I've hermitted myself lately. Gone to school, haven't said much more than Hi and Bye to most people. Been going to bed at 8 o'clock at night. I've probably offended a few people- in fact, I'm fairly sure I have, judging by the weird phone conversation with BL last night: BL: Are you ok? Mi: Yes. BL: Friday, your house? Party, right? Mi: If you feel like it. BL: What the hell is up with you lately? Mi: Huh? BL: Me and K and M and AJ, we're worried about you. You come, and you sit, you never have ANY energy anymore. Come on Crackhead, tell us what's up. Mi: I'm really fine. BL: This is the most, you've like, TALKED all week. M said he called you and you told your mom to tell him you weren't there. Mi: mhhhm BL: If you were fine, you'd be talking to us. US, the most laid back people in the entire world, are actually sorta worrying about you. Kbray said you were actually sleeping last week. Since when do you do that? MI: hmmmhhmm. BL: Fuck this, tell me what's wrong or I'm hanging up on you. Mi: Nothing. BL has never hung up on me. Ever. I'm really sick of seeing couples in the hallway. Kissing, and I'm sick of everyone dumping everyone else to go out with some other disgusting sick puppy. I want my meadow with my beautiful flowers and my white dress and my fabulous boy playing me a song on his guitar. At this point, I'd settle for a beat up old car and new Jeans from TJ Maxx and any old boy singing along with the radio. Almost anything not to feel so alone. What is alone anyway? Is alone after you've found your soulmate and they left or died or didn't want you anymore? I'm surrounded by people who love me everyday. Everyone says hi to me in the hall way. The seniors everyone thinks are hot, the juniors everyone wants to hangout with, the sophmores who don't like freshman, the stoners, the sistas, the headbangers, the punks, the a-list, the Abercrombies. I don't really know people who have an enormous I hate you problem with me. And yet. I don't really know what to say to these people when I feel alone. I don't know what to say to anyone when I go on these stupid rampages of miserableness. How do you tell your best friend "Oh yea, I love you, but I'm so miserable right now I can't stand the sight of you? And never fear, it's not you, it's defiently me." Do you honestly think they'd believe me? How do you tell those guys who come up and grab your ass in the hallways and whisper in your ear that they want you to go out with them tonight not to do that anymore because you're depressed? How do you get the one person you love more than anyone else in the entire world to realize it, and love you back? Josh either hasn't been home for the last thee days, or he hasn't been answering my calls. I don't want him not to love me anymore. I want him to be all mine, just mine, because everything else is just a waste of time. These are the things I think about when I lie in my stupid little bed and stare at my ceiling with writing on it and read over and over and over again these words: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice." Am I choosing to make myself suffer? Is all of this really just in my head? I'm doing this all to myself. The best part of life is the part I must have missed. Die young. Save yourself. -Miza