So Valentine's day is 3 days from now... I am not really looking forward to it. I mean I am getting married in 133 days but I don't think we can even afford to have a Valentine's day- I have a $220 fine due by the end of this month so all the money I might be getting has to go towards the fine so I don't end up in jail... I am worried that I wont make it and I might get in trouble. The fine was originally given to me in August to be paid by the end of the year but I didnt get a job so I asked for an extension and they gave me till the end of February to pay it off and since then I have paid $45 (it was originally $265)... not having a job sucks... I really hope that I won't get in trouble... damnit!

I'm getting married in less than 7 months... I am so damn excited... the other night I had my first dream about Anthony since I wrote the last entry... I really thought I was done with that part of my life but my mind thinks otherwise... I mean I know hes back in USA now and I just wish he could see me now. I look so much better than I did when he last saw me... I mean I know that he is an asshole and that he does not deserve my thoughts but I can't help it. He was such a large part of my life and I just wish he wouold call me... oh right I changed my phone number... lol. I might call him to see if he answers... nah... I just wish he would get out of my head...

Things were going great. I mean really great. But then last night I had another dream About Anthony. I was so upset when I woke up... I have no idea what to do about this... not like I can get ahold of him or anything... he's in Austria as far as I know... damn him!!!

Things are weird for me... I have had the weirdest few days and I am not sure what to think of it... I really wish these things would stop happening to me. This guy I thought hated me sent me a message thru myspace and apologized for hurting me a long time ago...he is being so nice to me now. Either he grew up or wants something from me... I hope its the former... I am engaged now... er I have been for about 3 weeks or so... I am very excited... I even have my wedding dress picked out... pictures here... Doesn't it look pretty on me... I think so...

I want to change my journal background and have no idea how to go about doing it. I feel that my journal is too plain. I want some bright colorful background that is not just one color. My frined Emma has a rally cool background but I have no idea where to get such a background or how to go about making it mine. Help me if you can please.

So I have been being stalked for the last few weeks... not much more than that other than he has my cell number and has been calling me and hanging up on me... he uses private numbers so I never can tell where he is calling from... last night I had the most horrible dream about it... I can't even stand to sleep anymore... no one wants to go through what I am going through. He knows where I work and where I live... he is the most horrible person alive and he tells me that he is doing all this to get me to date him!!! Well he is going about it the wrong way. I used to have his screen name but I blocked him and made it so that only people on my friends list can contact me... I even filed a police report but there is not much they can do right now. It is likely that the screen name is from AIM and then people don't have to but their real names on it. God I don't even like leaving the house in fear that he will be there watching me... I wish I knew who he was so I could press charges against him...

So this last week or so has been pretty bad for me. I was really sick last week. My phone got turned back on on Friday and this past Wednesday I lost my job. I tired to call Anthony on Friday last week but he did not answer so I left him a message. I still have not heard from him... I still think about him but a lot less than I did before. I think it might be best for me to not talk to him for a while. I really wish that things were different in my life. I wish I had a car and a job and more money to make Joe happy. I love Joe so much and feel so bad for how things have been going. I want nothing more than to just be with him and make him happy... he told me he has a suprise for me tomorrow. I am pretty anxious to see what it is. He has been planning this for sometime now and I am beginning to think that it is a pretty big deal. I love him with all my heart and really hope that we are together for a long time. Well I will let you know later what happens...

Another dream about Anthony last night. Can't quite remember this one. Last nght I made a mix for him on my I-pod. A bunch of songs that I have that remind me of him are in it. Here is the list: 1. This Love- Craig Armstrong 2. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot- Brand New 3. My Immortal- Evanescence 4. Wild Horses- Rolling Stones 5. Fair- Remy Zero 6. Sunshower- Chris Cornell 7. Iris (acoustic version)- GooGoo Dolls 8. Letters To You- Finch 9. Miles Apart- Yellowcard 10. Sweet Surrender- Sarah McLachlan 11. Honey And The Moon- Joseph Arthur 12. Everyday- Phil Collins 13. Motercycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind 14. Do What You Have To Do- Sarah McLachlan 15. Playing Favorites- The Starting Line 16. The Nearness Of You- Nora Jones 17. Saturate- Breaking Benjamin (hidden track after Sahllow Bay) 18. Could It Be Any Harder- The Calling 19. Silence- Sarah McLachlan 20. Bright Lights- Matchbox 20 21. You Get Me- Michelle Branch 22. As You Sleep- Something Corperate 23. Deep Inside Of You- Third Eye Blind 24. Past Due- Weakerthans 25. Firewater- Yellowcard 26. Siren- Tori Amos 27. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville 28. The Ghost Of You- My Chemical Romance ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wanted more but these were perfect. I miss Anthony so much right now. I mean he was my world for 2 years and then for 2 days I got to be in love with him again and I loved how that felt. I want him back.

"Firewater" Yellowcard You sat me down beside myself To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you Was this for real? It's hard to tell 'Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into I'm gonna overcome this paper heart and win this time And all along, I should've known this wasn't your dream, it was mine I know you wanted me to give up this life to be Everything I was back when you had the hands my heart was in I was never good at goodbye Can I swallow this bottle whole? So, this brain in my head Can forget your face When we were starting out, you believed in me without a doubt You were the finest thing to happen to a boy like me It's so much harder, now, I wanna try and tell you how There is so much love in me, even though it's hard to see I was never good at goodbye Can I swallow this bottle whole? So, this brain in my head Can forget your face Can I swallow this bottle whole? 'Cause I'd rather be dead Then make more mistakes Today I couldn't stay awake Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake I won't be sleeping much tonight It's not the same without you lying by my side Right beside me Can I swallow this bottle whole? So, this brain in my head Can forget your face Can I swallow this bottle whole? 'Cause I'd rather be dead Than make more mistakes I know you wanted me To give up my life to be Everything I am, when you're the Only thing that I can see I'm sorry, but you're not the Not the only one for me (So this brain in my head can forget your face) You left me, here, beside myself Left me with all the reasons I was wrong for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This one is perfect. It totally reminds me of Anthony and what we had (have?). I miss him a lot when I hear this. STUPID HEAD!!!!

So I have had more dreams about Anthony and yesterday while at the Cyber Cafe, the overhead radio played "Sparkle" by Phish which was the song he dedicated to me when we were younger. So I decided to write him an email to see how he is doing and let him know that hopefully I will be moving out soon. I also hope that I hear back from him soon. I miss him dearly and can't wait till my phone gets turned on so I can call him.

More dreams about Anthony last night. This one killed me cos he kissed me in my dream. I really wish I knew what they mean. I mean it really sucks to be trying so hard to get over him yet my dreams won't let me. I really want nothing than to just get over him and move on with my life but for some reaosn I believe that I am not supposed to- hence the dreams. I honestly think that my dreams are trying to tell me something but I can't figure them out. I mean it is not like I can go see him since he lives so far away. So that is not it. I wish I fucking knew.

"I Could Not Ask For More"- Edwin McCain Lying here with you Listening to the rain Smiling just to see the smile upon your face These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive These are the moments I'll remember all my life I found all I've waited for And I could not ask for more Looking in your eyes Seeing all I need Everything you are is everything to me These are the moments I know heaven must exist These are the moments I know all I need is this I have all I've waited for And I could not ask for more [Chorus] I could not ask for more than this time together I could not ask for more than this time with you Every prayer has been answered Every dream I have's come true And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be Here with you here with me These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive These are the moments I'll remember all my life I've got all I've waited for And I could not ask for more [Chorus] I could not ask for more than the love you give me 'Coz it's all I've waited for And I could not ask for more I could not ask for more ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Second song that made me cry about Anthony.

The last 2 nights I have been having dreams about Anthony. I miss him so much. I have no idea what came over me last Saturday but all I know is that I can't hear a certain type of song without crying- I don't even know what hit me but I was back in love with him in a matter of hours and he let me down again. I can't keep doing this to myself but when I am around him I have always been like this. I miss him so much right now. I don't even want to think about what could happen if I see him again. Back in 1997-1998 he was my life. All I did was for him. I even carved his initials into my right arm back in 1998 and the scar is still there. I look at it now as a reminder of how much he hurt me but how much I will always love him. I thought back then that I got over him but last weekend and this whole week has been proof that I honestly don't think I will ever get over him. He knows me so well I am afraid to lose that. I know he is in Vegas right now but I can't help but think that he is still close to me. I sometimes wish I could rewind it and go back to last Monday and see him. I wanted nothing more than to say goodbye. And now I don't think I ever will. It kills me to know I probably will never get over him. I just wish my dreams about him would go away and let me live in peace. At least then I could sleep without being torumented by his memory. I mean it's bad ehough that I am constantly reminded of him during the day but at night? This is a bit rediculous. Maybe soon I will get over him since this time it was only a weekend and not 2 years. God help us all if I don't.

"You Were Meant For Me"- Jewel I hear the clock, it's six a.m. I feel so far from where I've been Got my eggs and my pancakes too Got my maple syrup, everything but you. Break the yolks, make a smiley face I kinda like it in my brand new place I wipe the spots off the mirror Don't leave the keys in the door Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause Dreams last so long even after you're gone I know you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me And I was meant for you. Called my momma, she was out for a walk Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk Picked up a paper, it was more bad news More hearts being broken or people being used Put on my coat in the pouring rain Saw a movie it just wasn't the same 'Cause it was happy or I was sad and It made me miss you oh so bad Dreams last so long Even after you're gone I know you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me And I was meant for you. Go about my business, I'm doin fine Besides, what would I say if U had you on the line Same old story, not much to say Hearts are broken, everyday. Brush my teeth and put the cap back on I know you hate it when I leave the light on I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down. Take a deep breath and a good look around Put on my pj's and hop into bed I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead I try and tell myself it'll be all right I just shouldn't think anymore tonight Dreams last so long Even after you're gone I know you love me And soon I know you will see You were meant for me And I was meant for you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So this is officially the first song that made me cry about Anthony. Well I take that back- the first song in 8 years that has made me cry about Anthony. So I didn't get to asy goodbye to him. I had to call his phone and leave a message. I spent all of 1:00am crying last night because of this. I miss him so much already. I wish I had at least gotten to say goodbyye to him. It hurts so much right now. I just don't want to lose him from my life. He means so much to me... I have no idea how I get myself into these situations but I am stuck in it right now and have no way out. It's too late now. Had I not talked to him it would still be 8 years since my last conversation with him but I had to go an ruin all the time spent getting over him by talking to him Saturday night... all that I worked on all those years ago is gone. I am ever so sad right now...

Last night was pretty good. I went and hung out with Anthony for a while. We ended up back at his house after going to see Charile and the Chocolate Factory. We decided to fill the hot tub and go in it. While I was in the bathroom peeing I found a condom in the garbage basket. I confronted him about it and he denied that it was his, siting that his older brother had been staying in the basement room (where Anthony is staying now) with his girlfriend for 2 days before Anthony came home. The condom looked old- it had gone from the color condoms usually are to a yellow-brown color that they sometimes turn when old. So I believed him. I mean I don't even have a right to be pissed even if it was his because we are not dating so it would be ok for him to have sex with other girls. But its then principal of the thing. He has been so sweet to me theses past few days- telling me that he wants to stay here with me or have me move down there. And any girl would be upset if someone who is telling them stuff like this was sleeping with someone else. He and I ended up going in the hot tub for about 10 minutes because there was no proper air circulating thru the bathroom so he started sweating pretty quick. We went back to the bedroom and just held eachother for a while. He then took me home because it was getting pretty late and I had to be up this morning to take Joe to work. Anthony told me that he wanted to hang out with me today and take me to Ithaca on his boat. He also told me he had a 60GB photo I-pod that he wants to maybe give me because he does not ever use it. I really hope that he decides to because that would rock so hard-core. I think I am going to go call him right now. I also hope that I get to see him today.

So last night was... well there are no real words to describe it but lets just call it amazing. No- AMAZING! The night started out with a power outage that caused me to not have to work. I had been sitting at work with Patti, Lisa, and Kim when they decided that we could not work becasue NYSEG was not coming to fix the power. So we decided to go out to State Street and drink a little. Well upon arrival we went right to Uncle Tonys where I ran into some frineds of mine I had while in high school. Then we decided to go to Boca Joes and I was there for a good hour or two and I ran into someone I have not seen in 6 years or so. A guy I had been in love with during my junior and senior year in high school. His name is Anthony and he meant so much to me back then. He was quite a bit younger than me when I knew him and that is what kept us from being together. Well last night we connected again and... let me tell you, I have never felt this kind of connection with anyone since the last time with him. We kissed all night and I ended up going home with him where we just slept. It was nice to finally be with him again. Well there is one problem- right now he is currently touring with David Copperfield and for most of the year they are based out of Vegas. Anthony and I talked about me eventually moving down there to be with him because after 8 years of us not being able to be together, we don't want to give this up. I am very happy right now but there are some things that I need to get straightned out before I decide what to do. He is in town till Tuesday and as we speak he is home with his mom- or so he says. He will be calling me later and we will be hanging out again tonight. I am sooooo happy right now. If you knew what we had before you would be happy for me as well. I have not felt this way in years. He makes me feel so alive. It seemed that last night we just kind of picked up where we left off all those years ago. It just felt so natural to be with him last night. I onlt hope that this never ends. But who am I kidding- he is leaving on Tuesday to go back to Vegas and I might not see him for a while. But I can hope and wish can't I? Well I must go now and shower. :) :) :)

So tomorrow I go back to work after a week off. I am rather nervous because I have not talked to Steve in a while and I am wondering if he even remembers that I exist. I am thinking that if things get too akward tomorrow I will just give them my 2 week notice and leave. I don't really like crushing on people at work for this very reason and I am upset for allowing myself to do so. I only hope that he and I can still get along even though things did not work out between us as I had hoped. I only wish he had been more mature about it and had just told me that he was not interested in me, rather than ignore me. But it's ok- I have a boyfriend and should not have had interest in Steve in the first place.

A guy wrote this in his myspace. "Stop being so hard on yourselves. I know way too many really beautiful girls who think they don't look good... It hurts... becaues it's our fault, guys I mean. We make girls feel like they have to be perfect. You know what I mean, flat stomach, huge boobs, round ass, long legs, big lips, and on top of all that, they have to dress like a whore, and be one as well... nobody can measure up to that... and its not fair... because nobody should have to. The little imperfections are what make people special. If everyone was perfect the world would be so boring, variety is what makes life interesting. So guys, stop making girls have to live up to your, I'm sorry, our... deluded fantasy visions of perfection. Stop acting like boys and start being men... realize that women don't exist to fufill our sexual desires. Stop talking to them solely to get with them, be nice to them because you want to be their friend, not because you want to hook up with them. Say nice things about them not to flatter them in hopes that you'll get some, but because you know they like to hear them. In short... we need to grow up and stop being dicks... just because we have them doesn't mean we need to think with them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So I saw this and nearly cried... I need to find this guy and thank him. But what he says will not change the fact that I have been cheated on so many times with girls who fit this discription... it hurts to know this and hurts to admit that this guy might just be right but just because he says this will not stop me from getting cheated on... sometimes I hate the wisdom of people.

So here we go folks- an update about my current situation. So Steve called me around 4pm or so. We went to a movie at 10pm with 3 of his friends. I thought maybe being with him in public would help me but it only made things worse- I mean during the movie he sat by me and put his arm on the rest so his elbow was touching my arm the whole time. And sometimes I would catch him looking at me... I have no idea what to do. I mean he even gave me a hug when we left (no kiss). I told him to call me tomorrow if in fact he wanted to hang out with just us or something. When I was driving out of the movie theatre, his car pulled up and his friend in the passenger seat said something to me that I could not hear so tomorrow I will have to call him and find out what his friend sai. I really hope it was not a bad thiing. I don't think it will be tho- I think Steve likes me... damn this is even more confusing than before.

About a week ago I got a job at the Press and Sun Bulletin doing the inserts. I love my job. I mean it can be pretty boring but that's why I love it. I get paid $7.00 an hour to do the easiest job I have ever done. Plus the people there are fun and actually nice. There are all sorts of people there- many guys from ages 18 to probably 60 and I can get along with every one of them. There are 2 girls that are 18, then there is me at 26, then there are women who are older. Now, my only problem is Steve. He is 18 and so sweet. He is my problem- er rather- the reason I look forward to work. But I consider that to be a problem. I am dating Joe and I love him very much but since I have been working there I have developed sort of a crush on Steve and, I think he feels the same way- he asked for my number on Friday after we all got out of work and he actually called me yesterday and invited me to the movies with some friends of his. I told him I could not go because I had to work at my other job so he postponed the movies until tonight just so I could go. I love Joe very much and don't want to ruin what I have with him but I can't help but like Steve. There is something about him that makes me like him a lot. I liked him from the moment I laid eyes on him the very minute I walked into my first day at work on Wednesday. It's times like these that I wish I was single-or, at the very least, not in love so I could just end it. But as it is I have not been in love in a long time and I plan on keeping Joe around for as long as he is supposed to be around. I really don't want to ruin this but as it is, the feelings I have for Steve are uncontrollable- almost like something has forced me to like him and won't let me not like him. I mean he's 18! He's 8 years younger than me! I have had BAD experiences with people that young and have recently been keeping myself from liking anyone that young. Joe is going to be 22 in November and I love that. People that young just don't want to get married. He doesn't even know how old I am. No one at work does but Dan and that's because I trust him not to tell anyone. I don't want anyone to be judging me for how old I am. I want them to get to know me for who I am... damn this sucks. I wish I could just not like him, but that seems to pe impossible. I guess we will see what happens if he calls me today.