It's been a long time, you guys. How many people stopped checking my diary? Come on, be honest. A lot has happened. So much, that I don't even know if I'll have enough space to write about it here. I suppose I could start at the beginning, with PMT. Actually, I should start at the beginning with the week leading up to PMT. Evan and I spent almost all week together, starting with saturday, ending with thursday night. I knew it was going to be a long time before I could conciously see him again, and I wanted to get in as much time as I could with him. On sunday, I started going crazy. I scared myself at the thought of the same thing happening with Evan as what happened with Kyle (see suck my energy away) and I don't know if I could handel that. I was getting pressure from all sides to have sex with Evan. From my friends, (I wasn't really in a speaking position with most of my real friends that week) and from his friends. Everywhere it came, you have no reason to not do this, how can you be so mean to your boyfriend, why are you being such a prude bitch, on and on and on. So, by wendsday night, I'd had enough. I went to ellie's graduation, and told them, I'm going to do it tomorrow morning. Lorilei jumped with excitement, but Ellie just sort of stared at me. She went along with it for the most part, but she remembered the conversation we'd had earlier in the week about how all this pressure was getting to me. She knew what was up. I think she was worried, and sometimes it's not fun to have a best friend who can get inside your head like that. Ellie's graduation cermony was beautiful, she was beautiful. I went back to Evan's house after that, and nothing really happened that night- I just made a promise. As I kissed him on my back porch, he just kept saying "We have to do it." I was scared. I was that little girl again, with the big scary boy on my back, telling me to do this and do that. Come thursday, it happened. Something else also happened. Condoms aren't supposed to break. When you're having sex with your boyfriend, you aren't supposed to worry about those things happening. There should be no other place in your mind, no doubt about what's happening. So when it was over, and we learned what had happened, the tears just started streaming down my face. I curled up into a little ball, and cried my eyes out. I went into the bathroom, and got into a steaming hot bath. So hot that it scladed my legs and stomach. I stayed in there for twenty minutes, and Evan didn't stay with me. He had gone downstairs, to throw up from fear and to look up the numbers of good reliable free clinics in our area. I called ashley, because I needed a voice, someone that I could talk to and who would care and listen to me. And then I drove to Danny's house, who drove us to the free clinic. I sat in the back, alone, while evan and danny sat in the front, discussing things I couldn't hear because the music was up to loud. In one of the breaks between the music, I heard evan say "I can either pay for this pill, or I can pay for this ticket- it doesn't matter, which ever one I don't pay I'm going to jail for." and I felt the tear slip down my face before I could contain it. I walked into the free clinic, got all the forms, bought what I needed to buy, and went downstairs to where danny and josh had brought evan's car and were going to drive back in danny's. I got into the car with Evan, and we started to drive back to my house. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he wanted to go home. Alone. So he took me to my mom's house, where the last thing he said to me was 'Don't take the pills in front of your mom.' and where she of course, pumped the information out of me about why I wasn't spending Evan's last night in town with him and such, and I just deflected ever question. I went upstairs to eat some speghetti, because you have to eat before you take the pill. And I ate, and I took them, and I went upstairs to sleep. I woke up around 5:30 in crazy amounts of pain. The tears just slipped down my face and I couldn't control my screaming and what I punched and what I broke. I called nate, and sat in a closet while he essientially told me what a screw up I was. I hung up on him and told him I didn't want to hear any of it. When he called back, I debated not answering. I did though, and he was oddly seriously and supporting. He wasn't the way he usually was, and talked to me. It was very helpful. I went back to sleep after taking about five advil, and slept until about eight. At this point, I was in so much pain that I just wanted to die. So I called evan's house, just wanting to talk to him, only to learn that he had gone out. So I called Josh's cell phone in search of Lorilei, who I thought might be able to talk to me, and low and behold, it was Evan who answered the phone. I couldn't hear his drunk voice couldn't believe that he could do this to me. He'd chosen to go over to josh's house and drink rather than to be with me when I was in more pain than he could imagine. It was all just so confusing I was in so much pain, and I called all of the people I knew who cared about me. Andy wasn't home. So I cried. Lee Anne talked to me for a little bit, and made me see some hard truths I didn't want to see. After this, even in all the pain I was in, I went running. I stayed out there for about three hours, coming home around eleven. All I really wanted to do was take a bath, but the second I started pouring it, out came the step father from hell yelling at me about how it was too loud and how the bath wasn't ready yet, so I should just go to fucking bed. I felt a burning in my eyes, and so I went into the shower, burned my skin off, and went upstairs to bed. I cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I woke up to Evan calling to say goodbye for North Carolina. I didn't want to talk to him, hear his voice, hear anything he wanted to say. I was mean. I was short and cruel and I was happy about it. I spent the day shopping for kentucky and PMT with my mother, buying jeans and make up and a lot of things I just didn't need. I went home, and I went to sleep, getting ready for what I knew the next day would hold. I was going to PMT. I was going to become a peer minister. That morning, Madeline called me. It was incredibly unexpected, and she asked for a ride to PMT, and she wanted to come over and have lunch before hand. It was so new, and yet so old, hanging out with her like that. She took a shower, since the one at her house was broken, and I blow dried her hair, and we made chicken noodle soup. We called nate, who wanted to drive us down there. I went to PMT with a heavy heart, praying that everything would be ok. I was so glad to see the people I wanted to see so bad, Cob, and Jon, and Ali and some new faces I had never seen before. I went into my cabin, where I found out I'd be rooming with Ali, who I already loved and adored, and a girl named Emily, who I was looking forward to getting to meeting. PMT was amazing. I can't even describe it to you. Madeline and I finally talked. We talked about everything, everything. And in the end, we hugged and we cried, and we fixed it. It's not all better, but it sure is better than before. We're talking. We hug. We say I love you. I really missed my best friend. THE REST! (July 5) Andy came to the commisionning service at the end of PMT. I really, really, missed him, even though I had seen him about a month before. I really wanted to stay, but of course, I was going home with Nate O'hallaron's mother, and she is a bitch on wheels, so we had to leave right away. But before we did, Andy and I talked. Alot. After the service, I went to go get my camera, because I wanted to remember those moments, those times, those things that had happened. He ran to the cabins with me, and as we were walking he said to me, "Did you call my house crying sometime last week? My mom said she thought it was you, but she didn't know." I looked at the ground, because I didn't want to get into the whole Evan story, no, not in front of Andy, I didn't want to get into the whole Evan story. I replied with a yes, and his look changed from curosity to fear. He looked at me with such a tenderness, the way you treat the first new born baby you're holding. And he asked what happened. I looked away, and I told him exactly what happened. I didn't want him to know what a slut I was. I didn't want him to think that this was really what I was like. That this was really who I was. But it is. At the end of my story, he took my hand, and he said to me "Amelia, you know what you should do. You don't even love yourself, how are you going to be in a relationship? You're so pretty. You're so amazing. I wish you could see that. But now, you know what you have to do." I argued with him for a long time, coming up with every excuse I could to try and convince him that Evan was really a great guy. He wouldn't hear it. At the end of it, he gave me three reasons so I could do what I needed to do. I don't remember what they are, and I don't care, because I still haven't done it. Evan told me he doesn't know what would happen to him if anything ever happened to us. He's already lost so much in his life, friends, father, just so much. I gained his trust, his love. How could I just break that now? After, two months? I'll let him touch me, and I let him be near me, because of what I know is best for him. Sometimes, you need to stretch yourself for other people. I can't stretch myself in the way Andy wants me too. After we had had this long talk, we lay on my PMT cabin bed (which had been andy's bed when he went) and just sat there for a little while. When people started calling my name, I buried my face into his shirt- he smelled so good. I kissed his cheeks, and he put his arms around me, and for three minutes, we pretended not to hear the screaming calls for me. I didn't care that Mrs. O'Halloran was going to miss her hair appointment. Fuck Mrs.O'Halloran. Couldn't anyone see what was going on was so much more important? I couldn't bear for it to end. I walked outside slowly, holding Andy's hand and I got one last hug. He looked at me and said "I love you. You should love you. You're amazing. You're so pretty. And I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do, baby." And I got in the car, and spent the whole ride just staring out the window. I thought about it and thought about it, but I knew I'd never be able to do it. PMT was amazing. Emily, Madeline, Charlie, Nate, Jon, Jill, Cob, Topher, Graham, Ali, are all so amazing. They have become my best friends in the entire world. I care about them more than anything in the world, and I pray that those friendships never fade. I got home and Evan was still out of town, so I just slept my life away, since I hadn't slept at all at PMT. My mom had a party on saturday, and so I spent some time with the family, something I haven't done in a really really long time. On sunday, I left early for Kentucky. I drove down there in a 14 passanger van with Madeline, Jonah, Chuck, Sam Phillips, Anne Marie, Kate, Steven, Sara, Clara, Robbie, Jonny, Casey, and our youth minister, Sam. I spent most of the ride down with my headphones on, talking alittle bit with Sam Phillips, who I didn't know very well. When we got to Kentucky, everything was different than before. There were no couches in the cabin, and the kitchen looked sad and empty. We went to work for an exhausting week, through which Steven decided he was in love with madeline, which was very frusterating. When he liked me, he didn't want to date me, but when he liked madeline, he was just begging her to date him. I'm over it, but for a long while it really bothered me. I worked hard in Kentucky, enjoyed every minute of it. I talked with Madeline, about everything, but most of those are her stories, not mine, and I'm sick of telling other people's stories for them. Her and Sam got pretty close, and honestly, I'm very happy about that. I like him so much more than I liked matt, and not even in any kind of jealous way. I came home from kentucky for twenty four hours, and then went back for another week of stressful work. I sprained my ankle, and got two really upsetting messages from Andy. He moved to colombus when I was gone, and I couldn't answer my phone in Kentucky, so I missed his calls. All i wanted to do is talk to him, speak with him, listen to the sound of voice. But now I don't have a number for him, so I just have to wait for him to call my broken phone, hear the message to call my house, and call there. When I got home, saturday, I did my laundry and I took a shower. I was finally clean. I went out with Evan for dinner, and then we went to sit by the lake. I tried to talk to him about hard issues, but he wasn't having any of it. He always deflects my really hard questions with things like "I care about you so much." or "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to us" It's a scary thought. I saw the fireworks last night, and he said it would have been so much better if we were alone as opposed to with my family. The first thing that popped into my mind was, yea, maybe if I'd been alone with my family it would have been better. Even I know how bitchy that sounds. Something is truly wrong with me. We went out with his friends later, just hung out at Teddy's house, didn't really do anything. Sat there being bored, really. They smoked weed called Evan a pussy because he wouldn't smoke anymore because of me, just basically sat there being asses. Evan chose to comment on the amount of time it's been since we made out or did anything besides that. I acknowledged that by going to sleep. He drove me home, and I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do. I'm way to tired right now to care. Andy, if you read this, please call me. Anyone, if you know who Andy is and you read this, please tell him to call me. This has been a long ass entry, and you should get a cookie for reading the whole thing. I'll finish later you guys. I don't have the energy right now.