Listening to: Sugarcult: counting stars
miserable and peeling. i really need to actuallly listen to all the cds robyn let me rip. so today wont revolve around friends or "friends" for that matter. at this point, she's sort of someone to watch out for, ignore and talk to. i can't stand it. goddamn you. seriously. i have a feeling that i'll be spending my day all alone. with the exception of evil shit brother tony, but can he really be considered company?? he'll probably go to my dads and i will spend all the time alone here at my house until mom gets back then she will want me to eat again and hang out with her. i had a freaky dream. for some reason i was at jordans house, but it looked like my dead grandmas house... and jordans hair was all long and really ugly, but his dad was being really nice to meand asking me questions, and jordan sat on the couch just watching me. i know there was a nother dream an di have vague flashes of waht it was... but i honestly can't remember it. odd. this is really wierd for me. i want to eat really bad, but at the same time, the thought makes me sick... i don't ever feel like this. but then i guess it's got quite a bit to do with life at the moment. cursed beloved amy lee has made me this way. with help from jt and gerard. i lvoe you all, but i also hate you. ysterday, besides the fact that i was wearing a skirt, i felt like i was dressed as a lie. i know its dumb. i was wearing bright turqoise blue, and i didnt feel like my self at all. i had to take my rubberbands off and wear a nice necklace and do my hair. i did not feel like myself at all. general comfort to me is jeans, one of my biggish shirts to me, or one of the black ones... and my flipflops or "sk8r" shoes. my black vans are my salvation. and yesterday i was just wearing these horrible white sparkly flip flops. i seriously wanted to die at many points yesterday. i'm less afraid. my eyes always feel heavy now too, like all i want or can do is sleep. i like it but i hate it. i dont watch tv anymore. i can't write poems worth shit anymore, arjay is being... i dont even really want to talk about arjay at the moment. it makes me sick to my stomach. seriously. i can't write worth shit at all anymore. my diary entries are spacey and i KNOW i keep getting distracted from it and thinking about something else. i fucking want to go to warped tour next week. since i cant go to fucking arkansas, i wnat to go to warped. at least there, there will be plenty of places to go, and lots of sexy screaming people. matt... jt... dex... gerard... and more. when i found out who was going to be there, i decided that if i did one cool thing all summer, that had to be it. and judging by lately, my summer is going to suck ass all the way through. its half over, and not once have i ahd a chance to talk to jordan. as figured my brother just called my dad. yip. now either he's leaving or going to piss at me about not being able to get ahold of him. sometimes i hate them all. and if i havent called jordan... i dont think i'm supposed to. i'm just supposed to fucking forget about it all, cause myself more hurt to forget that hurt. (pause) let arjay do whatever the fuck it is she's doing. if i can't convince myself he is either all good or all bad there is something seriously fucked up there. the world is fucked up though so i can't exactly do much there. i think i might eat then go back to sleep.
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