I constantly wonder why we can't be stable Are we not trying hard enough or will we never be able I just know we are both miserable How can we smile when we're always crying Our relationship has dealt with leaving, cheating, and lying I think it's been hurt so bad, it's slowly dying I feel we are living a life of pretend Because we will eventually part in the end And I will be no more but a distant friend But when I look at you I wish there were something I could do To make these assumptions untrue Because I love you and you love me So that should be enough to make us happy But the fact is, our love doesn't mean that we're meant to be As long as I can, I will hold on Because when we break, my heart will be gone For once in my life, I pray to God I'm wrong This entry is about the destruction of me and Captain Kirk. Try and keep up, because this is a lot of bullshit and drama. The week that I graduated, Kirk broke up with me, because his "friends" told him a bunch of lies about me and some kid. I started staying at my sister's house for sancuary, I guess. I meant this kid who we will call Swing. He had the most heart n soul I've ever seen in anyone. I don't really think we ever got past the friend statis though. This guy showed mad respect for me, and we could hold awesome conversations. He ended up moving, and I hung out with him once after that. We just talked on the phone a lot. Kirk was trying to get back with me too. I was trying to be strong, but it didn't work. I saw him at Drama's B-Day party, and my heart dropped. I started crying, and he was crying (we were both a little smashed though too). We ended up getting back together a couple days later just to have more problems thrown at us. This 15 yr. old girl, Lyssa, decided to act like a hard ass and pull a knife on one of my boys. Me and Drama was in a rage about it. Drama's brother was trying to calm us down when Lyssa started calling up people to come beat our asses. I got in her face, and we were screaming at each other. This little bitch had the nerve to grab my face, and swing but hit Drama. Drama slammed her in the teeth and tried pulling me away. Then Lyssa yelled, "I could kill both you bitches at the same time." Drama just let me go, and was like, "BEAT HER ASS." So I did until the cops came to the rescue. Drama's brother got Rodney King'd, and I got drug to a police car like I was resisting arrest or something, but Lyssa got jack shit. she got treated like a little princess when she was drunk and had drugs on her, but you can bet your ass, me and Drama's brother was searched and shit. Dirty Cops! When the cops asked her what started it, she told then it was, because she was messing with my man. Hell No! If I would've known that she would have got more then what she did. The conclusion of that was I had a choice of jail or $800 fines. Fines please! Drama's brother got thrown in jail for a night and $700 fines for nothing at all. I didn't believe that shit Lyssa said about Kirk, because what other way to piss a girl off but through her man. But was he there for me when I got home. Nope! that's when he started changing like crazy. We all went back to Drama's that night, and I heard Kirk was at Lyssa's house. I snapped and dumped him of course. Cheating is a huge no-no. I couldn't believe that it was with her though, a 15 yr. old skanky slut. She has screwed every guy in my town, so why not add another one. Then we talked, he told me that he stayed at the hood that night but stayed at her house the next night ( supposively because his brother was tapping it). Kirk ended up putting this girls head through a wall for talk shit too. HaHa! He said he never messed with her though, and that he hated her. During this talk I found out that he went out with me at first to make Drama jealous and that he liked her. Try dealing with that. I know he loves me now, but damn....my best friend. That crushed me, but I know it was hard for him to tell me. He acts like he hates her now, because he sees her as my sneaky little side kick in crime. Little by little my heart felt like it was melting. We did get back together though. Nieve, I Know! Then he dumped my ass again. WTF!!! People were talking shit on him to me, and I told him about it. He snapped and dumped me saying he couldn't take everyone talking shit. That's when I was like "Fuck guys and love." The problem was his closest friends wanted to get with me after that. Me and Drama's brother (Kirk's Best Friend) almost got the hook up, Kirks friend that just got out of lock up, one of his friends that he's hung out with since they were like 10yrs. old, and Swing still wanted to chill. All these problems happened in the span of 3 weeks too. I could have got back at Kirk for everything that I was hurting from, but I didn't. It crossed my mind a million times, but I still loved him. I couldn't get over him no matter how hard I tried, so I made a last attempt to make peace kind of. That ended with us getting back together and a shit load of people being pissed off. I told him about everything that happened while we were broke up, because I respected his earlier confessions, so I gave him mine. From that day on, his boys have been talking mad shit. They sit there and lie to his face about what happened when we weren't together, and that causes a lot of problems. We've been trying to make this work real hard though. I'm just trying a lot harder. He moved out of Drama's and in with his dad which got blamed on me, of course. He's been blowing me off, getting fucked up every chance he gets, and someone says something different everyday that causes us to fight. I think our relationship has developed so many problems, they can't be fixed. I don't know what to do about it. We're both holding on for dear life for something that already feels dead. That's what the poems about. It hurts so bad to be without him, but we are both miserable. Maybe he just takes me for granted. Like no matter what he does, I still be there for him. I don't think so. I'm usually one to never take shit from anyone, but I guess, he's my weakness. On top of the social drama, I have to find a job, because of those fines and college starts in a month. I have no money, no car, and no idea what I am doing. I'm stressing about that like crazy to. I swear to God, my life hates me right now.