Last night, I remember going to Chuck's. I remember sitting on his couch with coat on, praying that Andy would get there soon. I remember sitting on the couch and trying to look beautiful when people walked in, staring aimlessly out the window, as though I was just bored with everyone's existance. I remember seeing Andy's reflection in the window and Bato jumping up and hugging Andy (that's just what you do in my group)I remember him walking over to me and smelling so good. I remember seeing Lee Anne and literally jumping off of the couch to run and hug her. I remember her telling me to get my own beer, so I did. And then I remember being upset about something and having another beer. I remember Dan Nye not drinking, cos he's a hellvalot smarter than the rest of us. Bato slept and came back as a sober bastard, while I had like two shots and five beers. I think I told andy I really loved him, and i think I called Paris and told him that. I don't remember dismembling my razor (makes the blades sharper, and able to cut things like butter) and cutting the fuck out of my wrists. I remember being on the phone with Andy while I threw up. I don't remember why I did something I haven't done in like two years. i feel like such a dumbass. I completely embrasses my stupid fat self in front of all the people I love so much in the world. Some of the only people I love in the world. Madeline left early, she's so smart. Madeline is like perfect. She's never going to mess up in her whole entire life. She told me not to drink to much (I did) She said don't get angry with Nate so much, he'll start to not even like you as a friend (he doesn't) She said don't have sex with people that you don't love (I didn't listen) and now she's at home with her boyfriend, has nate on the phone because he still loves her, and has great sex with the guy she loves. I hate myself. I am a dumbass. I am a fuckup. I am in love with people I cannot have. I cannot play guitar. I hate myself. More than anyone could ever know. Note. I had bato set as a tipsy guy before, and that's wrong. He was also smart (as opposed to fat dumb me) and did not drink at all.