I have fallen over again. I have slipped into the hand of darkness. I don't know which way is up, I have let myself fall back to the bad side of myself... A month and a half of nothing and then I screw up and then I do it again, I can't fucking stand myself. I started to get into burning to....not with fire but with REALLY hot water, lol, I tried it with fire and that leaves marks and I don't want to get caught. so I turn my water on all the way to the left (hot) nad let it run over my hands till I can't take it but the thing is....it feels cold to me for a while so by the time I actually feel the pain, my hands are beat red..it is kinda fun to see how long I can stand it. Okay, I am really messed up but ehh, I deserve all the pain that this fucked up life can offer. I hate myself...with a fucking passion Yeah, so I haven't been on since friday... Friday Jeff and Trey came over. It was SO much fun! All day and night (until about 2 am) me and Jeff were cuddling. It was fun. I LOVE to cuddle with people and not have them think..oh see wants to do something. Me and Jeff haven't seen each otherin SO long! And I kept hugging him bc it is going to be a REALLY long ass time till I see him again! I love him SO much! And he introduced me to Theater of Tragedy!! They fucking kick ass! Sat they went home and I had to baby sit my teacher's daughter Katie. She is in my little brother's class and she is SUCH a pain. But I ate their food and watched tv for 11 hours and got 50 bucks for it! ROCK ON! lol. But today, I don't know where it is...my check is prolly on my dresser...but if it isn't than...umm....yeah, not the first time I fucking lost money...bc I am SUCH a freakin dumbass..anyways, so I got home at midnight and my family went to the movies...err, rather jealous bu hey, I got money, it's all good, lol. so they came home at about....1:30 Sunday, I honestly don't remember what I did, I was prolly jst sitting home or cleaning, lol. Monday.......VERY bad day, SUCH a roller coaster! I TOTALLY forgot that I had to go to court so I missed school. I missed my last day of review for sitting in a fucking court house from 8:30-about 1. I was suppose to testify that Joel broke his restraining order and I didn't. Which I am kind of glad about bc I don't like talking in front of a huge group of ppl that I don't know :/ But anyways. I was rather calm going into the court house and my mom was tweaking! But by the time our names were called, I was SO nervous. Then I was pissed me my mom told the judge that he hit her and not EVEN 2 seconds later the judge said that there was no need for a restraining order. But then he had go wait again bc there was another case about him breaking his restraining order (there was 2-one for his restraingin order to try to continue it and another bc he broke it) But all he got was a 150 dollar fine! WTF?! He hits my mom and the is NO fucking restraining order anymore?!?!?! The judge must have been on fucking DRUGS when he was there!!! Yesterday....I was pissed off all day, didn't sleep the night B4 bc I can't stand lieing to my mom. Yeah, I didn't tell her about me and Cai...well, not much really. And everyday it has been eating at me since we first talked about it. So yeah, when I got home from school, I went into my kitchen and started to cut...but I stopped bc I don't think that ppl would want me 2 do it (well so they say :/) and my mom would be upset. So there is barely a mark, just a little red, no blood this time (yall that care-your lucky) So I realized I had to tell me mom everything...so I did. And now she is like, I am upset that you lied and that you cut but I understand the sex. So yeah, I might not be able to go to Sarah's, even if she lets me, I have no ride so...ermm..yeah. Today-I feel better today bc I told my mom what I have been wanting to say for the past week. And I have to go see my counsiler's..score for me! And I am doing this really awesome spell, I have to go buy some candles, lol. It is like a multi-purpose spell or something, I read it and it seems to be JUST what I need sooo, I am fixing it a bit 2 fit me and doing it tonight when the sun is away and the moon is bright. Okay, well I have written WAY more than enough so I will talk to yall sometime. Oh yeah, and I wrote be able to check this or my email or my LiveJournal or anything for a while...prolly not until mid-July bc I don't have the internet at my house and I am going to NY mid-July. But I will try to get a friends computer or go to the town library sometime and update if I can. See ya. -kimmi