well here i go, i havent written in forever, as if any one reads my blogs... but tonight is the night...tonight its all about me.. i am...i am me, and im going to write what this broken heart is saying, so loud im sick of hearing its screams

family: 1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children. 2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.hmm sounds just like mine...all statistics and logic that fundamentally make up what we call the foutch family, but no one sees deep into the surface and stares at the inner justice that continues to murk inside each one of us....we are all together messed up in our own way held together by the common goal that one day...some day...it will all work out and we will be stronger...ofcourse the mother of this family is not willing to admit to change for any long periods of time, half the family is flunked out, the other striving for perfection to match the appreciation bestowed upon the prodigy son....if one is forced to respect another in terms of due process do es that make it work...does that make it right....or does it just make us low?

then theres the relationship the one that continues to grow with each new spark i fall in love again every day and yet im still searching for my perfect romance, even when its staring me in the face, and yes he is the one...im quite if not completely certain, of course there can always be the arguement that yes i am young....but i also know what i essentially want out of life...andrew is part of that mold

how bout friends....ha to dig deep into that inner core you would find nothing more than a broken heart that was broken too many times by too many people who i stupidly gave my trust to and my heart....i always find myself somehow doing, running headlong into something i want so badly to mean something but in the end proves itself the opposite of my burning desires....but then i meet her, and she can save me finally from the pitfall of destruction, the problem is im not willing to give her anything because i have so little left so now she is the victim and im the heartless friend...ironic must i say

and what about jake.....ive forgotten about you long enough to forget why i need to

then there is the busy part of my life the school that i desperately need to go on, i love to learn its a passion of mine that broke out of its shell this year, its not so much a priority anymore than it is a strong hold in obtaining my sanity...so why am i fearing college...i fear its too hard buti know thats not right for what can be harder then what i set my capacity mentally and allow it to be...nothing...im recieving BULK mail i mean at least 5-6 letters A DAY...and my dream school Denver University actually wants me to chekc them out...but the problem is i also havea nother dream that sadly doesnt include andrew. agnes school for women..o god how i would love to thrill in their intelectual delights...but its in georgia and andrew is in colorado and im screwed...if i left him i know he would feel id idnt care enough to stay, because i cane asily go to college here...grr decisions decisions!

and work, i am unable to promote the hand gesture i would attach to your portion being this is written

so i wrote about my life but i didnt write about me, something i always ends up doing when someone asks how i am and what im doing....what i would really like tot ell them is how lost and confused i am, how each day to bring myself out from underneath my bed is a constant struggle , to put on each layer of clothing as if i was covering the open wounds that scrounge my soul...but ofcourse thats giving them more then they ask for..or so it seems, and i reply with, ay imdoing great and tell them about work and school family(which no matter how much they dont want to hear it i tell them is in sorry condition) and sometimes i show them the promise ring andrew gave me....but i dont ever dare to tell them about me...

but i know each day when i close my eyes and try to drift off to the time in my life that i actually dont have to think....thought i hav ebeen getting painful dreams....i know that the next i will wake up drag myself from my cold bed and cover my wounds, for know one needs to see them....and know that as long as no one feels them...im ok..and thats all i need