its finally christmas well like 12:05 but yeah its technically christmas. im just going to talk about it. i went to church tonight...i dont think ill go really anymore...no offense rachel i just dont really like going i realized what i believe in... im a deist or however you spell it... where i believe that god created everything on earth and created man and so on then he left us life and death and nature to take care of and let us figure everything out on our own which we have. thats what i believe. so yes i believ in god but only to a point. then also...i remember christmas being so much more fun. its such a big hassle..maybe because were older and have to think things through so much more and if you dont perform well enough your thrown to the back of the pack and trampled on...when we were kids we acted so care free in what we did not caring for the future. now our actions in the present make or break our future..the school im doing now will help me start the second layer of the building block of life. in my mind. the first being school up until college. now this is our future even though your degree wont permanently determine your job in the future. but it will help mold you into your habits. i want to walk down stairs tom morn or wake up late not early and let my parents open their gifts first and make sure that they are happy with what i got them even though the plans seem pretty fucked up right now because my moms trip to hawaii. but i want the best for them because of the past seventeen christmas' where they bought us gifts because they wanted us happy. but this year i have realized that the best gifts are the gifts you make your self. i have never had so much gratification with what i gave to my girl friend. it made me soo happy seeing her face and her saying she was going to take it to san diego to show to her relatives and show it off that i made her something that she can hold and sleep with. yeah i did buy her other stuff with it but the biggest part was what i made. i wish i could just do that for everyone. but sometimes you can make everything and there are gifts that youll have to buy but thats normal. but im going to end on this note: believe in yourself to make your own gift for someone you love because not only will they love it dearly, you yourself will get so much gratification from making it and taking the extra time to put to final touches and then seeing their smile from ear to ear when they pull it out of the box. its all priceless.