i dont know how to be happy. im turning into my mother. im so afraid of losing something, that im guarenteeing that it is lost. why is this? its a problem...its like the macbeth complex. but instead of being told my future, i've found happiness. but im not satisfied. why arent i satisfied? i need to stop focusing on the negative things in my life and what sucks about stuff and realize that i have amazing things. i need to be confident. i need to stop obsessing about jordan and i's success. its ruining us. im ruining us. why am i like this???? i pride myself on being laid back, and yet im more and more like my mother all the time. and she's so unhappy. she is unhappy in her mariage, in money, in jobs, and practically everything in her children. i cant be like that. i love her, but i need to stop acting like that. what good comes out of crying about everything and worrying and stressing and questioning. we dont know the answers to everything. if we did, life would be pointless. and who knows, maybe life is pointless. but that shouldnt stop me from living it to the best of my power. i need to just let it be. stop destroying the perfect relationship i have by expecting more. stop soaking in self pity and get off my ass and live my life. things arent going to just fall into place in my career. i need to be working. i need to relax and LET IT BE. and i need to apologize to jordan YET AGAIN for overreacting like i always do. WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?! im really frustruating myself. and if i dont change im going to be sad by whole life.