documenting everything from now on. have to get it down somewhere. i feel it's going to be important that i can spread everything out on a desk and just sift through the information. i'll start with this email to chris: i'm sorry for getting irrationally mad. thank you for being worried about me, but i really need you to stop and trust that i can make my own decisions. i understand you want to be close, but that is making things way too hard on me right now, and i feel like i have to take care of myself and you as well. i looked at you funny because i felt like you were trying to follow me around. don't apologize for the things i do. that upsets me. you're all getting to me too much. all these "sorries" and "i miss yous" are fucking driving me up the wall. i have enough emotion right now, enough thoughts without everyone else telling me all of theirs. and i don't want you to be there "whenever i need something" because that's not going to teach me how to be okay on my own. i still feel like running to you whenever something goes wrong, and i'm tired of it. how about i want someone to NOT listen to me, to just understand that i'm tired of telling everyone how i feel all the time. thanks for being there. i'm sorry for not being a good recipient to friendship. _randi i will save this and all other emails from now on. that, and aim conversations. i'll post mike and my conversation about vanity, sex, and worth in a bit.