I WANNA FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL i find it rather entertaining... aren't grandmothers supposed to be the people that encourage you not to do bad thigns and keep you a kid? well i guess mine is a bit off color. because... well... leave it to my grand mother to get you buzzed. i'm serious. she drinks which is of course horrible because (i think) she is baptized lds and we live in utah. so she's going to "purgatory" anyway. but it his hilarious... because even more so than my mom when she and joan used to go buy booze and sit at the kitchen table drinking it and playind dice games till 1 in the morning... my grandmother has exposed me to alcoholic beverages... hee hee. let's count... rum... whiskey... taquila... kahlua... yeah... so she fixes herself a rum and coke (or two or three) every night... and tony likes to have a few swallows before we go to sleep. well today as she fixed herself a rum and coke, she made tony a white russian (kahlua & milk) and offered me a taste of this premixed margarita mix(rum and all) well i sampled it on a spoon and it was quite tasty, so she gave me some in a little plastic cup. and since there is the alcohol already in it and it was in the freezer, it was like a slushie. so good. sweet at first then tart and satisfying at the end witha not too bad aftertaste. but... i think i finished it off a little to quickly because i felt a little dizzy so i said i think i need to eat somethign then i got cold chicken out of the fridge. i've downed three rootbeers too. but yeah... i have only definitely gotten buzzed once before... and now i am drowsy and headachy... and my eyes hurt. not really like cry hurt... well yes because they are always cry hurty... but more like sleepy hurty. love ya grandma. it just really makes me laugh that my own grandmother gives me booze.. even though she does go "your mother'd kill me if she knew i'd let you have this" she still lets us have it anyway. it was really good to. maybe i'll get a spoon out in the middle of the night and go get some... if i ever get to sleep. well... i've written alot w/o talking about jordan. not like ineed to... i always want to. but i know i've already said MORE than enough about him here. but you know what? i really really don't care. i talked to nobody today. it is very strange having no contact with people outside of my family. no jordan... no arjay.. no tasha... no robyn. haven't talked to robyn for a while anyway. there is a really sad looking picture of arjay on tagged. i wonder if she took it herself. it is sad but good. i should feel bad for her. but i don't because she won't be totally honest with me. i mean... i think scott knows more than me. i am pretty damn sure paulie does since yeah... but i still want to know... and i... i had a really good dream last night it was a dance... and all very real to me in a way... and when it got to be time to choose a partner, jordan is right there by me, he grabs my hand and drags me out to the dance floor where everyone else is slow dancing, then he grabs my hand really tight... and with that i realized oh my god this is only a dream... and i started crying in my dream... and... still dreaming he is there next to me telling me not to cry that it will all be okay kissing my head, kissing me, tellign me he loves me...that it will be real... and it kills me that i know i am dreaming. i really hate when it happens to you when something really good is happening. so many good things ahve been happening in my dreams lately... and it is killing me. yeah.. uh yesterday night... as i sat in my room sort of half crying and singing hawthorne heights in my head... i pulled out the nail clippers... the infamous nail clippers... i had a bite of some kind on my left wrist... took the clippers and clipped it off. boy oh boy did it bleed satisfyingly. enough that when i put my mouth to it and sucked... i could definitely taste the blood. i got up and went to watch myself suck my blood in the mirror. my tongue was really red. and today it doesn't look too bad. i also took a safety pin and tried to poke it through my skin too...b ut all i got was the top couple layers adn barely broke the skin. but it is all red and peely like a sunburn or brick scratch. but it is fulfilling to me. there is physical pain again. somethign to numb. like i said yesterday. i put mentholatum and triple antibiotic on them both like four times and have hydrogen peroxided the hell out of them. haha. i do want to reduce the scars. my concealer really hides them well. it was so weird to look at my wrist and not see those scars. they are still bulgy and shiny...b ut they are fading just a little. in a way i want htem gone but in a way i dont... i can't let myself forget. never. OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we went to dee's for dinner. OMFG there was a hot guy as our waiter. i missed eye color but i caught everythign else. brownish/blackish/reddish hair, eyeliner/mascara baggytight black zipper pants white button down shirt and really weird tie, peircings, and bright goldishorange nail polish. drool. arjay'd kill me. liz was mad at me cuz i was texting her about it during dinner. sexy sexy ryan... besides the booze... definitely the up point of my day.