i'm not sure about today. my head was on his chest and i could hear his heart pounding. was mine calm? i thought about it, and thought probably not. butterflies were eating away at my stomach lining. i felt sick in the best way. like we were falling at lightspeed upwards. insane. and all i could do was hold on. we stood there for a minute or so. and some funny line from the movie came on, and we both started laughing. desperation. we let go. "you're one of my favourite people," fell out of my mouth. oh god. "you're one of my favourite people, too," was the answer i got. a few pointless words are thrown back and forth, but i can't feel them. i'm still sinking or floating on what he just said. then we're on opposite sides of the door, him staring at me, staring at my cat. "do you feel better?" i almost laughed at that question. "yes." no. not when, after you turn around, i won't see you for two weeks. fuck. i'm stuck here, not able to do anything. i feel good but not good enough to not want to cry. i'm fucking miserable, and he does make it better. but i'm still drowning. i thought i was going to get over this shit by now. but for some reason, it never stops. some falls off, but more piles on. i want to just erase everyone that i don't want. they just clutter up my mind. i want to at least explain to him. but i can't do that either. being honest is asking for pain, so i remain silent. "thank you." i didn't see his response to that, i was still watching my cat sniffing around the screen door. i picked my cat up and watched him walk to his truck. i closed the door before he got in, and listened to the engine start and the truck pull away.