I kind of want to shoot myself today.

Let's play a little game called: I hate the stupid freshman who thinks she's going to date my best friend and move to England and live happily ever after... and who claims that there is only American English and Real English. Except that...what about Southern American English...and New York American English... AND THE STUPID, I CAN'T SPELL FOR SHIT ENGLISH THAT SHE TYPES WITH. If you think rocks is spelled with an X....you're just an idiot. I FUCKING DISLIKE HER SO MUCH. I WANT HER TO JUST, FUCKING, GO TO ENGLAND AND LEAVE THE REST OF THE WORLD ALONE.

Oh yes, because, it makes so much sense that someone ELSE from capital university (WHO THE FUCK DO I KNOW DOWN THERE?!) would be leaving me messages about a certain someone hating me...and certain messages that I should kill myself. Sounds as if: a) someone is mad because they were falsely accused (HOLY SHIT, that's farmilliar) b) someone is pissed because they got caught and it got blown up all over my other journal. Sorry bitch. Apparently in all your boastings of being a mature college student, you were sent ALL THE WAY BACK TO SEVENTH GRADE, where people posted annoymous stuff about other HUMAN BEINGS on the internet and then wouldn't fess up to it. Whoa shit. And FUTHERMORE: how am I diluted if I said that Andy and I don't talk? We don't. How am I diluted if I said we're not friends? We're not. Same goes for Lee-Anne. ? ? ? the questions just keep on coming...but my biggest one is...how bored did you have to be with your pathetic life to have to ALL THE WAY BACK to my very first xanga entry to find this website? That's rather sad... I think I'll just take a deep breathe and go play lacrosse. by the way: Were you beaten with an ugly stick as a child...or did your miserbale childhood just morph your face like that? Major score points lost from a certain male...damn.

So I started writing in xanga, and I haven't written in here in ages. I don't know why I made the switch, I guess because more of my friends have xangas and it's an easier way to keep in touch. So much has changed. I don't talk to Andy or Lee Anne anymore, and I don't think we can even classify each other as friends. I know. It's too much. Sigh. Maybe I'll keep writing in this because no one knows what it is.

It's real early in the morning, especially to be awake after a jet concert. It was a hella good concert too. Although, when I was there, I did get caught in a mosh pit at one point, and fell on my ankle. I knew I had to get out after that point, and it was ok. Some really big guy in blue (he looked like an ambercrombie football model) saw me fall, picked me up, carried me to the exit of the floor and said "Go find your boyfriend hunny" So, since my boyfriend wasn't around, I went to find Bato, and sit down with him. He'd been watching our purses, and when I got back, I suddenly felt really bad for leaving him. In his words "I was already kinda despressed, so I figured I should just chill and let you guys have a god time." Which just made me feel worse. He's very over the top about the Madeline and Sam thing, and you know, really who could blame him? He tried to get her for 6 months! (during which of course, she was dating matt, however she did fail to mention that to him- so he wasn't breaking any guy morels or anything) And then of course, Sam comes in right after their broken up and manages to scam on her in 6 days. I'd be over the top too. So the jet concert was awesome, but the people I was there with were either poutin' or making out. Not so fun for amelia. I talked to Andy. We talked for about 2 and half hours. I sat in my boyfriends car with him on the phone, talking about everything. At one point, there were people on Danny's porch, and I didn't like them looking at me, so I got out of the car while still talking to him and they said "God damn, she's on the fucking phone?" So I walked around the block a few times, until my phone died. Then I ran back to the house to find my charger, plugged it in, and waited till it had enough battery to call andy back, and called him back. By this point everyone in the house was getting annoyed with how I was ignoring Evan, but I really didn't care- because Evan wasn't angry at me. Andy and I talked about everything. Everything in my life and everything in his life. I feel so much better now,you can never ever know.

It's been a long time, you guys. How many people stopped checking my diary? Come on, be honest. A lot has happened. So much, that I don't even know if I'll have enough space to write about it here. I suppose I could start at the beginning, with PMT. Actually, I should start at the beginning with the week leading up to PMT. Evan and I spent almost all week together, starting with saturday, ending with thursday night. I knew it was going to be a long time before I could conciously see him again, and I wanted to get in as much time as I could with him. On sunday, I started going crazy. I scared myself at the thought of the same thing happening with Evan as what happened with Kyle (see suck my energy away) and I don't know if I could handel that. I was getting pressure from all sides to have sex with Evan. From my friends, (I wasn't really in a speaking position with most of my real friends that week) and from his friends. Everywhere it came, you have no reason to not do this, how can you be so mean to your boyfriend, why are you being such a prude bitch, on and on and on. So, by wendsday night, I'd had enough. I went to ellie's graduation, and told them, I'm going to do it tomorrow morning. Lorilei jumped with excitement, but Ellie just sort of stared at me. She went along with it for the most part, but she remembered the conversation we'd had earlier in the week about how all this pressure was getting to me. She knew what was up. I think she was worried, and sometimes it's not fun to have a best friend who can get inside your head like that. Ellie's graduation cermony was beautiful, she was beautiful. I went back to Evan's house after that, and nothing really happened that night- I just made a promise. As I kissed him on my back porch, he just kept saying "We have to do it." I was scared. I was that little girl again, with the big scary boy on my back, telling me to do this and do that. Come thursday, it happened. Something else also happened. Condoms aren't supposed to break. When you're having sex with your boyfriend, you aren't supposed to worry about those things happening. There should be no other place in your mind, no doubt about what's happening. So when it was over, and we learned what had happened, the tears just started streaming down my face. I curled up into a little ball, and cried my eyes out. I went into the bathroom, and got into a steaming hot bath. So hot that it scladed my legs and stomach. I stayed in there for twenty minutes, and Evan didn't stay with me. He had gone downstairs, to throw up from fear and to look up the numbers of good reliable free clinics in our area. I called ashley, because I needed a voice, someone that I could talk to and who would care and listen to me. And then I drove to Danny's house, who drove us to the free clinic. I sat in the back, alone, while evan and danny sat in the front, discussing things I couldn't hear because the music was up to loud. In one of the breaks between the music, I heard evan say "I can either pay for this pill, or I can pay for this ticket- it doesn't matter, which ever one I don't pay I'm going to jail for." and I felt the tear slip down my face before I could contain it. I walked into the free clinic, got all the forms, bought what I needed to buy, and went downstairs to where danny and josh had brought evan's car and were going to drive back in danny's. I got into the car with Evan, and we started to drive back to my house. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he wanted to go home. Alone. So he took me to my mom's house, where the last thing he said to me was 'Don't take the pills in front of your mom.' and where she of course, pumped the information out of me about why I wasn't spending Evan's last night in town with him and such, and I just deflected ever question. I went upstairs to eat some speghetti, because you have to eat before you take the pill. And I ate, and I took them, and I went upstairs to sleep. I woke up around 5:30 in crazy amounts of pain. The tears just slipped down my face and I couldn't control my screaming and what I punched and what I broke. I called nate, and sat in a closet while he essientially told me what a screw up I was. I hung up on him and told him I didn't want to hear any of it. When he called back, I debated not answering. I did though, and he was oddly seriously and supporting. He wasn't the way he usually was, and talked to me. It was very helpful. I went back to sleep after taking about five advil, and slept until about eight. At this point, I was in so much pain that I just wanted to die. So I called evan's house, just wanting to talk to him, only to learn that he had gone out. So I called Josh's cell phone in search of Lorilei, who I thought might be able to talk to me, and low and behold, it was Evan who answered the phone. I couldn't hear his drunk voice couldn't believe that he could do this to me. He'd chosen to go over to josh's house and drink rather than to be with me when I was in more pain than he could imagine. It was all just so confusing I was in so much pain, and I called all of the people I knew who cared about me. Andy wasn't home. So I cried. Lee Anne talked to me for a little bit, and made me see some hard truths I didn't want to see. After this, even in all the pain I was in, I went running. I stayed out there for about three hours, coming home around eleven. All I really wanted to do was take a bath, but the second I started pouring it, out came the step father from hell yelling at me about how it was too loud and how the bath wasn't ready yet, so I should just go to fucking bed. I felt a burning in my eyes, and so I went into the shower, burned my skin off, and went upstairs to bed. I cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I woke up to Evan calling to say goodbye for North Carolina. I didn't want to talk to him, hear his voice, hear anything he wanted to say. I was mean. I was short and cruel and I was happy about it. I spent the day shopping for kentucky and PMT with my mother, buying jeans and make up and a lot of things I just didn't need. I went home, and I went to sleep, getting ready for what I knew the next day would hold. I was going to PMT. I was going to become a peer minister. That morning, Madeline called me. It was incredibly unexpected, and she asked for a ride to PMT, and she wanted to come over and have lunch before hand. It was so new, and yet so old, hanging out with her like that. She took a shower, since the one at her house was broken, and I blow dried her hair, and we made chicken noodle soup. We called nate, who wanted to drive us down there. I went to PMT with a heavy heart, praying that everything would be ok. I was so glad to see the people I wanted to see so bad, Cob, and Jon, and Ali and some new faces I had never seen before. I went into my cabin, where I found out I'd be rooming with Ali, who I already loved and adored, and a girl named Emily, who I was looking forward to getting to meeting. PMT was amazing. I can't even describe it to you. Madeline and I finally talked. We talked about everything, everything. And in the end, we hugged and we cried, and we fixed it. It's not all better, but it sure is better than before. We're talking. We hug. We say I love you. I really missed my best friend. THE REST! (July 5) Andy came to the commisionning service at the end of PMT. I really, really, missed him, even though I had seen him about a month before. I really wanted to stay, but of course, I was going home with Nate O'hallaron's mother, and she is a bitch on wheels, so we had to leave right away. But before we did, Andy and I talked. Alot. After the service, I went to go get my camera, because I wanted to remember those moments, those times, those things that had happened. He ran to the cabins with me, and as we were walking he said to me, "Did you call my house crying sometime last week? My mom said she thought it was you, but she didn't know." I looked at the ground, because I didn't want to get into the whole Evan story, no, not in front of Andy, I didn't want to get into the whole Evan story. I replied with a yes, and his look changed from curosity to fear. He looked at me with such a tenderness, the way you treat the first new born baby you're holding. And he asked what happened. I looked away, and I told him exactly what happened. I didn't want him to know what a slut I was. I didn't want him to think that this was really what I was like. That this was really who I was. But it is. At the end of my story, he took my hand, and he said to me "Amelia, you know what you should do. You don't even love yourself, how are you going to be in a relationship? You're so pretty. You're so amazing. I wish you could see that. But now, you know what you have to do." I argued with him for a long time, coming up with every excuse I could to try and convince him that Evan was really a great guy. He wouldn't hear it. At the end of it, he gave me three reasons so I could do what I needed to do. I don't remember what they are, and I don't care, because I still haven't done it. Evan told me he doesn't know what would happen to him if anything ever happened to us. He's already lost so much in his life, friends, father, just so much. I gained his trust, his love. How could I just break that now? After, two months? I'll let him touch me, and I let him be near me, because of what I know is best for him. Sometimes, you need to stretch yourself for other people. I can't stretch myself in the way Andy wants me too. After we had had this long talk, we lay on my PMT cabin bed (which had been andy's bed when he went) and just sat there for a little while. When people started calling my name, I buried my face into his shirt- he smelled so good. I kissed his cheeks, and he put his arms around me, and for three minutes, we pretended not to hear the screaming calls for me. I didn't care that Mrs. O'Halloran was going to miss her hair appointment. Fuck Mrs.O'Halloran. Couldn't anyone see what was going on was so much more important? I couldn't bear for it to end. I walked outside slowly, holding Andy's hand and I got one last hug. He looked at me and said "I love you. You should love you. You're amazing. You're so pretty. And I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do, baby." And I got in the car, and spent the whole ride just staring out the window. I thought about it and thought about it, but I knew I'd never be able to do it. PMT was amazing. Emily, Madeline, Charlie, Nate, Jon, Jill, Cob, Topher, Graham, Ali, are all so amazing. They have become my best friends in the entire world. I care about them more than anything in the world, and I pray that those friendships never fade. I got home and Evan was still out of town, so I just slept my life away, since I hadn't slept at all at PMT. My mom had a party on saturday, and so I spent some time with the family, something I haven't done in a really really long time. On sunday, I left early for Kentucky. I drove down there in a 14 passanger van with Madeline, Jonah, Chuck, Sam Phillips, Anne Marie, Kate, Steven, Sara, Clara, Robbie, Jonny, Casey, and our youth minister, Sam. I spent most of the ride down with my headphones on, talking alittle bit with Sam Phillips, who I didn't know very well. When we got to Kentucky, everything was different than before. There were no couches in the cabin, and the kitchen looked sad and empty. We went to work for an exhausting week, through which Steven decided he was in love with madeline, which was very frusterating. When he liked me, he didn't want to date me, but when he liked madeline, he was just begging her to date him. I'm over it, but for a long while it really bothered me. I worked hard in Kentucky, enjoyed every minute of it. I talked with Madeline, about everything, but most of those are her stories, not mine, and I'm sick of telling other people's stories for them. Her and Sam got pretty close, and honestly, I'm very happy about that. I like him so much more than I liked matt, and not even in any kind of jealous way. I came home from kentucky for twenty four hours, and then went back for another week of stressful work. I sprained my ankle, and got two really upsetting messages from Andy. He moved to colombus when I was gone, and I couldn't answer my phone in Kentucky, so I missed his calls. All i wanted to do is talk to him, speak with him, listen to the sound of voice. But now I don't have a number for him, so I just have to wait for him to call my broken phone, hear the message to call my house, and call there. When I got home, saturday, I did my laundry and I took a shower. I was finally clean. I went out with Evan for dinner, and then we went to sit by the lake. I tried to talk to him about hard issues, but he wasn't having any of it. He always deflects my really hard questions with things like "I care about you so much." or "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to us" It's a scary thought. I saw the fireworks last night, and he said it would have been so much better if we were alone as opposed to with my family. The first thing that popped into my mind was, yea, maybe if I'd been alone with my family it would have been better. Even I know how bitchy that sounds. Something is truly wrong with me. We went out with his friends later, just hung out at Teddy's house, didn't really do anything. Sat there being bored, really. They smoked weed called Evan a pussy because he wouldn't smoke anymore because of me, just basically sat there being asses. Evan chose to comment on the amount of time it's been since we made out or did anything besides that. I acknowledged that by going to sleep. He drove me home, and I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do. I'm way to tired right now to care. Andy, if you read this, please call me. Anyone, if you know who Andy is and you read this, please tell him to call me. This has been a long ass entry, and you should get a cookie for reading the whole thing. I'll finish later you guys. I don't have the energy right now.

So. So. This week has been PMT. It's been so crazy, I don't know. Anyone remember me talking about madeline? or nate? Well, after a lot of tears I think things are finally looking up. yea. I think they're finally looking up.

So sorry everyone that it's been a long time since my last entry. A lot of shit has been seriously going down too. School ended on thursday, and honestly, that makes me so freggin happy I could freggin piss my pants. I'm so sick of that place, it honestly makes me want to throw up half the time and cry my eyes out the rest of the time. I pulled a B in bio, which is important to me, pretty sure I had a B in french, pretty sure I had a C in math, B in world history, A in journalism (god, for once) and a B in english. All in all, not such a horrible report card. Not an amazing one, but not a horrible one.

Yea, um, fuck I totally just bombed my math final. but it's ok, because me and evan are good and dating and cute and I love us. He is really really sweet. I know, I know, I'm so fucked up. But I've thought he was really cute all year, and and he kissed me and he thinks I'm so beautiful. And PLUSE he has a car that he loves to have a beautiful girl in the front of. Beautiful girl is me. ha.

I know everyone saw the last entry and was like whatever, you don't need him in your life, but the thing is I DO! I attached myself in a matter of a half an hour, and I didn't want to let go. I still don't want to let go. I still want him to give me massages and come pick me up at school and take me to the woods with him. GOD. WHY IS LIFE SO STUPID AND POINTLESS, MEDOCERE AND RIDCULOUS. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING. It's just not right for god to keep playing with me like this. I trust him, and I know he's only doing what's right, but wow, I wanted brooks in my life. I wanted him in my life like juliet needed romeo in her life after the first hour they met. It's not fair. I know if I kill myself he won't follow, but I'm always under the impression that it can't hurt to try. Once again, I've just imprisoned myself in a world full of guilt and sadness and sorrow. Once again, I sit here feeling sorry for myself when what I should be doing is calling him. BROOKS JONES BROOKS JONES BROOKS FUCKING JONES. Oh how I loathe the name.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Just sleep and cry and cry and sleep and not do a fucking thing. I fucking hate absolutley everything. EVERYTHING. brooks jones was only drunk.

I went to a party at Dave Dawson's house last night everyone. It's sad, because it's like his last party FOREVER. I didn't drink enough to get drunk, but I was suppossed to be home by 1 (until 11:55, in which case I got permission for 2, and then at 1:55 when me and lorilei and josh got "lost" on the highway. Jealous? You should be.) It was fun, I kind of had a bunch of guys who were like 22 and 23 and 24 like hitting on me, and it didn't really matter if they were hot or not (they're just hippies. Cool hippies, but hippies.) because come on man. HAVE SOME PRIDE. But then the mother of all beautiful things happened to me. The fat one. The ugly one. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Brooks Jones, greatest guy IN the ENTIRE WORLD! He's Zoe's brother, and I had never actually met him before tonight. We flirted. Alot. Oh god, I'm so immature. BUT HE WAS SO GORGEOUS AND FOR ONCE SOMEONE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME AND NOT LORILEI OR ELLIE. OR TRYING TO GET W/ LORILEI OR ELLIE THROUGH ME. IT WAS NICE. it took all my strength not to conceal my giddyness that I was finally getting to talk to someone fabulous, as oppossed to lorilei. Maybe I'm just a giddy highschool student after all. We talked about hesterler street fair, the weather (which was actually intresting) zoe, ellie, the fact that he's been in an all boys prep school since kindergarten, hail, life in general. we started talking about hestler, and I said I was going. Just mentioned it, and he said "You're going to that?!" and I said "yea" and he was like,, ahhhhh, I have to see you there." it was two perfect. He tried to scratch my phone number into his arm, but ended up just programming it into his mom's cell instead. I really hope it wasn't all a mean joke. he Kissed my cheek before he left. He gave me a big hug, and he kissed my cheek. It kept going for miles and miles and miles. God. What have I gotten myself into? Brooks Jones YUMMY!

    BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me! So I guess I'm blue. Oh so very blue. I miss andy so much. I miss lee anne so much! I MISS EVERYONE TOO MUCH FOR WORDS! I called andy last night while I was at ellie's, told him all about my mom calling the cops on me and such, and he didn't have much of a reaction, which made me sort of happy, and sort of sad all at the same time. Sometimes, just talking to me makes me feel so much better about life in general. It's a beautiful light at the end of tunnel. Just a very simple peice of lace at the bottom of a dress. He told me he cut his hair, and I don't know. I've never actually known short hair andy. I hope it doesn't throw me too much. I haven't talked to Steven. Two more days and I might see him on sunday. I'm not sure. I don't know if I want him to come, or if I don't want him to come. I don't love him. But Oh wow, do I. I've been debating what to do about this whole situation. I think I might just give up. Steven doesn't love me, Josh is going to college, Andy's leaving in general. It hurts.

The Generic Teenager Stereotype Do you drink [alcohol]?: Only when it's mixed right. Do you party a lot? How often?: Um, classify party right. I think it's a party when brad ellie mike brandon kyle woody and I sit and play spin the bottle in my house. 'Lot then. Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: recreational purposes? Who the fuck says that? How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: Like, omg, like so never. Do you skip classes? How often?: School is annoying. I'd rather not be in it. (BUT I'M ALWAYS IN CLASS!) Do you have casual sex? Protected?: I attempt not to. Date rape drugs make that harder. Do you steal?: only when it's REALLY overpriced. Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: I'm not naked all the time. Do you drool over celebrities?: why? I won't ever meet them anyway. Do you watch a lot of TV?: enough to keep my brain fried and figure out if I want new cds or not. Do you ever watch the News?: constantly. I'm an addict to CNN. Do you even care about world issues?: Not if it's about american people torturing other people. The pigs are starting walk, man. ------I'll finish later Do you read books often?: way to much Are you failing a lot of your classes?: sorry, no. I got a C, that's failure in my parents eyes. Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: i try to Do you smoke cigarettes?: when I'm real stressed Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: who hangs out at seven eleven? Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: way to often Do you cuss a lot?: fuck no. What the fuck? Are you desperate to fit in?: standards to fit in just take way to much energy. Are you intelligent?: I suppose. What's your definition of intelligent. The Goth Stereotype Black lipstick?: no Black eyeliner?: everyday- but not in a gothic way, in a pretty way Black eyeshadow?: when I'm doing smokey eyes Black trenchcoat?: yea, um, no. Black boots?: big ones that clomp. Black fishnets?: just one pair Black nail polish?:occasionaly Cigarettes?: repeat question Heavy metal music?: ...sometimes.... Marilyn Manson?: He's got a great mind Kittie?: dunno who that is Cradle of Filth?: scary as fuck Constant frown and perpetual angst?: only if you want it Do you like to be seen as: that's not really a question. theres no question! Are you an intellectual?: I don't believe so. ------I'll finish later An atheist?: no fucking way, I fucking live at church Horrible home life?: depends on what you define as horrible. Hopelessly depressed?: probably Suffering with suicidal idealations?: constantly Self-mutilation?: more than I care to let on. The Punk Stereotype Plaid?: I used to have plaid pants Big black boots?: yes. BIG ONES Mohawk?: ever since brads...mine just don't feel cool enough. Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: ears? Loud, confident and opinionated?: way to much-some people are afraid to be seen in public with me. Wild hair colors?: it was henna purple once, and then it was jet black. NOFX?: heard better Rancid?: only heard em' once. Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: I know more than I should A: is that a question? The Jock Sterotype What's your IQ?: no clue Do you watch a lot of sports?: why? people kick each other and ultamitley just end up getting hurt. ( I always watch the Michigan Ohio State game though.) Play a lot of sports?: if painting my nails and wrestling bradley is a sport Talk a lot about sports?: no Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: way more stuff than I care to admit. Are you arrogant?: I'm sorry, did you ask me a question? I was too good to be listening. Are you a male or female whore?: check the cuts on my wrist- I keep a tally. Are you homophobic?: homophobic people piss me off. Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: just brad But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: yea. If it fucking makes my day when someone tells me I'm hot. That makes me REAL insecure (beacuse then I wonder if they're lying or not.) Boobs = girls? Parties = beer? Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: yea, ok. Sounds like a party The Girl Stereotype Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: yea. it's pretty pathetic Have you ever been on a diet?: tried- kept up on the only soup diet for like a month How much did you lose?:pretty much stayed the same. Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: no, my eating disorder was an eating disorder. Make yourself throw up?: used to Make-up?: way to much and again it's pathetic. Low-cut tops?: i've got great boobs, I should show them. How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: too big to wear low cut shirts. Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: sometimes Giggle a lot?: no What's the deal with boys?: ummm, what's the deal with this quiz? Thongs?: only when I wear a white skirt Pretty bras?: love them YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?:all the same Who's the weaker sex?: what the fuck is with these horrible questions that make me want to kill you?? Are you a feminist?: do you mean "do i burn my bra and beat up boys?", then sure. hahah Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: only when I have EYES How often do you shave your legs?: why would you not shave your legs? How about your armpits?: 4 times a week? Are you emotional?: only when IM HUMAN Especially when on your period?: Who writes this crap? This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.] Originality or Acceptance?: why's it matter? Independence or Companionship?: there are so many paralells of human emotion, you can't just pick something! Stability or Freedom?: STUPID FUCK Personal or Interpersonal?: it's all got to do with the ENTIRE SPECTRUM OF HUMAN EMOTION. Introvert or Extrovert?: AHHHHHHHHHH Popularity or Isolation?: again, i hate you. Unique or Loved?: fuck these stupid " i wanna be popular!!" questions Understood or Individual?: stupid question You or Them?: who are the people im choosing from?

Moody me. That's all I am. Really cute shoes, and moods. (and I mean REALLY cute shoes.) I moped all day yesterday about steven. ALL DAY. And then I went home and cleaned my room. Today I might go home and just go to bed. I might not even stay at school. Maybe I'll just cut 4-7 periods and go home. It's only four more classes. (4. 5. 6. 7.) math, journalism, world history, and english. STEVEN BENDER IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. WHAT A STUPID NAME. I hate that name. And I hate the way his blue eyes light up when he smiles and the way he leans back into me when we're playing line games at youth group and I hate his stupid pouty lips, and I hate the way his hair is always shiny and I hate it when he patronizes me and I hate the fact that he's so stupid and I hate it that I love him so much.

So. so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so. Why does the world continue to torment me? I suppose it's really my own fault. I should have known it wouldn't work for me, it's the way things always go for me. I misunderstood, everyone. I'm the most broken person I've ever been right now, because I misunderstood. How could I have been so wrong? HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO WRONG? Steven didn't ask me out, everyone. He just, proclaiming his 'like'. He kissed me, because he LIKES me. Oh no, he doesn't want to date me, because he won't be able to see me all the time. I don't care if he can't see me all the time. I still want him to be mine. I know I wasn't outrightly rejected and he still does like me, but I still want him to be all mine. MINE, dammit. I hate stupid reasoning. -Miza

Hey people. torti14**: hey hun i'm ur witness that ur hot torti14**: and u voice is just unbelieveable sexy torti14**: and you can tell everyone I said that too. I think I will. I think I'll show everyone how hott he is too. HOLD ON BITCHES

ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. This guy josh just asked me out. GROSSNESS. he's icky, and he's a friend of kyle's. I hate kyle. I wish steven would call me.

My dad somehow figured out that I had the boys over on saturday. No more open houses for amelia for awile. DAMN

Steven finally managed not to make me angry. what did he do? He asked me out. He may not be guitar boy in my meadow with my white skirt, but he is a sweetheart. And yea, I have liked him since november. So, yea, I'm pretty happy. Actually, I think pretty happy would be an understatement of monstous proportions. On saturday, I thought it was going to be an everyday average shit thing, with lorilei living at my house without permission, and ellie staying over like I wanted her too, but around 10:15, the boys came over. Mike, Brad, Brandon, Woody, and Kyle all came to my dad's house, with their loud demanor and very drunknesses. Mike, Woody, and Kyle were all very sober, but the rest of them....... There was porn on the TV and mardi gras beads being thown around everywhere. Ellie might have lifted her shirt up a few times....after some captain morgans of course. Then someone suggested spin the bottle. (BRANDON SAYLOR) and we played. I kissed everyone in the room, EXCEPT LORILEI (thank god). The best part was kissing people that I never thought I would even get to talk to. It just goes to show you, that being outgoing and talking to random people can pay off. I have much better friends now because of it. --------------------------------------------- lorilei called to blame me for leaving her straightner on. She said I was a lying bitch, and I better intend on buying her a new one. I'm not buying her anything. The only time I was at her house was on friday, and I turned her straightner off. She was there ALL friday night and ALL saturday morning. FUCKING BITCH.