haven't been taking a lot of drugs lately. just had a spliff and bill gave me the last bit of his soap. had a bit of ketamine on thursday before i went to see reverend horton heat in london. last friday i had a load of coke when i went to see the dark night. and a hit of speed, a few spliffs, half a bottle of gin and a bit of k. i need to get over my needle fixation. haven't had heroin for a few weeks. not really feeling it since alby jalby OD'd and me and mcgurk saved him. well, mostly mcgurk, i was a little panicky at the time. i don't really like chasing smack, it don't have much of an effect on me. i like gauching out. still, not really keen on it since what happenned.

so it's been a year and a day since i wrote in this thing, and this is what i have to say: a month, a week and a day later and it would seem it's too late. funny how exactly a year and a day after my last entry things have gone awry and the now is completely different to the then. i had this kind of poem in my head that i wanted to put into words but it seems to have slipped my mind. i love kate. i never stopped loving her. and like i said, it seems too late. we've both changed in a month and 9 days. she's more independent and strong willed, though she's grown bitter and cynical since i practically jilted her. i've become less of a cold, hard bastard, more of a soft touch really. she told me that when she told her mother about us splitting up, her mother started crying, said it felt like losing a son. well to me it felt like losing a mother of sorts. stupid. i got a double sailor jerry's and orange poured over my head last night, by duncan, because he's in love with kate and i broke her heart. turns out i broke my own heart too. THIS IS GOING FUCKING NOWHERE. these are just words and they don't mean anything. in a wood-chip shot attack, if i was a little less demonic would you take me back? into your arms, or will i stay in eternal expectation? make yourself a little declaration. i wish i'd written that. i didn't though. NOBODY is going to read this. i bet nobody even remembers me.

no complaints! =D things are going really well with kate and oakford and i have 2 full time employers interested in me and i've found people to share a house with. i'll be sharing a house with 3 girls. i'll sort of be the opposite of meg, sharing with 3 boys. anyway, the 2 employers are virgin mobile (who are calling me today some time to let me know whether i've got the job - if i get offered one at quicksilver, i'll take that instead). the three girls are my friend katie and her friends sophie and vicki. oakford last night: i was at kate's until about midnight last night, but i stopped off at the oakford to see if i could get or make change for the bus home. turns out, i'd completely forgotten em's leaving do. i stayed, had a drink. tom and claire were totally shickered. and the best tune, the idea doesn't sound too hot, but smashing pumpkin's 1979 with a bit of the specials too much too young mixed in to it. olly is a GENIUS. missed my last bus by a minute. so i shared a taxi past cemetary with olly and only had a 15 - 20 minute walk home. got home at 3 this morning, ate, got to bed by 3:30. adventures!! : P

i went to the oakford yesterday to check out some of the like live music and such, while kate and freya were in oxford seeing the fratellis. i stayed for one acoustic act, this dude playing proper cockney style music, songs like 'terri the tattooed man' and 'i'm a forgetful man'. i finished my pint and went home. we have my luminaries next sunday, i'll definately check them out. gotta be better than terri the tattooed man. my earlobe has reached about 18mm, i only have a 14mm plug though, so i'm thinking of just getting it stretched to 20mm next week. problem is the 10 quid for a flesh tunnel. not a problem as such, just don't like spending money all the time, i'm meant to be saving. and i have to borrow some money from my mom this week for wednesday, otherwise i won't have the funds to go to camden AND get fucked at the 'this is war' gig. i'm buying a new bag today. i'll keep my old bag, i want to use the pvc spikes to make some kind of installation, i'm also gonna use my old pvc trousers. [armed to the teeth with teeth] : P

i hardly see the point in leaving an entry today, as i have really nothing to say. dammit, that rhymed, and in a particularly lame way. : P

when is it socially acceptable to say 'i love you'?

i got my septum pierced today. it hurt so bad i cried. : P

tonight is the vip opening party at the oakford social club, the new pub in reading where i work. i'm going to be fucking exhausted at college tomorrow! : P

essentially, i'm seeing someone 7 years older than myself. my mother isn't happy about me seeing a 25 year old. i'm pretty happy though, and surely that's what matters? incidentally, it's not because she's older and that makes it cool,.i really really like her and we have a lot in common. : P

part ONE. i refer to the use of illicit substances as 'abuse', because quite frankly, no matter what the extent, it is. pardon me for not jumping on the junk bandwagon and rendering myself in need of rehabilitation. i may not be fucking up my own life, but through the use of those substances, i have ruined other peoples affairs, some of my very close friends, as it were. so poser, you say? i think not, though even if it happens to be true, at least i'm not a total fucking loser. to be put bluntly, you, the fucking scourge of this world, have no right whatsoever to judge me. ******* part TWO. was it the hair? was it the steve irwin jokes? whatever it was, i didn't happen to get that which i percieve to be the ideal job, the perfect job especially for me. but i'm happy for claire that she got the job. she'll probably be better at it than me anyway.

i feel fucked. i have a new favourite drug. i stayed at festival for 2 and a half days. i want to see pearl jam, who are on very soon. how depressing. i'm getting tix for next years fest, but it just won't be the same. i plan to deal to make money for fest next year. i've recently acquired all of the lenore graphic novels. actually, i've only got wedgies, but noogies and cooties should be here tomorrow. actually, that's ok, cos wedgies is the one with the strip where lenore goes, 'fishies go pook pook pook'. i'm currently sort of scared to commit to any type of relationship, because, well, i feel like all of my relationships, friendships and all, seem to be going to hell. i'm listening to sonic youth. earlier i was listening to a girl band called robots in disguise. i really like them. i'm getting into the whole indie scene type thing. maybe that's the direction i'll end up taking my re-invention in. i don't know what's going on with a girl that i'm not actually sure whether or not i'm officially seeing now. i have a crush on someone else. i shared an amazing experience with a friend who i bond with a little more every time i do spend time with him. i feel horrible, because i didn't explain the downsides to extacy, and i didn't know it was his first, but by the time i'd found out, he'd already done 5 pills. i chewed out half of the inside of my left cheek that night. i snorted half a pill yesterday. before i went to bed. i started coming up in bed, so it sucked. the guy said it was called a '60's x-box', a triangle pill with an x in the middle. i still have some gear to smoke. it was worth a fortune this weekend, the festival was VERY dry in terms of cannibus. but i kept it and i shared some of it with some new people who i like very much now. i've been very depressed lately. i can't wait to get back to college and for life to return to normalcy. is there such a thing as normalcy? i don't see the merit in carrying on, but i'm also curious to see what i can make of the hand i've been dealt. it's a shit hand. we're talking, uh, a 2 of clubs, a 3 of hearts, a 7 of hearts, a 9 of diamonds and a king of spades. a pretty shit hand. actually, that kind of defeats the object of me re-inventing myself. i guess in a sense, i've folded that hand and i'm waiting to be dealt a new hand. christ, i can't think straight. i might have a bit of a smoke later. i'm tempted to ask my sister to join me, but i think she's a bit prudish. my family are going to brighton tomorrow. i can't be fucked to spend 4 hours in a car with my mom and stepdad arguing all the way there and back. i'd love to go to brighton though. maybe i'd see pete. simone'll get a picture of him and make me jealous. ah well. i'm still not going. family outings with my family are crap. well, usually fairly crap anyway. : P

i am the cunt. and given half a chance and a bottle of jack, i will ruin our friendship. your timing is impeccably dire. as is mine, apparently.

this was me earlier today. : P

weekend at kirsty's, friday night went out, good good good. ! : P

this weekend is bulldog bash weekend. abandoned. Venomous voice, tempts me, Drains me, bleeds me, Leaves me cracked and empty. Drags me down like some sweet gravity. lonely. bored. need a cigarette. a straight, not a rolly. don't have anyone. anything to do. cunt. : P

i have nothing to do :( but i should be getting a new tattoo soon! i just have to save up a little bit, cos it'll be about £100 and i have about £70 a big TR for 'the rejected' suck on that : P

tonight, tim (a 30 year old virgin), a youth worker and a leader of his church, attempted to run me over in his car, as well as distracting my foster mother (best friend's mother) whilst she was driving, by attempting to squirt her with a water pistol through the open passenger window. such are the antics that occur as a result of the church's 'seek and soak' contest. i won't explain what a seek and soak is. if you've heard of it, you'll undoubtedly understand how and why such antics occur. wish kyle's mom luck!! : P

my weekend took a turn for the worst when i got arrested at around 01:45 AM on sunday! after losing my temper as a result of being bullied by my girlfriend's brother, i left their house and walked around for four hours, cooling down, in which time helen (my gf), had run around searching for me everywhere! when i got back, i lost my temper again after helen had informed me that her family had expected an apology. i got into an extremely heated argument with both of her parents regarding the disgusting state of their home and the fact that they have done a horrendous job raising their children. helen was off to the side crying, i went after her and she took me by the hand and we started walking away, deciding that it would be best to stay away from this confrontation. her father, however, the dumb fucking sonofabitch that he is, decided to follow us, thusly bringing the confrontation to us. when he had caught up with us, he was on his mobile telephone, speaking to his wife. walking just a couple of feet behind me, he was talking obviously loud enough for me to overhear the things he was saying about me: "i'm going to catch that devious little bastard, that son of a bitch isn't going to steal my daughter." and other such atrocities. this was an obvious taunt, to which i responded by turning around and pushing him back, as if to say, 'step back motherfucker.' i took a swing at him and missed. still on the phone to his wife, he began to laugh mockingly, and said, "haha, he missed me, cath!" and as a result of this taunt, i took several more swings, though in the furious state that i was in, hard to say whether i connected and where. after this, i pushed him down and he pulled me onto the ground with him. i, however, simply wanted to get away from this confrontation, as i had already had run-ins with john q. law! in attempt to get myself on my feet, i inadvertently stood on the old man. helen and i walked a few feet and i shouted back, "you're fucking with the wrong white south african boy!" several minutes later, police pulled up to us on the side of the road and arrested me. i later discovered that the old man claimed i had kicked him whilst he was down, and had simply left out all of his taunting and intimidation when the police had asked him for a statement. the family once again expects an apology. apology for an attack that was instigated by the family themselves? i say they can fuck themselves to hell. : P

i've just written a song in my head, bass, drums, guitar and horns/strings (there's different versions). it's a reggae instrumental called lazy sunday afternoon, and it's so good (in my mind), that it's now stuck in my head. GODDAMN, i wanna jam right now, just wanna get lazy sunday afternoon out of my head and make it an actual song. think of it as a specials-esque instrumental chillout. : P

cyber-mermaid hair me!!! was ok while it lasted, but my hair is black again, has been for a few weeks now. cyber-mermaid only lasted about a week anyway. was an awesome colour. meant to be royal blue, came out green/aqua. getting the hair cut on saturday morning too. not short, just... shorter than it is... much shorter :P later days : P