I looked back on all of my past entries and saw how happy I was in them. How everything was going so well and I practically had no worries. I've realized now that everything I had in those entries came crumbling down. I lost Jeff. I lost the apartment. I transfered stores so I lost my old store. The only thing I still have is my car. And I don't think that's enough to keep me happy. I guess I can't really complain. I mean, I have a roof over my head. I have clothes on my back. I have food in my stomach. I have a car. I have a good job. I make good money. Some people would think I have it made. But for some reason, I still hurt inside. I guess it's because I don't have anyone to share that with anymore. Or maybe it's because him getting back together with his ex-girlfriend made me feel like I wasn't good enough. One of the guys at work introduced me to this guy named Brian who works at the Firestone up the street from my old store. I had actually seen him in my old store a few times before I saw him in my new store. So we kind of already knew each other, I guess. But I didn't know his name or anything. He's gorgeous. Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, good-looking body, nice ass. The whole nine yards. He's practically perfect. The guy that introduced us said he's going to have to plan a party at his house (he moved in with Brian, apparently.) and invite me over. So I'm guessing the guy is actually into me, too. Not bad. Not bad at all. :D Maybe things will start to look up, afterall.

It's been a while for me on this thing. Pretty much because I'm addicted to Myspace now. But a lot has happened. Jeff shipped off for the military and I discovered he got back together with his ex-girlfriend who lives in Tennessee. He took the military as an opporunity to get back together with her. You have no idea how much that hurt me. I met a new guy. Actually, I met this guy back in January when I was still with Jeff. We've been intimate with each other twice so far. But he's taken. But I've fallen hard for him. Yet I know things will never work out between the two of us. I'm not looking. I don't want anyone right now. I just want to be single and take life as it comes. Maybe get enrolled in a college. Get my life back together. I think I need to see a therapist.

Jeff's going into the military here pretty soon and we probably won't continue our relationship from here on out while he's gone. I don't think I can handle this. I really don't. I don't want to lose him. He told me his mom is going to help support him from now on and he's leaving the apartment here within the week. His mom is going to put him through the military and through college and buy him a car. I hate myself for this. I should've never left him there by himself. I knew this was going to happen. I just can't see us being over after almost three years. But if this is what he wants, then so be it. I'm going over to the apartment later so we can talk some more. But I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving the apartment a single woman. We were supposed to get married. We were supposed to have kids and raise a family. We were supposed to be together forever. Why is this happening?

I miss you, Jeff. ♥1.25.04♥ I hold my pillow at night thinking it's you. Hoping that maybe it would turn into you. I haven't seen you in a week. I haven't been able to kiss you or hug you or hold you. All I can do is hear your voice over the phone and imagine you standing next to me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I sat at the bottom of the shower and held myself and cried. I miss sleeping next to you, waking up to you, and coming home from work to you. I miss cuddling with you and kissing you at night. But this is for the better. I hope. I love you so much. ♥

It's been a year now since I've graduated and moved out. But now I live with my parents again and not because Jeff and I split up but because of my finances. Jeff and I have been together for two and a half years now and I don't think we'll ever split up. The reason I moved back in is so I can get my whole money situation back in order. I just couldn't do it having to pay for a car now plus insurance plus bills plus whatever. Not counting I have a warrant out for my arrest. Don't ask what for because I'm not going to tell. It'll get taken care of and soon. I feel like such a goddamn convict. It's just somtimes I wonder what it would've been like if I would've never moved out and if I would've gone to college or something instead. Would I bet in this predictament? Would I have to worry and stress myself out this much? I don't know what to do with myself right now. Not to mention I met another guy. I'd give you the low-down on him but I'm afraid there's no point to it. He never calls, he never texts, he never comes up to my job to see me. He called me today but only after I told him I might be spending a couple of days in jail for my warrant. I text him and told him to call me after he got off work but I doubt that will happen. I want to hang out with someone. I can't hang out with Jeff because I have no way of getting to his place. This guy, on the other hand, could possibly come pick me up. Maybe we can go hang out somewhere. I'm getting my hopes up. I don't know why I'm thinking like this anyway. I have Jeff. I'm definitely not going to cheat on him, if that's what you're thinking. I would never. And I don't really have feelings for this guy, I just like him as a friend. I like hanging out with him. The very few times we have hung out together were great. Not as great as when I would hang out with Jeff, but they were something to take my mind off this bullshit I'm going through right now. And sometimes Jeff reminds me of the bullshit because he has something to do with it. I should write a book about my life. I think it would sell. When push comes to shove, sometimes you just have to shove back harder. And that's what I'm trying to do. Come on. Just call me.

So... Damn. Since November? I still don't have a computer. The update, I guess? Moved. Again. Now I'm living in an apartment with Jeff off of Mason Road over by my job. I'm still working for O'Reilly. A year in May. Woot. I'm now officially a night manager. I went to some training class today for it. That married guy? Yeah. It never happened. I got to know him. He's the most egotistical, self-centered, sarcastic dick-hole I've ever met. Therefore, Jeff and I are still together. It's now been two years, a month, and five days. Goddamn. Got a new car. It's a 2002 Pontiac Trans Am. LS-1, six speed, white, factory chrome five star rims, spoiler, the whole nine yards. Black leather interior, CD player, sound system, t-tops, A/C, etc. She's beautiful. The Camaro dropped its transmission for the fourth time in six months. So now it's sitting in the back of my parents' backyard with no transmission. Jeff works up the street from our new place so he walks back and forth to work. I could walk, too, but I don't want to. I'm a lazy fuck. I'm probably just going to turn the Camaro into a drag car like I wanted to to begin with. I had surgery last Tuesday on my left boob. I was out of it for like three days afterwards. I love codine. Mmm.. Anywho, they removed the lump. It was noncanerous. Thank God. My boob is still healing though. So, no touchy for Jeffrey. Ha. Well, that's the damn deal. Once again, I must leave my 'rents house and deal with not having a computer. Eh.

Where the hell is everybody? Man. This sucks. After high school, everything just.. went away. It blows. Still working for O'Reilly. Making mucho grande dinero. But it all goes bye-bye after rent and bills. Blah. Car's running great. Posi rearend, 3-speed non lock-up, 750 dual feed, single pumper Holley. Grr. I'm racing in the Clash of The Titans the 25th and 26th of this month. Come see me! :) Jeff and I are still together, obviously. ♥1.25.04♥ Almost two years, man. But.. Having feelings for someone else. Married with two kids. SLAP ME! It'll never happen. These feelings will pass. Thank God. Alrighty. I must leave my 'rents house and go make poopey at home. Haha. Call me, people. Muah. ♥

Well, we got the internet up and running after almost a week now. Don't ever go with Time Warner Cable. Please. It's bullshit and their company's bullshit. I know that now. What have I been up to? Work, work, and more work. Even after the robbery. I'm just not supposed to close yet I'm closing tonight and I also closed Wednesday night. Jeff's pissed off about it. Jim promised. Jeff's just looking out for me and I appreciate that. I love him so much. The whole house thing is going okay, I guess. I mean, I love living with my baby. I really, really do. Having him to come home to after work and what-not. It's a dream of mine come true. I still can't believe we've been together for almost two years. I remember the day we met and the day we first kissed. He's amazing and I don't ever want to lose him. I'm just stressed out about the whole money situation. I knew it was going to be like this for the first couple of months and I knew it was going to be this stressful. I just don't know how to deal with it. I know everything will start coming together. I mean, we've only lived here for.. not even a month yet, I don't think. I just need to give things time, I guess. That and Jim's talking about promoting me to a Retail Service Specialist and he wants me to go through the training to become a transmission specialist through O'Reilly's. Yeah. It's exciting. And becoming an R.S.S. will definitely make my checks even bigger. We have a new addition to the family. His name is Junior. He's a rot/something mix and he's only about nine weeks old. He's so friggin' cute. Yeah, I know we have a lot of dogs but Cue Ball's leaving soon. She's really Jeff's brother's dog and him and his fiance just got a house so they're taking her. So we'll still only have three dogs, two ferrets, an iguana, and a fish. Yeah, we like animals. So what? Blah. I need to get ready for work. I'm not feeling too good, either. This sucks. Oh well. I'm off Monday and Tuesday and Jeff's off Monday, too. He can take care of me then. :)

I know it's been a while but it sucks when you don't have a computer and you have to bum off your parents just to check your goddamn email. The whole house thing it going great, I suppose. There's just a lot of money issues that's stressing me out. That and I've been working non-stop. And I mean ten hour days almost every day. It's not fun but my check today was HUGE. But that was also with commission and we all know I sell a shitload. Because I am.. the best parts specialist. Ha. No, really. I am. Meh. The scariest thing happened to me last night at work. I don't have enough time to go into detail but I definitely will later once Jeff and I get Road Runner on Tuesday. Jerry, Rico, and I got robbed at gunpoint last night while working. It was the scariest fucking thing that has ever happened to me. The guy had the gun to my back while he forced me to empty the safe and what-not. We are extremely lucky we got out of there last night with our lives. We were there until about midnight after the authorities got everything straightened out. I mean they dusted for fingerprints and the whole nine yards. It was definitely something that I will remember for the rest of my life. I guess I'll continue this on Tuesday. Jeff's hovering over me right now giving me the evil-eye. I love you all.

Well, Jeff and I got a house together. It's the same house I was talking about in my previous entry. $700 a month with nothing down and no pet deposit. For the past week or so we've been doing nothing but cleaning out the house and physically cleaning the house. We've had to redo the entire bathroom almost. The guy left the new jacuzzi tub in the garage and left the old one in the bathroom so we're having to spend money and time replacing the damn tub. I've been pulling out numerous hairs desperately trying to get all of our utilities turn on the right way. Which, by the way, I slept through the phone call that told me to be at the new house for the "gas man" to turn on the gas this morning which really fucking sucked because now everyone's yelling at me pretty much telling me it was my fault. The fucking idiots at the gas company should give you a set time to be there for the "gas man" instead of just telling you "Oh, he'll be there between 8 and 5." No shit, Sherlock fucking Holmes. That's a normal working day you dumb fuck. Anyway. I'm a little "t"ed off right now. All Jeff ever does is yell at me, anyway. I should be used to it by now. All I've been doing is fucking working. Almost every goddamn day I have to work a 10 hour shift. A closing shift at that. It's really beginning to get old and I'm fucking tired. Hence me saying "I slept through the phone call..". This is fucking bullshit. You're supposed to have a weekend off every once in a while and not once have I had a weekend off since graduation. I have so much shit going on right now and it's driving me fucking insane. Trying to deal with this house and working 10, 11 hour shifts for days in a row. I'm tired and I hardly have time to take care of myself and do the normal things you're supposed to do like eat a decent meal. It's bullshit. But I guess this is reality. I guess this is what the real world is all about. Oh well. I wanted it this way and I got what I wanted. Now I have to deal with it. Not mentioning what happened to my car within the past week or two. My hood flying off and my transmission giving out. Now my goddamn car just looks like a piece-of-shit hoop-d. It used to look like a classic car. Now it looks like my goddamn Saturn. Instead the hood's purple this time. Ugh. I need a beer. We may be throwing a house-warming party sometime next weekend after we're all settled in. I'll let everyone know ahead of time when and how to get to the house. I'm just trying to keep my fingers crossed for now.

My dad's selling the house we live in now. Great. He said with me moving out and all he doesn't really need to be paying for that big of a house for just three people. Especially since my mom won't get a job. Meh. We should be going to look at the inside of the house sometime this week. Jeff and I, that is. And I suppose my parents are going to start looking for a house as well. I really do not want to go to work today. My head fucking hurts so bad and it's been like this for days. My assistant manager gave me some Sudafed yesterday but I don't really think it helped. It just made me even more tired. My schedule next week sucks. I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday. 10-7 Sunday, 9-6:30 Monday, 3:30-10:30 Thursday, 12-10:30 Friday, 10-7 Saturday, and 7:30-5 Sunday. 7:30 til freakin' 5. I really don't want to have to get up that early, dammit. Oh well. Hours are money. Well, thought I'd update. Now it's time for me to do a little packing before I have to start getting ready for work. I'm still excited about this.

Well, as for an update, this one will be quick and short. Much like something else I enjoy. I mean.. Nah. The sex is good. Jeff and I found a house. It's perty. There's no fencing up front; it's all one big brick wall on both sides of the house. The house is only a 2 bedroom, I think 1 bath, and it only has a 1 car garage but I think that's all Jeff and I need right now. Until the family comes. Later on. WAY later on. The Nova will go in the garage, of course, and we'll have to suffer parking one behind the other on the driveway. Oh well. We haven't seen the inside of it yet but the dude said he'll be more than happy to show it to us either this weekend or sometime next week when Jeff and I are both off. I'm excited. It has a jacuzzi bathtub and a huge backyard. Housewarming party, anyone? I'm talking the whole nine yards. Bar-b-que, strippers, alcohol (the house has a wet bar).. Fuck yes. The only real problem with the house is the carpet's in bad shape. The guy said we could probably just take a steam cleaner to it and it'll look better but later on it might have to be replaced. Meh. And only $7-750 a month! Yeah. I'm excited. Hopefully all went well with Dallas' move-in with my wifey. It's about damn time one moved in with the other. They practically live together, anyway. Working 11-7 today and tomorrow. Blah. Then noon to 10:30 on Saturday. Yeah. It sucks but the more hours, the more money. We all know I need all the money in the world right now. Oh yeah. That reminds me. The guy doesn't want any sort of down payment or anything on the house. We might just be moving in within the next week. Seriously. The guy told us we might as well start packing now. I'm so fucking excited. I've always wanted my own house. He said that for right now we can rent it out and if we decide to take over his mortgage in a few years, we can buy it. That made me even more excited. I'm jumping up and down in my chair right now. I love my baby. Life's good. And you know what? I didn't even have to eat one of those McDonald's fruit salads. Fuck McDonalds.

I did a complete tune-up on my car yesterday. I started around 8 after we got back from the pool and, needless to say, I wasn't done until a little after midnight. Spark plugs on a 350 are a pain in the ass. I put some high-dollar Accell plugs in her, too. Along with some Accell 8mm plug wires. The box said the plugs were supposed to help smooth out your idle - it just made my car idle even more rough. I'm not complaining, I love it. Now all I need to do is get my damn exhaust hooked back up and I'll have my much-needed back pressure and she'll sound a hell of a lot better and hell of a lot louder. Blah. Now it's off to work. I'm working a good ten hour shift today. Someone stick a fork in me, I'm done. Hell, stick something else in me. ..I mean..

I get paid one hell of a fat ass check today. And I'm off. Can we say.. oil change? Yep. And the pool. Mmm.. I'm diggin' the whole I-don't-ever-have-to-go-back-to-school-again thing.

My mom won't leave me alone. She wonders why I never come home and she wonders why I constantly pick up more hours at work so I'd be away from home. I can't stand her right now. She needs to just get a fucking job and stay the fuck out of my business. She's been looking for a house for Jeff and I these past couple of days. I appreciate it, yes, because Jeff and I are both busy but damn, when you tell her one thing, like the area we have stay in in order to keep our jobs, she apparently hears something else. She's was looking at houses for us way out by the Beltway and Memorial. She just does not comprehend the words that come out of my mouth. It's like she hears only what she wants to hear. A couple weeks ago we went up to my bank and switched my account over from her name to mine. And I just recently overdrafted. I knew I was going to overdraft so I borrowed money from Jeff to put in my account to avoid an insufficient funds fee. The fuckers charged me the goddamn fee anyway even after I deposited the $20 bucks. My mom will not stay out of business. She will hunt for my checkbook and look at it and call my account and get my current balance and try to log in online and look at all of my transactions. Then she'll bitch at me about it. She wanted to log into my account information online yesterday so bad she ended up locking up my account because I had changed my user i.d. and my password to keep her out of it. So I had to get on the phone this morning and work everything out with the damn bank. I swear to fucking God she's going to drive me fucking insane. I want out of here. Well, today's my day off and I think I'm going to use what's left of it to clean up my car. Vacuum it out and wash it and what-not. She's looking a little rough. Then once Jeff gets off work we're going swimming. I don't know what else we're going to do. Oh yeah. Jeff shaved off his goatee and mustache. He looks so fucking weird. Even his smile is different. He looks a hell of a lot younger though. I like him better with the goatee and mustache. He needs to grow it back. I'm sad now. Bite me.

I have pictures from graduation. Blah. I look like shit. I'll post them in a few. What's going on with me, you ask? Work, work, and more work. 40+ hours a week with overtime pay, baby. I think I'm going to love my check come Friday. I'm actually off tomorrow and Friday though. Tonight I'm working noon to 8 with an hour lunch. I doubt I'll go anywhere for lunch though. No cash-o-la until Friday. I think I have to pay insurance then too. Great. And my car needs a few things. I just put new rotors and pads on my car a couple days ago and she stops a hell of a lot better now. Now I need to get the rears done. My drums turned and replace the shoes. Jeff bought his roommate's Camaro for $500 bucks so we're stealing the posi trac rearend out of it this weekend. My car will be true posi. I'm excited about that. Maybe with this check I can get me some headers. That would be nice. Maybe some chrome centerbolt valve covers as well. There's an idea. But yeah, work's going great. I love most of the people I work with. Stephen makes me feel uncomfortable but he started a new job so he'll hardly be working with me anymore. Maybe a weekend here and there. Not uncomfortable sexually or anything. He just makes me feel like he's superior to me. Kind of makes me feel lower than him. Oh well. He's a guy. I'm a girl. We both work with cars. Of course he's going to think he's the superior one. Even though I out-smarted him the other day. Ha. That was fun. I'm so tired. Jeff and I are looking for a house. We've started calling some people and everything. Some guy is supposed to email him today with some information so hopefully this guy will help us get ourselves into a house and soon. My 'rents are bitching about me not sleeping in my own bed. "I just shower, shit, and shave and leave for work." now. They think it's because I'm 18 now. I don't care how old I am, I did it before I was 18. Now they have a problem with it? So yeah, if you happen to see a decent house for rent, let me know. :) I want to take our relationship to the next level. And yes, we are prepared. I practically live with him now as it is. Hell, I just want out of my parent's house and I definitely don't want to live in that rat-hole of a house Jeff lives in now. Ewe.

I still don't understand how relationships work. I somehow thought everything was going great in mine and that I had the most wonderful guy in the world. Hang on. Let me rephrase myself. I do have the most wonderful guy in the world. I did and I always will. Yes, we had our problems but they're over now. They've been over for over six months now - they've just been hiding. They came out for a little while but then they faded. They're not completely gone because I still think about how badly it hurt me. But it's all over with now and everything's going to be okay. He explained himself to me and it took about an hour for us to work things out. He said he didn't mean what he said to her. He was just telling her what she wanted to hear so she would comfort him and give him attention when I wasn't at the time. He felt as if he was dead to my heart at the time and that there was no hope of saving our relationship. He said that his intentions were good when we met and first started dating. He also thought that our relationship would be one like the ones in his past - just flings that only last a couple months. He said he had no idea he would grow to love me so much. He realizes now with his feelings for me that he never did love her. He just cared for her as a person a lot more than he did the other people in his life at that time. But he said he realizes that he is truely in love with me and that he could never loose me or he'd loose himself. He said that during our entire relationship, he never had feelings for her and rarely thought about her - and when he did think about her, it was just about memories that were kept in the back of his mind. He said that he and I are meant to be - and that is that. And he knows that now after everything we've been through and what we have overcome as lovers. So I'm glad we were able to work things out. I am extremely relieved that none of the things said were meant. And I do trust him on this. I know I can trust him now. Don't worry. I wasn't going to committ suicide or anything like that. I'm still around. But I'm still hurting a little bit behind that smile I just gave you.

To those of you who read this, I may not be around for much longer. I've lost the one thing that matters the most to me. Although we are not separated just yet, he has gone away from my heart. I annoy him. I'm a problem in his life. I'm no better than the bitch he dated over five years ago. Even though we've been together for a year and six months now, I now feel as if we've only been dating for six months. Up until our one year anniversary, he was dating me and still talking to one of his many exes who he dated the longest. While he was telling me how much he loved me, he was also repeating his words to someone he dated over five years ago. He felt as if I didn't trust him and that our relationship was going to end anyway - so he began talking to his ex. And might I add, he also sent emails to girls he chatted with online after viewing their profiles on Yahoo. While we were dating. While I, and everyone else, thought I had a great thing going for me. He almost broke up with me because he thought I didn't trust him. He screamed at me about it because he felt there was no trust in our relationship. I told him I trusted him. And yet, behind my back, he was abusing my trust and lying to me. He practically cheated on me after he told me he would never cheat on me. He hurt me after he said he would never hurt me. He's supposed to say "I love you so much" to me and "I miss you so much" to me and "I thought that this you did or do was cute" to me. I can't believe how badly he contradicted himself. About trust and being honest. "Krystal, you're perfect. I love you so much. I want you to be my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to have my kids. I love you more than life itself." Then why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?

CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF '05!

School's done and over with for good. It doesn't even really feel like it's over with. I still feel as if I have to go back. As if I'm just on some sort of break. I think it's going to take me a while to get used to not following the schedule I used to follow. Not being able to see the people I used to see every day. Yeah. It's definitely going to take some getting used to. Our graduation's tomorrow at 9am. Blah. It's early but I guess there could be a plus to it. We'll have the rest of the day to do whatever afterwards. I'd like to do something with everybody. All of my friends. Go hang out somewhere or something. Since Astroworld is right across the street.. I don't know. I doubt any of us have the money to just go and blow at Astroworld. Maybe we can go have breakfast at Denny's or some shit. Jeff's not going to my graduation. He just got hired at O'Reilly's on Highway 6 yesterday. Well, yesterday was his first day anyway. He's working practically all day today and then all day tomorrow. From 8 to something, probably. He just called me to tell me that four other employees up there are asking for tomorrow off too for other graduations. Mike wants him to work. Jeff couldn't understand why I got pissed off and started crying. We had both planned on him going since day fucking one of this stupid shit. And now all of a sudden he has a job and "can't make it". I guess his priorities are straight. Whatever. I don't need him there. It's not like I wanted him there. No. I would never want the one person who means the most to me not to be at my graduation. One of the most important events in my lifetime. Sometimes I just can't stand him. My mom's dad sent me $40 bucks for my birthday/graduation. I guess that's $40 extra bucks in my pocket for now. I also got paid yesterday. I guess the checks came early or some shit. I thought Fridays were paydays. Oh well. The earlier the better. I have to go shopping around today for something to wear underneath my cap and gown tomorrow. Blah. Why do we have to wear a skirt? Of all things, a skirt. Trust me. It'll be a long one. Shoes too. Something other than the heals I have that I've worn.. What? Twice? Maybe? Well, here's the update. There probably won't be another one for a while. I'm working 40+ hours next week. Can I get a "fuck yeah" for overtime? Whatever. I still can't believe this shit. Does anyone have a box of tissues I could borrow?