my brain, unused, has lately turned soft. the simplest things confuse me, and i know i have to re-educate myself and learn something quick or i'll be quite gone. i don't like feeling stupid, or even mediocre. i was intelligent once, and now i'm just... typically knowledgeable. typing and spelling errors are occurring more frequently. i'm dumbing down words and sentences for others and thus dumbing down myself. i sometimes wish i never went to ecr in the first place, but then i wouldn't be done with high school, dumb or not, in less than a month. after this i can probably go to college or something for a semester. or at least take a class or something. something, anything, to make my mind work. i've been reading the women's room, and it reminds me of all this. it's a great book. has some concepts that were left behind in the fifties, and should maybe have been kept in the back of our minds. that, and only two can play this game. ramblings of old/dead madpeople. very nice. i guess madness is comfortable for me. i identify and comprehend so well. i guess lately i've been living life in books far too much. need to exert myself, but i don't really know how, or if i want to. lethargy is just easier. i want to love michael. actively love him, not just feel. but make sure he knows. this is too... complicated. everything is, so i give up. but because of this, my mind is turning into soup. one hour a week is far too much television, apparently. i really have to do something about my life. maybe i'll enlist this week. _____________________________________ people- rather, less mature people- seem to like to hurt others for their pain ...anger is just pain... it's hurt transformed into something else ... destruction i suppose . or maybe just a mark of immaturity. i want to say i tend to look down on people that transfer their pain to others. esp. intentionally. for people that can't handle their pain. people like that shouldn't drink i suppose. do i think i'm above others, just because i don't like to hurt someone for making me hurt?