i miss your hands. i miss the way we held hands. i miss your body. i miss your smell. i miss your lips. i miss your eyes. i miss your kiss. i miss your taste. i miss your lame jokes. i miss your help. i miss your smile. i miss your hugs. i miss your chest. i miss you.
still. there are things i dont miss. and while i dont feel hateful about anything, i can't decide if i made a mistake, or if it will just take time to learn to live without you. and why do i have to live without you? why can't i decide what i want from you. i dont know if i dont want a relationship or if i want friendship or if i want nothing. do i want someone new? do i still want you? i look at your pictures and try to figure out what youre doing these days without me. who are you seeing? who are you talking to and hanging out with and spending time with? what are you doing with your time? i definitely miss you. just thinking about this so much is making me want to contact you and see how you are. I havent spoken to you in over a month.
will i see you in a month? what will happen?
i dont know how to let you go.
week 2 of Veganism...still going strong. not gonna lie, i cheated like twice. on valentines day and then out to eat with stephen's fam. no big though...just a piece of chocolate and there were eggs in the rice but whatev. no big. im vegan. go me. i think the real reason i decided to go vegan was to add some sort of meaning to my life. how pathetic. its not like im saving animals or eating 10 times healthier, although i kinda am, i just like the fact that i have something to base my life around. sort of. sad, but i dont care because im doing it.
today was a blah day. the sun disappeared behind the clouds and nothing eventful happened. i dont care... i want some excitement!
i dont think i've ever had a shittier weekend then this one. i cant even begin to describe why exactly it was so bad. was i tired? pms? emotional? i literally dont know why it sucked so bad. could it be the parties i wasnt feeling? or the valentines day love in the air that i resented? or could it be i felt so alone, while a million people were around. people i love and care about. best friends, and i still felt alone. why? stephen's best friend lydian has been here, and she's wonderful, but ive been second best. which of course i am, i should be, they've been best friends for years. but i couldnt help feeling unwanted all weekend. and last night. last night i cried because finally i realized what its all come to. we're out to dinner, me, stephen, max, hannah, and lydian. we leave dinner and max has to go do some homework, no problem, except stephen, hannah, and lydian have to go to some "group" thing with jacob? which means ditch kat. again. for jacob. and i ofcourse cant go in there! so i cried. maybe its lame. it is lame. i mean they had to go to their meeting, whatever. but they could have said not tonight, we're hanging out with kat? they could have NOT ditched me for jacob. i ended up having a good night anyway...it just stung.
i dont know. im sensitive. and probably paranoid. i dont care...i just want some one to care.
there is so much to be done. and so many thoughts in my head. im still doing the vegan thing and its going really well. the only thing i find myself craving is turkey toms and chocolate. not that big of a deal since i could just go eat vegan chocolate. but turkey toms, not so much.
i really miss jordan. im giving this "us not talking" thing a trial run and if i STILL cant stop thinking about him in another week, we'll see. or maybe we'll just see how things go when i go visit. he's handling all this so well...makes me love him more.
friend issues...i really dont understand. i LOVE everyone here, i do. and i've never felt like i've had so many friends before. but some people who i consider to be good friends dont treat me very well all the time. or they expect a lot from ME, but i get no thanks or reciprication. i dont know maybe im just sensitive. i mean i KNOW im sensitive. or maybe there's some truth in the fact that strangers are perfect and friends im not all THAT close to treat me better than ones i am. or maybe my closest friends are just like family, and we feel as though we can treat eachother poorly at times. what am i even talking about...
im mailing jordan a valentines day present even though we're not together. i think its going to make him very happy. he's going to be so surprised. :)
Day one of Veganism was successful. DEF had NO meat. may have mistaken a cookie for being allowed, but whatev...start slow. im on a roll so far. now i just need to find some fucking food to eat. so far so good?
Just like Alice with all her singing roses
I sit among the blades and hum
along to you.
I lay in your rays and soak up the earth.
My body becomes alive.
The gold hits my face, and happiness floods through my veins like a drug.
Your warmth caresses me and I am loved.
I squint, blinded by your charm.
In you, I am perfect.
But the moment never lasts. All too soon
you are gone. I chase after you, hoping to catch up to your fall behind the hill.
The blackness creeps in,
you disappear and I am alone.
I am cold and shivering, lying in a heap
in a field of knives. They cut into me like razors at my flesh.
And I must rise, and find peace elsewhere.
i wish i could step outside my body
and take a look around
and reazlie what i've missed.
i'd dance with the moona dn forget how much
sadness still sits inside my shell.
i'd take a trip across the sunlight
never landing
or burning
or crashing
or failing
just falling.
demons crawl across the beams
drowning out my sun
making shadows in my moonlight
my dance is over
i cower back into my corpse
and wait for the sky to clear
so im extremely tired of House episodes taking 3 hours to download on my computer. why. the. fuck. that is absurd. on another note, things are at a stand still.
not speaking to someone for no apparent reason is like being in a fight with your best friend and youre well aware that both parties are thinking "this is only awkward because i dont know how to act anymore." so how do you fix that? how do you treat someone you used to hold so closely? normally. you'd think. unless that other person doesnt know HOW to act normal? could that be it. who knows. all i know is that i'm over missing him, now its just uncomfortable.
im obsessed with music these days. im so glad im good at something.
why am i searching for you?
looking into the faces of strangers, catching a glimpse
here and there.
he has your hair.
she has your eyes.
he laughs like you.
i can hear your music in the distance.
and i can feel it fading.
it gets softer the further you go.
so far, im losing sight.
why is my heart still beating for you?
it died long ago, and yet i sweat.
i didnt see you among the books.
you drifted in
and out
and in again and pat my shoulder.
the memories float about and i cant help but sigh
at what was once euphoria.
i wasnt in love with you.
wasnt even close.
and yet...
its amazing the differences between last semester and this semester. upsetting...hopefully heading towards a light? maybe they'll get better. im hoping for the best. Jordan and I are lookin good again, finally. its ridiculous what i even allowed happen between me and jacob. ridiculous. i was so easily persuaded and it was insane. but looking back in was like a semester in the sun. a little fling that could never have lasted and im better off for it i suppose, and now i have what i really need. a friendship lost, but i hope not forever.
im looking back on our time together and im amazed i couldnt see the outcome. it was obviously too good to be true. but i had a taste. just enough to say this is wonderful, but so unhealthy. i should be okay now...
i gave you every thing you asked for. you wanted me, i gave you me. you wanted sex, i gave you sex. you wanted silence, i gave you silence. you wanted happiness, i gave you happiness. you wanted help, i gave you help. and when it got too dark, and you woke up from the dream, you wanted me to go away.....but i was hooked. you worked me with your claws and thought i would survive. now i see i was fooled. broken promise. broken heart.
last night, i finally felt at ease with this thing. i finally felt like he and i can exsist together and just let it be and enjoy eachothers company without complicating things with sex and emotions and baggage. he's so happy now its amazing. it was a whole new him. for once, he wasnt just sitting in his thoughts. and i didnt feel guilty. or even pain. things are looking up.
theyre also getting better with jordan. we're going to see eachother over he Christmas break. Who knows... maybe i did change too much... we'll see. I cant wait to see him.
and as for me, i am content.
the more i think, the less i do. and all i want is to rock your soul.
its amazing how influenced i am by beautiful music. its like poetry with life under it. i love creating it and living in it and sharing it. im having a moment. another one of my out of my mind insanely inspired creative love instrument moments where i just want to take the souls all around the world and show them beauty and love and life. i should write more when i get like this. i feel the words come so easily like they flow out like water. i can just speak and type and write and love and live and everything can be ok. will it? will everything be ok? i want magic for everything.
i want to feel happiness again. i want to feel the wind in my hair and the carelessness drip from my fingertips. i want to feel the earth moving beneath my feet and a wave of extacy rush across my body. where did that person go?
why cant i make him happy?
things were seeming good for a while. maybe they still are. its so silly how you can finally be happy and see a light at the end of a tunnel, and one little incident, one that probably didnt even mean anything, can spark a downfall. why do things have to be so complicated? in my mind its so simple. i dont need to be obsessed over. i dont need for him to sacrifice the world for me. i just want this back and forth depression sadness to end! everytime i think we've reached an understanding and a trust and something good, he does or says something that sets us back ten steps. im tired of being a toy and being whatever he wants. im always here for him. i try to make him see the beauty and the optimism in life, and i feel helpless. he's gotta DO IT. he's gotta get back up. and i cant keep pulling and be at his beck and call. i should have a little more dignity than that. you'd think after all i did for him he'd realize. im sure he does. its hard to see through the shit sometimes... hes a good person. i know he cares about me or we wouldnt be in this mess. eventually it will all work out.
jordan, on the other hand, is gone. i lost him. i ruined him. i ruined us. maybe its for the best and at some point I'll see why. my heart just breaks whenever I think about it. how happy we were and how perfect he is and how beautiful our love was. or was it? maybe i have false memories of greatness. i remember begging for more, just wanting him to trust me and really get deep with me. i just dont think he's like that. and i think Jacob made me realize thats the kind of person I want to be with. someone who can cry and share and be passionate and LIVE. i can just exsist in love i want to be DROWING in love. i want to be someone's rock. jordan was my rock. but i wasnt his... i think thats why we drifted away. but he'll never see that. i miss him a lot.
im optimistic. things will get better. they already have. i just need to keep going on the right track. i had a great bonding day with my class today. dinner at chili's and peyton payed AGAIN. he's ridiculous in the most wonderful way. and i finally hung out with max and abigail. things really are better than they seem. :)
the letter k on my keyboard isnt working so well. there must be something stuck behind it.
anyway. recent events. i feel like every day theres a new recent event. becasue something eventful happens atleast once a day. which i guess is a good thing.
jacob doesnt want anything serious. neither did i until i realized how unloved ive felt for a while. i discovered this whilst telling jordan why everything got so fucked up. so we're trying to patch up "us". im nervous. i dont want to let him down again. the distance has just created this barrier that i feel i cant break through. so i settle for this guy who is CLEARLY going to hurt me. its only a matter of time before something really depressing happens. thats a really negative attitude, but these days my usual optimism isnt solving anything.
sometimes i wonder why any of these trials happen. maybe i believe too much in fate. maybe nothing is ever "supposed" to happen and things just do and sometimes they suck and sometimes they rock. lately, theyve sucked. i guess its proof im alive.
im exhausted from how drawn out this has become.
and i would really enjoy winter clothes right about now. never realized florida could become CHILLY. apparently it can. scarves would be lovely. or pants. whichever.
no classes tomorrow. im getting drunk tonight.
the end.
ahhhhhhhhh
oh life. im really missing jordan. we're going to be together again one day, i know it. i hope it. he is so wonderful, and im a fuck up.
things with jacob got wack as well on halloween. but apparently he got over that and now we're back to square 1. great.
as if things werent complicated enough. why is it so hard for me to make choices? why couldnt the answers have just been clear. on the bright side, im very optimistic. i really believe everything is going to be ok and work itself out in the end. it just sucks for now. things can only go up. right?
i love the weekend. had FTC auditions this weekend and made it through. thats exciting. although, i wonder if this means i will no longer be living in New York for the summer. if wonder if that is ALSO a sign that I shouldnt be with jordan? ugh. im tired of these fucking signs. i just want jordan to come down here and rescue me. how pathetic am i? very.
i dont want a monday.
well jordan and i have broken up. damnit. i mean, its my fault. i never realized how different our beliefs and morals were, but theres no reason we cant work past them. the distance is just too hard currently. he never expresses himself to me and i never know what he is thinking or feeling and jacob is the opposite. he tells me whats up in his head. its confusing. im still in love with jordan. a lot. im sad like every day because i miss his voice and his love and everything about him. i dont know...i dont know what to do. i want things to be back to the way they were, but i cant help the fact that i have changed. it sucks. a lot. uuuggghhh. i wish things werent so complicated.