you straight in the eyes. always, Qwyla

"TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS TO BE LOVED PURELY AND FURIOUSLY. AND A PERSON WHO THINKS HIMSELF UNLOVEABLE CANNOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD BECAUSE HE CAN"T ACCEPT WHO GOD IS; A BEING THAT IS LOVE. WE LEARN THAT WE ARE LOVEABLE OR UNLOVEABLE FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT IS WHY GOD TELLS US SO MANY TIMES TO LOVE EACHOTHER" ~Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

I lay down And I close my eyes But I won't go to sleep tonight There's too much on my mind Holy God You seem to be twice as far away from me Than you have ever been before Hold me safely in Your arms And clear my crowded mind And whisper words of peace In the dark Whisper to me Oh, whisper I'm afraid but they don't know it I feel so weak But I can't show it So here I lay Crying out with hears Hold me gently in Your arms And calm my beating heart And whisper words of hope In the dark Whisper to me Oh, whisper Whisper Make the day sleep Make the noise cease And give me peace Whisper to me How I need to hear You whisper Whisper to me Oh, Whisper Hold me gently in Your arms And calm my beating heart And whisper words of hope In the dark Whisper to me Words of hope Words of peace Whisper to me

can you see the way i shine from far a melody untrue but you dont know what i hide is a secret so corrupt my very being shrinks in self pity im unaware of these hurting lies the ones i tell each day waiting in a new form of breathing my own eternal passion undergo my self blame

The seed of death grows slowly within me. Painlessly, whispering to me in tiny, choking breaths. I'm not listening.

Seems like just yesterday You were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight Everything, it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong Now I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these broken eyes I told you everything Opened up and let you in You made me feel alright For once in my life Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside 'Cause I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hangin' on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these broken eyes Swallow me then spit me out For hating you, I blame myself Seeing you it kills me now No, I don't cry on the outside Anymore... Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these broken eyes

Heaven bend to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so... We all begin with good intent Love was raw and young We believed that we could change ourselves THe past could be undone But we carry on our backs the burden Time always reveals The lonely light of morning The wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything That I have held so dear. I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so... Heaven bend to take my hand Nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends To everyone I know Oh they turn their heads embarassed Pretend that they don't see But it's one missed step One slip before you know it And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so...

I'm having a hard time missing thises and thatses. The world is moving too slow for me. It makes me lazy. And days go by without an accomplishment, it seems. I am stretched across hardwood floors, popping my lower back and shaking off the effects. Drinking orange juice from the carton and trying to screw my head back into place. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.