I have to start figuring ways to convert my car into a livable space. A storm is brewing at home I can feel it in my bones, and today was merely a precursor of things to come. It all started over taxes, my Dad as usual waited to the last minute to file them. This screwed James and myself out of filing for the FAFSA and any potential money we might gain. It could’ve meant great ease for the financially fucked situation we find ourselves in. However I wasn’t banking on the money like James, I knew better, I knew this was the most probable scenario to occur. Sometimes he lacks necessary foresight. So instead of accepting the situation, he vented to my mother, mistake, who in turned vented to my father. Now the whole house is hopping mad, storming about, slamming this and that, its so tiresome. This however is only a cover for the real issues at hand, I see this. James at dinner began his favorite soap box rant, “why can’t we all just be a family?”. The simple answer to this is because we are not, but he wants it so badly, I hate to crush him. He started tearing up at dinner, and it irritated me. He began talking to me in particular because mother walked away, which is what I would’ve like to done. But, he had a speech and god dammit someone was going to hear it. He questioned me, but I didn’t have any suitable answers, none he was willing to accept. He called my life sad and pathetic, because I had no desire to know or care for a family I had never known or had reason to care deeply for. How can you miss, what you never had? I’m not saying I feel nothing for them, I’d do just about anything for them if they asked, I’m void of any serious emotional bond is all. He alluded one day I would regret this. Somehow I doubt things will be much different, though I think we all will gain appreciation in space from one another. I need to get out from under there thumb before I can see them as people, and not irrational children. It is simply my nature. I cannot see this living situation improving, I can see the daily decay plainly enough. Things will end, badly at that, but it will be for the best, I’d just prefer not be around for the final depressing last breath. Were like a vegetable on life support. Thus, until I find a better situation, living out of my car and at school seem to be my best options. The only issue is food, hunger is usually what drives me home early. If I can find a way to supply myself with this on my very limited funds, then I’ll only need to come home to sleep and bathe. I found couches on the desolate fourth floor of the library, I never seen another living soul there, its almost as if it doesn’t exist at all. The books are all decades old and appear to never have been opened let alone touched. Maybe, its stuck in time like Billy Pilgrim. I can spend most of my time in the studio, it feels more like home then anywhere else I know.