I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new And the reason is you. I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. Brad says he's really worried about this situatation I got going on with my mom. I don't want him to worry about me, I'm afraid he might tell someone. The problem is, everyone will deny it. All the adults don't know what happens behind closed doors. I think it's sweet that he cares, but I don't want him to tell anyone. She's seeing a therapist now, I think it's all going to be raitified soon enough. I just have to stick it out until that happens, right? Right. AJ is worried about me too, but he's worried because he knows I cut myself. Brad doesn't, I don't really want him to know. This is exactly how I distanced myself from everyone in my middle school. I don't want my new friends to become as distant as those bitches from my old school. It would take just to much out of me, and I don't know if I could deal with it again. It hurts me a whole lot to have to go through all this stuff, all the stuff with Kyle. I've never really told anyone the story about Kyle, but I think it's time that I need to stop being so afraid of what people will think of me, because It's going to kill me keeping it all bottled up inside like this. I went to Kyle's one night, because his grandma was out of town, he was gonna have some people over, it was just going to be an ok night. Nothing bad was going to happen to me, because Dre and Aria were going to be there anyway. I'd heard that Kyle was a prevert, but I still liked him anyway. I was really stupid. I thought, he made me feel good about myself. He made me feel beautiful. It was all a lie. Not like what I have now with everyone. He gave me a beer, and I sucked it down. I should have stopped right then, but I had another one. By this point in the night, I was already feeling pretty miserable, beer does that to me. I become really susidal. I had told my mom I was going to sleep over at tiffany's that night, and had one of Kyle's friends pretend to be tiffany. My mom lapped it right up, so I sucked down two or three more beers (they were so foul) trying to make myself feel better. I became really really tipsy- almost far gone, when Kyle took my hand. He wanted me to go upstairs with him. In my drunken state, I didn't know what else I could do- Dre had left, Aria was no where in sight, and I was lost. It's ironic that I was so drunk and the one time I want to forget it all, I remember every detail. I walked up the stairs and he took me into a room where there were dolls everywhere. Dolls, were just, staring at me from all sides. Kyle started to kiss me, and it was so gross, I didn't want to be there with him, I wanted to be at home in my bed painting my toenails with madeline. He took off my shirt, and he took off his own, and I was lying there shivering, but I didn't know what to do, I could barely walk. I think I whispered stop, but I don't remember. I know that I was screaming it in my head, but it didn't seem to work. Nothing seemed to work anymore. He pulled down my skirt, and I was lying there with nothing but a bra on, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be there with him, but, at the same time I did. FINALLY. Someone who wanted me. He pulled off his pants and was lying there with me, and I wanted to be gone, but I wanted it to happen. I wanted someone to finally want to be my boyfriend, someone who thought I was hot. He kept kissing me, and he either thought I was a really good kisser, or I was really drunk. My tongue was thick with beer, and I couldn't do anything. He started on his way, and it hurt so bad I wanted to cry through the entire thing. He hurt me and he hurt me and he hurt me and I wanted it to be over. A tear escaped it's prison, and I let out a small yelp of pain. He laughed and pushed harder. It hurt so bad, he was grabbed my breasts like they were fucking stress balls, and I remember having bruises the next day. It ended, and it was the best kind of bliss and the worst kind of pain. I had done my part, I was ready for his part now- the part where he would hold me all night and wake up and not care about my morning breathe and all that stuff- the after stuff. I wanted it all! But he got out of the bed, pulled on his shirt, and pants and told me where'd he'd thrown my clothes. He lit a ciggarette, and asked if I could get myself home from there. I didn't know what to do, so I nodded, and let him go back down to his guests. I stood up, pulled on my skirt my bra, and my shirt. I grabbed a blanket and my stupid pleather coat, and snuck out the back way. It was january, and it had just snowed. I walked from conventry back to my middle school. I went to my middle school, found a small, dry, crevice and wrapped myself up in the blanket I stole, and cried myself to sleep. Even in my mildly intoxicated state, I could still feel the sting of my lost perfection, and the stupidity of my own actions. I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up and it was morning. I walked back to my home- snuck in the back door, left a note saying I was home and went to my room. I picked up my calling card and called seth and begged him to come up for a weekend. He took me to a nice clinic, made sure I had no stds or anything nasty, made sure I wasn't pregnant and made sure of all that stuff was taken care of. But eventually, he had to go home. He can't help me forever, even though I would like him too. I spent three straight days out of school and crying. I couldn't tell my mom, she'd just blame it all on me. She'd tell me I was stupid and she'd tell me I was wrong. She'd blame every little thing on me. It all still haunts me to this day. I see the spot at my middle school where I slept, or I pass by Kyle's on my way to mike's or lorilei's and it all just hurts me and haunts me and it makes me want to cry. I had no idea this all affected me like this until I started talking about it with Lorilei, and the fact of the matter is, I can't talk about it with anyone. Because NO ONE will be able to understand. People can think they understand, but no one will be able to know why I had to go home and cut myself, and normal people won't understand why I couldn't tell my mom. They just won't understand. It'll kill me to try and tell anyone. I want to die.