still living out on my own. now its just my boyfriend and I and I couldn't be happier :) he is amazing. wouldn't want it any other way. work sucks most days, i would love a new job, but its a family job so i feel like i cannot quit... until im done with college presuing my new career based on my major. but for now im just taking everything one day at a time. the rest of this year will be a a great one.

i moved out and now live with my boy and two friends. I love it. Im extremely happy and love the way things are going.

So tonight i got into my first car accident when i was driving. im extremely thankful and glad noone got hurt. and it wasnt really an accident more like a bump. i rear ended someone and i hope they dont press charger and make me pay a shit load since there was not really any damage and noone got hurt. driving to my sisters with rosie, red light at kimbal and one car was infront of me and they had noone infront of them. the light turned green, the car infront started going so i hit the gas, they slammed on their breaks and i tried but smacked into them. Green light, and no cars infront of them! wtf!!! i hope they didnt do it on pupose cuz i was close to them, thats fucked. Rosie hit her wrist hard on my dashboard but she says she is fine. We pulled over to switch information and they were asians who didnt talk at all! so i didnt know what was really gonna happen. And of course i have always have my camera in my purse so i got to take pictures which show that no damage. My license plate chipped a little paint on their car, and my license plate now hangs from one side. ughhhh now one more thing to add to my stress that i already have!

wow everything is going great lately. I love it. I am completely happy. :)

so yesterday i turned 20; two decades. Seems like so long, time and days are going by so fast im just trying to live them all to the fullest. At midnight I was suprised by shots by Johnny, Nick, Rosie, Sam, and Olivia. so that was fun right at midnight haveing fun with some friends. Then went to the rincon which was a great day for the beach even though the water was a little cold I always go in. I made a rule over a year ago no matter whats the weather I have to go in the ocean everytime I go to the beach. It pushes me to do it and I never back out. I love to ocean i could never live somewhere where there is no beach. It is my place to get away from it all, my place of relaxing, my perfect place with friends and to spend the day/night. Then at night the girls came over and we cooked an amazing meal and some drinks and just sat in my living room talking for hours. So it was a good day. But trying to live the moment and days to the fulliest has some drawbacks. Which in turn just brings me into debt more, not good. I have tons of bills since lately i've been like fuck it i wanna have fun and go out and do things i wanna do. If its possible to live my life to the fulliest and do things I am. It just sucks that everything cost money and is expensive. I dont work a lot, thats the drawback to working for a family owned business, i will never get fired and I will go to work when i feel like it. Also going to college taking 18 units doesnt help, it wipes me out and just makes me so drained. I'm over school, its so expensive and im just going to the community college for the time being. I racked up one of my four creditcards doing things I wanna do like skydive, went to Jamaica/cayman islands, short weekend road trip to santa cruz, and just the usual going out to eat, going out dancing, and doing pitch ins for drinks at parties. Which it also doesnt help that I pay around 300 dollars a month for bills that include my health insurance, car insurance (which they just raised to 100 a month and i dont kno why i have never been in an accident or gotten a ticket). and phone bill. I need to get back into the swing of things but i really dont wanna grow up. haha But i cant change that so i just got to suck it up and do it.

It has been exactly a year today that I saw your face. Its hard to believe that time is going by so fast. I miss you so much and I still get emotional at the thought of what happened this day last year. What happened to you. These past couple months have been really hard on me but I have been hiding it well. I have been having these reoccuring dreams.Not really dreams I guess I mean im sleeping but its not make-believe. It was REAL this day last year. I just keep reliving it eventime i go to sleep. I just see exactly what happened as if it was going on right now. And this is it: I went to school, on my way to take my math midterm (which was ironic since you were a mathmatician) that I studied so hard for and I got a text from my sister saying Grandpa passed out and she would keep me up dated. I was extremely worried since I didnt know the full details all I knew was that he was passed out and he has a history of strokes. I walk into the "beach" (as they call the LRC with all the computers in it) and go into the first classroom to take my test. As I was taking the test my phone was going off like crazy. I was freaking out, and I couldn't check it. So I just turned in my unfinished test and left. I looked at my phone and i sank. You were dying and I needed to get to the hosipital right away to say my goodbyes. I try calling my sister, my mom, my aunt anyone but the connection was not going thru. I didnt know where to go, what hospital you were at. I start walking fast with tears running down my face trying to be unnoticable to everyone walking around the college. Trevor spotted me and knew something was wrong, I told him and he walked me to my car and offered to drive. I told him no I just needed to find where it was. I got ahold of my dad who just kept trying to calm me down and told me he was at one in Camarillo. I speed off trying to find it, mind I do not know my way around Camarillo. I then found it and asked every nurse to point me into the right direction. I finially see some family (on my dad's side) in the waiting room. Then I walk through the set double doors then into his room. Everyone that could be there was there. My sister, mom, aunt, cousins, step-uncle/step-aunt, step-cousins my grandma. and in the middle of everyone standing around was my grandpa laying on the bed with tubes in his mouth. His face was pale, blue and a little of purple, he had some blood as well. I touched his arm which was freezing. and the doctor said it was time, he wasnt gonna make it and they were gonna "pull the plug". His heart rate was still going but barely, they turned off the machines and then pulled the huge tube out of his throat. I watched it all, I could not believe this was happening and i couldn't turn away. once the tube was all the way out he let out this huge gasp which made everyone jump. the doctor said it was the air being released from the tube and it wasnt him comming to life. It was hard seeing my grandma, she has altimzers and kept running out of the room so sad, then comming back in seeing grandpa then saying " whats wrong with leo? why is he so cold? dont leave me!" It was horrible. So this is my dream that keeps replaying and now today is the day last year you passed. I miss you and Love you always. You had a brain anerism, and passed out on the floor, grandma with her altimzers thought you were taking a nap. Her brain is completely gone these days and couldn't help you. I wish she could have. Stephaine (my cousin) called that morning since she wanted to visit and Grandma said you were taking a nap on the floor. She knew something was wrong and raced over with uncle Rod to try and help. But there was nothing they could do. Your brain was filling up with blood so fast. You were the one always looking out for Grandma and never enough time to look out for yourself. I miss you and love you, I have been pretty sick this week but I am going to visit you. R.I.P Grandpa Leo Cook. 3/12/2008

I love my friends, they are the best people in the world! These past couple weeks have been non-stop fun, and it will continue to be amazing! Some of them i have known since i was 4 and some i have known for just a couple years. But we are able to fit together and be a great group. I am completely blessed. Also even though it still is the begining of the year it seems like it is going extremely fast. I turn 20 in two weeks!

so by me trying to do the RIGHT thing and help a friend, i lost another one in the process. i DIDNT betray you, i DIDNT choose this friend over you, i DIDNT fuck you over things are still fine, i DIDNT pick sides, i DIDNT mean to hurt your feelings, i just did something you should have done over a YEAR ago. i STILL consider you as my best friend, i STILL care about you, i DONT have anything against you, i KNOW your upset, i HOPE you wont block me out of your life completely, THIS has been our first argument or whatever you want to call it after being friends for over TEN years, this has been EXTREMELY hard on me whether you believe it or not, i AM really sorry. Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, Easy for me. It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain't easy, Easy for me. And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. Ohhh Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm) Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm) Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm) Sorry

i never re-read my entries. since most of the time i only write them in the first place if im upset. So they all sound depressing and like i have a shitty life. But i re-read my completely un-complete and wow. i can remember every feeling, the moment when i wrote that. but yes in that change it brought hard times. but in the end i am completely content. things are going fine with me. its a change but im ok with that. i have been looking back on the past couple years and noticeing changes in my life, changes in myself and i do say i think i have grown up the most in the past two years so far. i'm happy with that, i like who i am and i know im just going to be growning more day by day and my new experiences along the way. the only thing i really really really miss which i have been thinking about so much lately are my friends i havent seen or kept in contact with lately. looking thru old photos and seeing the old good times and just how everyone was and thinking who they are now. i miss so many people mostly the kids that i would be with everyday at school, after school the weekends. Im sorry if i slipped out for a little bit. You all know i care about you so much. i hope to be seeing you soon. I am trying to get incontact and just keep in touch with my loves.

well what to say, havent been on here in quite awhile. nothing really going on that makes me want to vent here. i've been doing so by painting, running, or taking a long drive all while blasting my music. but here it goes. i am actually really happy. no me and joey are not together but im completely fine with that. it was ment to happen. we are still close friends and hangout and talk here and there but things are just good. i mean if i heard or saw him dating another girl i would be happy for him. i mean yea i would probably compare myself to her and be like why her, what makes her special to you. but thats only cuz we were together for almost 4 years. but i would be fine with that. so looking back at everything im extremely happy, im doing things now that i normal would not since i would never partake in activities he once didnt want to do. and now im the one drinking at the parties not being the DD since i dont have to take him home at a certain time. i mean im not saying he held me back, im just saying im breaking thru my shell. i've been getting closer with all my friends that i have had and making more. some friends i wish i was closer with but they have their own things going on but i wont give up. and im happy with being single. really. i mean yea here and there i miss the kisses, cuddling and just that feeling of being with someone but i am fine with just being with myself and the friends that i love. people come up and say things to me like ohhh how are you doing, are you still heartbroken.,... etc.. and no matter what i tell them if its yes im fine, im really content they never seem to believe me since they just go well im here for you, you know. i know its hard. and on the inside i just laugh and go ok fine dont believe me. others think its too weird that we are still friends which i think is crazy. of course we are. there is no way i think i could ever be with someone and fall in love with them for about 4 years of my life. a main part of my life and then when it ends just forget and ignore them. they were in my life so close for so long for a reason. why would i throw that friendship away. but overall. im extremely content. life is going pretty well.

completely washed up, completely beat down. i cant seem to find a balance. it seems as if i always lose when i didnt notice there even was a chance to win. i just wanted a balance. something to stay connected and leveled. not something to tip completely to one side so fast i was getting thrown in the air. like a teter-totor except only staying down on one side.. . . for long periods of time. completely drained. tired to keep going. it is so hard fighting for what you want when you seem to be the only one that cares. nothing-ness. hopeless. wondering why even try, why not give up and see how life goes without it. doubting myself to be ok then, giving up on myself before i give it a chance. i like change but not so drastic. it is to intense. my mind wanders trying to connect the dots even when they are not even there to begin with. i like movement into change, not pushed and pulling into life drastic change. and only change for the best. never the worst. even though it happens sometime. even when i take a step back, soar above everything and take a birds eye view nothing changes, i just see it, the same actions just from a different angle. i close my eyes trying to see what might have been if it was, somethings seem like it would have been nicer that way, but it was in my mind. . . what i wanted to see. i open them, fall back into the uncomplete-ness. sink in and sigh.

over it. driving around for the past two hours always gets me thinking to clear my head.

so my long entry didnt save so i'll try to re-do it in a nut shell since i dont feel like writing the whole thing again. so my cousin had her baby, Cody James, on May 1st 2008. in a nut shell: the shoulders and chest were too big so the doctor panicing broke his arm. so that was the first thing they heard before even seeing their babay was teh arm breaking. The the doctor without my cousins concent gave the baby morphine. then tried to change his shirt 2 days after the breaking of the arm and the morphine and well yanked his little arm and re-broke it. then more morphine. and my cousin flipped out went to the head of doctors trying to get a new night doctor since she didnt trust her with her baby since she broke the amr twice and kept putting it in meds without consent. and the head doctor said that she was the highest qualified! THIS IS AT SAINT JOHNS... Dont go there. i have been sick really bad for over the past week, i have no voice and everything. it interfereed with my finals and i couldn't even finish one. not good. then today joey and i almost broke up cuz of an arguement. he said that he would call me last night and try to come and see me since he has been out with friends and hasnt even tried to come over since i have been sick. and he's going to parties as usual without me but yet he gets all mad when i say that cuz to him he is juts hanging out with friends not partying, yet they are drinking getting wasted, smoking pot, and some are doing e, shrooms, and other drugs im not ok with. if that isnt a party then what the fuck is. i never go with him to parties since i am never invited since his friends hate me as he told me, which they dont kno me or have given me the chance so i dont ssee how that is possible. but i think its cuz his gay friend has expressed to other how much he wishes my bf was gay so he could fuck him and all this other stuff in detail that makes me sick even typing... so yea he never called or came over cuz he was with his friends. so i was annoyed. cuz i put in effort to this relationship and he never does, then he goes on to how he wants to change his life and try to find himself and doesnt know if i would like what he might do.... so im like uhm are you saying you want to break up? and he;s like no but you might not liek to what i might become. so i said if he started doing shit i wasnt ok with then i would step up but in the mean time i was always tehre for him. so i guess im giving him space now and he is acting like im controlling cuz i apparently give a negative feel when he goes out and "parties" which i didnt kno thats what controlling is, cuz i dont tell him what he can or cant do, or who he can and cannot hangout with, so thats bullshit. im annoyed feel really sad and like shit cuz i dont kno whats gonna happen, i mean i have been with him for over 3 years and we have been through so much so its hard hearing him and seeing what he is doing with his like... This is what he has done so far: still no car, i drive him everywhere he needs to be or wants to go,. he dropped out of Ventura College and claims he will go back soon but im not sure if he will. we'll see. and he just quit his job and has no desire or has started looking for a new one. so yea dont kno what his going to do with his life or how he is gonna get money or what. i just dont like being cut out and as if i dont matter. it sucks, this sucks,

this thing sucks, i just wrote the longest thing in the world and it just kicked me off saying i had to sign back in and it didnt even save it. ugh!!!!

well yesterday was horrible. i went to school and i have a math exam at 11:30. i got a text at about 10 from my sister telling me that my grandpa passed out and she would keep me updated. so i was worried that something bad happened. so while im taking my exam, my phone goes off with ten texts from my sister so i turned in my test and left. the test said lauren call me, call me, hurry, grandpa died! were rushing to the hospital. i start freaking out trying to get to my car fast and contain my tears. but then i saw trevor and he knew something was wrong and i broke down. he offered to drive me to camarillo to the plesant valley hospital cuz i didnt kno where it was at but i said it was fine if i went alone. i get there and finally find my grandpa with a tube in his mouth and his eyes open. the machine was pumping oxgyen into his lungs. it turns out he had a brain aneurysm which means that the blood vessels in his brain burst and he died instantly. i watched as the doctors pulled the plug and removed the tube from his mouth, his body was cold, face purple, eyes bright blue, lips bloody, body looked smaller and shrunken. it was so sad. this is body spazzed but the doctor said it was the oxegyn from the machine coming out. what was worse is that my grandma has altimers and she didnt know what was going on, and kept asking every 5 mins, if he died why was it him, she will never be able to live without him, what is she going to do, then she would sob her heart out, touch him, talk to him, and then leave cuz she was so upset, but then return and start the questions all over again. is heartbreaking and i miss him and love him.

things are going pretty good i guess, im making new friends, hanging out with more people and joey and i are wonderful. i swear that boy makes me so incredibly happy. school is being school, its hard for me to stay motivated. im glad spring break is coming up but it seems like i should take off a semester or something, i feel if i dont i will get burnt out. but if i do that it will take longer to get all my credits and finish school once and for all. ugh to many years of school thats all i have to say about that. but other than that im pretty much a happy camper.

So its a word I hear almost everyday and it is a word that I use almost everyday. I don't know why but it is very hard for me to stay concentrated on things that I don't personally find interesting, more like homework. Like now I am supposed to be writing a three page R/A paper due tomorrow and a test in Business Communications. At least I get my test back from Human Sexuality, I think i Aced it. I needf to really be more focused, well see if it really happens though.

So basically my cat that i have had since i was 2 now has a huge tumor the size of my palm. So we are giving him meds. and everything but the vet said that if it doesnt go down at all then his leg has to be aputated, but my parents dont want to pay and we dont want him to suffer so therefore if it comes down to that we are just gonna put him down. its really sad and depressing, but i know that its better than him to be hurt. he's so old.

Well, Well, Well, here I am once again, schools is begining to be a problem since im taking 5 classes that all happen on the same days and I have so much shit and projects due on the same days for different classes. Its taking so much time out of my life and it's taking so much effort. I have been having the hardest time concentraiting on school hense me writing this right now. Good news is that I am hopefully going to be promoted to full time assistant manager instead of what I am now which is part-time assistant manager. I would get more money and more hours which is great considering that i need that bad. My car has been causing me problems. I know i bought it cheap but having to pay almost 2,000 for just car repairs and adding up. and now I have a leak somewhere so when it was raining i was creating a pool on my backseat floor! My driving window now wont go down, and on the passanger side the paint is chipping off extremely fast, and when it was raining lately now it rusting. Bassically it is taking me forever to save up money and this whole car situation is making matter worse.

its hard living everyday in the present when you have had so much hurt and pain from the past that still seems like it is effecting you. even though somethings happened about a year ago the pain never seems to go away. well it went away but i never stop being reminded. it sucks. so i need to really settle down and realize that i am lucky right now and if something shitty happens then it will and ill get over it. even though it could effect me drasticly in the future i just got to get over it and be happy with how things are in my life right at this point and not take it for granted.