this is a letter i wrote to michael. _____________________________________________ figured if you destroyed my self, (crushed me) at least you couldn't reach my body. drink to get rid of you. erase everything. and i woke up with your name in my arm after an hour almost drowning until the water got cold, i had it reduced to just a raised red mark, no blood, almost no physical pain and i woke up with it there again. i want to be mine again. but i really don't. i want to know the truth? but only if it won't hurt me anymore. or if it will. a lot better or a lot worse. worse is probably easier now. so i want the truth. at least i'm getting what i should. all the things that i had coming to me. i can find some peace in that. a sense of justice that lets me sleep at night. sleep was supposed to be my only escape... but then i dream about you. you said i never told you exactly how i feel. well there it is. i want you out but not as much as i need you in. you hurt me more than you could imagine. and i want so badly to be able to hurt you back. but i don't. so i guess what i want is my own will. i wish a lot of things were never said. wishes are for little kids. i want you to talk to me about me... instead of telling other people things i never imagined you'd think. i don't want pity, i want you. something about why elyse would comfort me. because she'd comfort an animal, something with no notion of why it hurts. she's all compassion, no logic. and i wish i could be her. feminism is so much easier than any of this. you'd think hearing from so many people that i "could do so much better," eventually i'd believe them. but more and more all i could think is you can't improve upon perfection. i don't want better, i want you. ... and she didn't even come close to comforting me. there is no making me any better. or at least not from her. about listening to all the things karen said: i didn't. i heard, but only believed some of it. and it's easier to go off of your word anyways, when you have any to say. but if i'm an idiot for you thinking i believed her, then what about you? you believed i told her you cheated on her with me. how can you love someone you believe to be a hypocrite? i don't believe anything you told me now. because i don't believe, after most of the things you called me, and said about me, that i am even loveable. maybe just another karen. all built on lies. too many contradictions in everything you say or tell people about me. and i don't believe everything they tell me you said. just some of it. enough to want to say it back. i'm not as closedminded as you think/say. i've been waiting to hear your side of all of this. i realize that it is only my view. and my perceptions of reality are often messy at best. you're more than welcome to change my mind, but i'm not sure you even care that much about the whole thing anymore to try. but i love you. and that's how i really feel. sorry i couldn't tell you sooner. sorry it's probably incomprehensible. i would have wanted to tell you this in person, or at least on the phone . but it never would have happened and i can't really voice these thoughts anyways. it's hard enough to ask you the simplest questions. when i get around you i get physically sick. withdrawls. but at least you know. that i'm faltering and can't really function and i like it anyways. that i feel mostly empty except for the pain. that lately i really only think about you, and ways i can either keep you or get rid of you. i've lost most hope and faith. so erasure is my only option unless you tell me otherwise. and you haven't told me otherwise, you've pretty much confirmed it. i could fill my mind with other stupid things, worthless people that have nothing to offer other than compliments to my vanity. it's easy to sleep around, to get drunk every night with a new person that doesn't really give a fuck about me and vice versa. hard to care. but at least eventually i'd forget. or convince myself that i have. i'd probably just be left with a scar on my arm. and vague memories that i push away immediately. even if you and i were only an illusion. it was better than any other reality.